Antonio Coleman: Another character filled and classy Aubarn (AL) player

Oooooooops... there goes another one!

At The Polytechnic Institute, recruiting rankings and stars don't matter to us. All that matters to us is class (see Barnie of the week below), character and academics, and earning a degree without having to take one test, or even show up for class for that matter -- which is what this post is all about.

"I don't look at the stat sheets," Coleman said. "Coach (Tracy) Rocker, he doesn't look at the stat sheet. If you want to look at grades, go over to Haley Center (a campus academic building) and get your grades....It's about ballin'. You have to get out there and make plays and fly around and have fun. If you want to get all these grades and stuff, go to school to get your grades."

Heck... I'm surprised Mr. Coleman even knows where an academic center on campus is! I surely hope he's awarded two degrees just for that!

But anyway, why would anyone care about grades here at coloring book U when they're not a priority? Why would they be when work or attendance is not required to pass a class?

Mr. Coleman, who didn't have a single tackle against Arkansaw (thanks to the cheating bammers) met with Coach Cheez-it to discuss a new defensive game-plan going into the Kentucky game. They're relationship between each other is indeed way past platonic and now it appears Mr. Coleman wears the pants in the relationship!

Enough of the rambling though... the moral of this post is to prove to the world that we, unlike other schools in this state, don't care about recruiting rankings and star power. It's all about class, character, academics, and earning a degree without having to take one test, or even show up to class for that matter. Antonio Coleman is a fine representation of that fact and I'm glad he stuck around (even though the main reason he stayed ended up bolting for Tuscalooser).

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

BARNIE OF THE WEEK!!!!

This week's award goes to none other than...

THE BLOG-OWNER OF THIS BLOGSITE:
http://bammersucksballs.blogspot.com/

This highly intelligent (and overly literate) Barnie most definitely received his degree from the college land of the free (free class credits that is). His brilliant posts range from "Bout to crack open one of these babes (includes a Natural Light image)" to "If bammers don't like what I'm saying come get me cause as always I'm ready to beat some bammers down".

This barnie declined to do an exclusive one on one interview with the Aubarnie, nor did he agree to sending me a pic to place right beside his Barnie of the week award. But my sources (the same sources who tell you and I that Bammer will lose every week and they cheat and the NCAA is preparing to shut their program down for good and we all know how accurate they are) snagged a sneak peek at who the brain behind Bammer Sucks Balls is:

...but due to legal reasons, we could not show his face. :-(

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Aubarn (AL) vs. Arkansaw Conspiracy...

Coach Gene Cheez-it didn't say anything about Arkansas in the pre-season... nor did he say anything about Aubarn (AL) losing either!

BREAKING NEWS: Aubarn (AL) sources are reporting that the NCAA is investigating Alabammer on possibly another infraction committed by the Turd as of today. The infraction occurred last Saturday in Arkansaw's stadium as it's being reported Alabammer illegally paid off the ref's to single-handedly make Aubarn (AL) lose the game.

Alabammer is basically up shit creek without a paddle on this one as they are facing the death penalty YET AGAIN (and check out this informative post on Alabammer's death penalty). They were so scared of Aubarn (AL) that they done had to gone off and stoop so low. But what do you expect from bammerz?

Aubarn (AL) out-performed the second-best offensive unit in the country (second to ours of course) -- yet we still lose 'cause of those cheating bammerz paying those cheating ref's.

It's okay. Karma is a beotch and I can already tell ya it don't like Alabammer.

Despite all the controversy, Aubarn (AL) lucked up as Heisman caliber quarterback, Mike Hartline won't be playing for Kentucky next week when he faces Aubarn (AL)'s highly explosive defense. Is he playing hokie?

But if we lose Saturday, I'm sure Alabammer will play a big factor in it. But don't worry my fellow Barnies, we'll soon be basking in the glory of their demise for all the cheating they're doing!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

BARNIE OF THE WEEK!

JUST ANOTHER CLASSY, DOWN HOME, AUBARN (AL) MAN™!

This one comes equipped with a beeper, Coors Light, and killer mullet!

I(ncomprehensible) Man eat your heart out!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

Aubarn (AL) PLOWS Tennersee in route to a 26-22 victory!

Even Layla's super-human powers weren't enough to stop Aubarn (AL)!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY! Last Saturday, Aubarn (AL) held off one of the nation's most prestigious teams (second to us of course) in the fourth quarter. It was a heated battle from start to finish, but the greatest coach, team, playerz, and fans won in the end!

Aubarn (AL)'s highly touted defense held UT's high-powered offense and Heisman caliber quarterback to just 410 yards of total offense and only 22 points!

Looks like The Wonder Douche, Lame Kiffin wasn't enough for Cheez-it and company!

_______________________________________________________________
*MELTDOWN TIME*

Courtesy of RollBammerRoll's Metldown Time Post.

"This team couldn't beat Bama in Tuscaloosa with the 2001 defense."

"I am ready for a new offensive coordinator."

"I am FREAKIN' SICK AND TIRED OF LOSING TO AUBURN. It is ridiculous to lose to that program this many times. They are not, and never have been, the program that UT is, yet they lead us in the head to head series by SIX GAMES! It is infuriating as hell."

"who would wager that we don't win another game this year?"

"I've switched to Jack Daniels... just can't take it anymore!!"

"It is not going to happen guys. I agree with you 100% but Kiffin is muleheaded. Monty didn't beat his a$$ enough when he was a kid."

"KIFFIN IN WAY OVER HIS HEAD"

"I have been supportive up until now. I am a season ticket holder and i have spent tens of thousands of dollars on tickets and travel since i graduated back in 1994. This is the worst offensive game plan i have ever seen...worst than last years BS!!! Kiffin needs to man up and be a man put that piece of crap QB on the bench. It is not right to the other players and to fans to endure this anymore. Kiiffin is taking the easy way out and not trying to win games which is disutingly arrogant on his part. GIVESOMEBODY ELSE A CHANCE TO WIN THE FREAKIN GAME....ANYONE CAN COACH THREE AND OUT. NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"LET ME ASK YOU HOW MUCH MONEY IF ANY YOU SPEND ON THE VOLS? THAT SHOULD ANSWER YOUR QUESTION FOR YOU? IF YOU WENT TO UCLA LAST YEAR AND THIS YEAR? DID YOU TRAVEL TO THE FLA, AUBURN, BAMA GAMES LAST YEAR? HAVE YOU SPENT A DIME ON THIS UNVERSITY? IF YES YOU CAN RESPOND HOW YOU LIKE...IF YOU SIT ON YOU AZZZ EVERY WEEKEND YOU HAVE NO VOICE. I LIKE KIFFIN, JUST PROOVE STEPHENS CAN'T PLAY???"

"I agree the WR are horrible at best .... but good lord man ... your 10 year old could make half of those throws too."

"You have to feel bad for Berry.


Probably the best individual player we've had since Peyton (with apologies to Jamal, Haynesworth, and Henderson) and he will more than likely leave school with a combined 1 victory vs Fla, Bama, UGA, Auburn, & LSU."

"But whippin in every aspect of the game."


"Love Monty Kiffin (jury still out on his son) but even the great Monty was outcoached by a not too long ago H.S. coach. Auburn guys in space most of the night."

"This season is over."
_______________________________________________________________

Some of the literacy in the above quotes sounds like Barnies! Anyway, Gene Cheez-it has officially defeated who was believed to be his equal in terms of sheer greatness!

We got the Hogs tomorrow, but if Bammer can beat them... our game will be over after the first quarter!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

Nick $atan's at it again...

Nick $atan, the evil, dirty, cheating, selfish, no good sunavabitch recently sent flowers to the family of a fallen Lee County officer who was killed in the line of duty.

He probably done it as a publicity stunt as all of us Barnies know he's an evil man who cares nothing about other people, his family, his fans, his players, and at times, even himself.

Just for this, I hate Nick $atan even more...

UT fans compliment Aubarn (AL) despite the fact they hate us so much....

From VolNation (the compliments are in bold)

Dear Auburn,
With your football contest against my alma mater now less than a week away, I feel this is an appropriate time for me to remind you of my feelings for you. I hate you. I hate your backward little cow college. I hate your players, coaches, students, administrators, fans, alumni, janitors, and cafeteria workers. I hate your multiple mascots. I hate you to the point I root for both Alabama and Al Qaeda VAnDERbuilte and Georgier against you. I hate the fact your supporters, with their cow feces caked work boots, will be allowed inside Neyland Stadium next week. I hate you to the point that I have rooted for Texas to defeat you. I hate you so viciously that I don't even root for you against Vanderbilt, I simply hope the ground opens up and swallows both teams and their supporters. I hate you enough to hope you go winless and scoreless every season.

I hope this clears up any ambiguity about my thoughts regarding your institution and its supporters. Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Hatvol96

Backwards little cow college? Multiple mascot? Barnies sporting their cow feces caked work boots? Man, UT may hate us, but they show all the hospitality in the world by complimenting us!

_______________________________________________________________

OTHER NOTABLE QUOTES:
"Why wouldn't I hate a bunch of semiliterate farm trash?"

"Calling them what they are does give me a modicum of joy."

"Alabama fans are Harvard material compared to the mouthbreathers from The Plains."

"A lot of my friends are Auburn fans and they act like AU is the best school on the face of the planet, even though they have never been as good as Tennessee, Alabama, or even Georgia Tech."

"The trolls will be here soon enough. I have already seen them on TD proclaiming they should be ranked, Ut is next to be "chizzed", and throwing out stats to proclaim their "greatness". Other SEC fans are pointing out their schedule thus far, but it seems to fall on deaf ears."

"I don't know is the ears are deaf, but if they're attached to Auburn fans they are most definitely dumb."

"I remember when we played them in B'ham.I remember 1969 when we put the artificial turf in Neyland and Slug Jordan whined like a baby. He also whined until he got Miss State's cowbells banned.I remember the 21-0 shutout in the rain in 1974 an Jordan complaining because we punted on third down."

"Imagine that, Auburn whining about something."

"I understand you are okay with the Auburn Eagles, but how do you feel bout the Auburn Tigers... or Plainsmen, whatever that is supposed to mean."

"The Barn of Stupidity= AU Plains Men,War Eagles and Tigers; I also forgot to add Bobby Lowder U,Thumb Suckers and Beastility Lovers.........oh any more mascots I forgot?"

"I was at the UT-Auburn game at Auburn a few years ago when we almost pulled off that late game comeback. On our way out to the car, an old lady told us that she hoped we crashed and died on the way home. Go to hell, Auburn fans!"

"You seem to be harboring a lot of hatred for the Barn..............I like it!"

"I just lost all faith in you as a judge of character. They are pure and simple human filth. They should erect a giant cage around that cesspool to prevent them from infecting the rest of America with their idiocy."

"its without a doubt that barn fans are much more tolerable than bammers. simply because they havent won anything. even when they go undefeated.if they ever do though itll change very quickly"

"I went to the lovely town of Auburn, Alabama sometime in the late 70s for a game. All I remember thinking was that I had truly come upon the armpit of the South."

"Aren't they the Tigers. I think War Eagle is a battle cry. It is quite confusing."

"Been to every SEC campus multiple times. Auburn is a sewer."

"True, but it's not crawling with Barners. Thus, it's infinitely better than Auburn."

"Very true. Auburn fans are second for me behind Florida and in front of Bama. Their idiotic praise and arrogant defense of a generally worthless program is pretty infuriating. Especially when the last few games against them have been losses."

"Gainsville and Auburn are neck and neck for the worst college football town. I would rather hang out in Starkville. Suprised there hasn't been any mention of their annoying students that wear slacks and ties to every game or their obsession with fecal removing material."

"It is very appropiate that they throw toilet paper as a means of celebration."

"Auburn's whole campus is like UT's AG campus with a lower mean IQ and eight Kuwahee Wastewater Treatment Plants surrounding it."

"Lots of Auburn fans around here (central GA, about 2 hours from there), and I have never seen fans who will turn on their own team as quickly as they do. They are constantly complaining and whining, and tend to pick against their own team in pick-em's at the first sign of weakness."

"Two of the defenses they played are total crap. The other 2 are in the 30's in total defense."

Operation: Backfire Update... Somebody had better get Curtis Anderson on the phone QUICK!

Sourch: Harris to be reinstated after six game suspension

News broke today that Alabammer's Jerrell Harris is going to be reinstated in two weeks according to bammer coach Nick $atan. For us Barnies, this is NOT good news.

I hope the Aubarn (AL) boosters have gotten wind of this so they can bribe Curtis Anderson into maybe luring ole' Jerrell back into another trap in hopes of derailing Alabammer's program once again.

Even though the plan failed... at least they have no clue that the Aubarn (AL) boosters are the source of all this mambo jumbo! ROUND TWO HERE WE GO!

No word on whether he has read my open letter to him or not.

The Road Continues: Aubarn (AL) trashes Ball State... who finished undefeated in 2008!

Even these dorks couldn't contain the Aubarn (AL) Tigers/Plainsmen/Eagles/(white) trash/Cowgirls last Saturday night.

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY EVERYBODY!!!

The road continued last Saturday night as Aubarn (AL) trash-canned the Ball State Cardinals 54-30... HA HA ALABAMMER WE SCORED MORE POINTS SATURDAY THAN YOU DID!! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA!

I ain't gonna lie, these little bastards were tough, but ultimately they were no match for MR. 9-19 (ten more to go and he'll be a 500. coach!) and the mighty Aubarn (AL) football team.

At this point, the Iron Bowl National Championship is STILL playing in Aubarn (AL)'s favor. Alabammer is fortunate enough to be 4-0 though I must note they've still YET to play a team above mediocre status, while Aubarn (AL) on the other hand, continues to knock down BCS powerhouses, CRUSHING their dreams of a BCS title this year.

Coach Gene Cheez-it ain't upset about not being ranked in the AP poll....

...CAUSE WE'RE STILL RANKED NUMBER 1 IN THE OPELIKA-AUBARN NEWS PAPER POLL!! You hear that Bammer? WE'RE NUMBER ONE AND YAL'L AREN'T!! HAHAHAHA!!!

The road continues next Saturday night as the two greatest coaches in the SEC, finally square off against each other in the octagon on the gridiron. It's the match of the century: Coach Gene Cheez-it vs. Coach Lame Kiffin.

I'll have more on our upcoming foe later in the week, but until then...

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

BARNIES OF THE WEEK!!!!

THE PORT-A-POTTY OLYMPIC CHAMPIONS!

These here videos were recorded at the last rodeo held here in Aubarn (AL).

Port-A-Potty Running is another great tradition here in Lee County; a tradition in the form

of the prestigious olympics. These here Barnies were our champions of the month, and

for that, I'm rewarding them with the Barnie of the Week award!

The Road Continues: Aubarn (AL) Demolishes West Virginiar

The "Country Roads" of Aubarn (AL) were just too much.... In fact, I hear they got lost down one of those backroads in Lee County on the way to the stadium!

The West Virginians REALLY enjoyed the Aubarn (AL) experience as they fit right in with Aubarn (AL)'s finest...

Barnies show their class and hospitality toward the Mountaineer nation.

The journey continued today as Aubarn (AL) DESTROYED the best team in the state of West Virginiar (and 50x better than Virginiar Tech) in a revenge game to hold on to our Opelika-Aubarn News number 1 ranking (HAHA ALABAMMER WE'RE RANKED HIGHER THAN YOU).

Coach Cheez-it said in his opening post-game presser: "Come on Tommy, even I can beat West Virginia".

West Virginiar came in ready to unleash their explosive offense, but Aubarn (AL) shut them down FORCING six turnovers and it was smooth sailing for the barn from then on out. Coach Gene Cheez-it improved his mighty all-time record to 8-19 after Saturday's blowout win over the Big East aka The Big Powerhouse Conference's powerhouse team: West Virginiar.

Heisman caliber quarterback, Jarrett Brown received the MVP of the game award as he led the Aubarn (AL) team to 24 points all by his lonesome.

Even Scarbiniensekilosy of the Bammerham news watched our game; and here's the quote of the day:

So, sure, it’s so easy to go overboard. It’s harder to mark the exact time and place when the Auburn fan base got carried away by a fresh start under a new coach, but let’s give it a shot.
The time: 7:11 p.m. on Saturday Sept. 19.

The place: The student section at Jordan-Hare Stadium. It was at that precise moment, in that general location, when a soaked and shirtless young man held aloft a t-shirt with a giddy, lofty message:

‘‘Bama Don’t Want None.”

Clearly, all that rain on the Plain had seeped into his brain. Alabama is a better team than last year, which means Alabama is one of the best teams in the nation. Again.

Bama don’t want none? Of Auburn? Are you sure?

The last time Auburn played Alabama, the Tigers didn’t score none.

Rather than taunting the Tide, it seemed like a better idea at the time to forget Nick Saban’s team and focus on his home state.

West Virginia.

Outside of Alabama, no one humiliated Auburn last season like West Virginia. Two possessions in Saturday night, Mountaineers had picked up where they left off.

It was just a joke though cause WE'RE NOT AUBSESSED WITH ALABAMMER! In fact, they're so scared right now they're obsessed with us! I'll have proof coming in the following weeks.

Next week Aubarn (AL) takes on the mighty Ball State Cardinals, WHO WENT UNDEFEATED LAST YEAR ALABAMMER! They may be 0-3 right now (with VERY CLOSE LOSSES to powerhouse teams such as North Texas, New Hampshire, and Army), but they're not a team to overlook. However, Coach Gene Cheez-it will have the Barnies ready to play. Ball State joins the likes of Louisiana-Tech, Mississippi State, and Western Virginiar as losers who all lost to Coach Gene Cheez-it and company. In addition, they only make our schedule that much tougher showing that we are that much better than Alabammer! And I want to note once more... I AIN'T OBSESSED! Just stating the facts.

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

Trooper Taylor fits right in...

Is he Aubarn (AL)'s new black-white supremacist?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9nt15CpAtM

(Apologies for providing a link and not the video. The fellow Barnie who uploaded the video to YouTube has graciously disabled the embedding code)

Clayton Bigsby would be proud!

BARNIE(S) OF THE WEEK!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen of Aubarn (AL) I proudly present to you...

THE SPELLING NATIONAL CHAMPIONS (and proud Aubarn (AL) Alumni)...

Much like AGM, Mosley, and Dyer, these guys truly are unstoppable...

I wonder if they'll volunteer to be our poster kids for what an Aubarn (AL) degree -- with little or no work required -- can do for you!

RUNNER UP:

The original champs would be proud...

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!!

The Difference Between Alabammer and Aubarn (AL)...

Eager to know the difference between Alabammer and Aubarn (AL)? The answer lies just below in the pictures...

"S" the coach...

"S" The Sanctioned...

Bear Bryant Obsession...

Bear Bryant AUbsession...

The Start of a New Legacy...

The Start of a New Legacy (Barnie version)...

Got 12...

Got 12...

Alabammer at ESPN's Gameday...

Aubarn (AL) at Alabammer's ESPN Gameday...



Aubarn (AL) on ESPN's Gameday...


Parole Tide...

Even Saban Predicts Seven...

Other classic Barnie Gameday signs worth noting (couldn't find the pics): TERRANCE CODY IS FAT; $ $ATAN $; SARAH JESSICA PARKER WILSON; GOT SIX?

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!!!

Gene Cheez-it Wins SEC West Newbie Coach National Championship!!!

Coach Dan Mullen (secretly a bammer) said in the post-game presser, "Cheez-it cheated!" Obviously this guy has got serious issues...

The road to the national championship continued last Saturday as Aubarn (AL) pummeled fellow conference powerhouse (and not a Florida divisional school), Mississippi State (who is 2-1 against Bammer in the last three years).

Coach Cheez-it (now 7-19!), had a tough task in front of him going into a monstrous battle, Saturday night by having to work hard all week at coming up with a solution to STOPPING a Misserssippi State offense that currently EQUALS the Florider Gatorz offense. In addition, he was also battling for the SEC West Newbie Coach of the Year National Championship (HA HA BAMMER WON WON SEC WEST NEWBIE COACH OF THE YEAR NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP AND YAL'L DIDN'T!! HAHAHA!). Coach Cheez-it yet again proved to the universe that he is the best coach in terms of all aspects of coaching Saturday night by, not just blowing out one of the best teams the SEC West had to offer, but also shutting down a Florida Gator offense now turned Mississippi State Bulldawg... and also winning the SEC West Newbie Coach of the Year National Championship!

Looks like even ole Tuberneck lent Coach Cheez-it some advice on how to shut down a Florider Gator offense, now turned Misserssippi State!

Next week, Coach Cheez-it has his hands full again with an undefeated and overly extremely powerful Mountaineer squad who blew out a great coach last year, which was Tommy Tuberneck. West Virginia currently has two convincing wins over BCS powerhouses, Liberty (33-20) and ECU (35-20). I know coach Cheez-it will prevail as this will be yet another tune up game for him. Winning just ain't a problem with the Cheez-whiz!

Courtesy of CrapstoneReport.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!!

Operation: Backfire... The AUbarnie's Letter to Curtis Anderson

Don't tell the Bammers, but our Operation Derail has backfired!

Dear Curtis Anderson,

As a sincere and lifelong Aubarn (AL) fan, I must commend you on your complete dedication and focus on derailing the tracks that The University of Alabammer AT Tuscalooser is currently on -- as well as being brave enough to be the soul middle man for the Aubarn (AL) boosters when nobody else would do it.

When the top-secret news broke across Aubarn (AL) message boards all across the net that Aubarn (AL) boosters promised to get Alabammer back by signing all of the states top recruits (and cheating as well... after all who wouldn't want to attend four years at Aubarn (AL) ?) -- namely Jerrell Harris, Barnies all across Lee County celebrated in unison. We rolled Toomer's Corner and even threw a "Get 'em back" rodeo in further celebration.

Now, it has come to my attention that Bammers are starting to gain suspicion of our attempts to destroy their program, bringing them down to our level of greatness. After reporting that Robert Witt flew to the NCAA headquarters to speak with the NCAA -- a president wouldn't fly to talk about a player's eligibility, Bammers getting the Alabammer Attorney General involved, and someone spilling the beans that you're wife is an avid Barnie, and your son currently attends school here at Aubarn (AL), the plan has back-fired.

Here are a few solutions from keeping Aubarn (AL) out of trouble: 1) Tell them you're secretly working for The University of Alabammer AND NOT Aubarn (AL) boosters. 2) Tell your wife to change her allegiance (temporarily) and enroll your son at Alabammer (temporarily). 3) Get the Aubarn (AL) boosters to lend you enough cash to buy ALL of the Alabama players Escalade Limo's (and tell them they're from Bear Bryant Jr.). 4) Send a fake contract to Nick Saban from Opelika High School offering him $40,000 a year to come coach the Bulldogs.

Now you must do this ASAP or else we'll get canned for this. Seeing as how you're brighter than most Bammers are saying, I trust that you'll make the right decisions by choosing NOT to report Aubarn (AL)... after all, telling them you had no idea Jones, Ingram, and Harris were football players was a good start.

With that being said, we thank you for your Aubarn (AL) patronage and a big WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY is deserved!

Aubarn (AL) Obliterates BCS Powerhouse Louisiana-Tech... 13 Left!

Can you say... 6-19? 6-19? 6-19?

Is it just me, or does Coach Cheez-it look eerily similar to Roy Scheider in his younger days?

Folks, if you didn't get to catch Aubarn (AL)'s convincing victory over BCS powerhouse Louisiana-Tech, then you missed several historic moments unveil themselves last Saturday night: Gene Cheez-it's Aubarn (AL) debut; Gene Cheez-it's SIXTH career victory; the first game of Aubarn (AL)'s 2009 BCS/Iron Bowl National Championship season; and lastly Gene Cheez-it being awarded a brand spankin' new double-wide on Wire Road, courtesy of the Aubarn (AL) Athletic Department for beating the second best "Tech" program in the country (the first being us).

Coach Cheez-it said he's already made hotel reservations in Pasadena, California!

At least we beat the best Tech team in the state of Louisianer, while Alabammer struggled with a no-named Tech team from somewhere up North.

Courtesy of In The Know over at The Crapstone Report

Tune in this Saturday as Aubarn (AL) and Coach Gene Cheez-it focuses their attention on Alabammer Mississippi State for Aubarn (AL)'s second win of the season and Coach Gene Cheez-it's SEVENTH career win!

The road continues THIS SATURDAY!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

The Road to the BCS Championship Begins...

The road begins today!

Coach Gene Cheez-it has already stated that he's already ordered our Opelika-Aubarn News preseason predicted to win the Iron Bowl and BCS National Championship rings!

Coach Gene Cheez-it holds up OA News' preseason ranking for Aubarn (AL) for the AUbarnie at yesterday's practice... but it looks like he forgot to wear his Aubarn (AL) gear to practice. Guess it don't make much of a difference!!

We'll have our post-game analysis up sometime tomorrow. Until then, let's go out there and kick the Saban out of Derek Dooley!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man's Thoughts Aubarn (AL)'s Opening Game VS. La. Tech

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka
the only undefeated Finebaum caller.

WHAT IT IS MY FELLOW BARNIE AMIGOS? I-MAN IS BACK LIKE BRET FAVRE AND BAMMER... I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE LATTER.

ANYWHO...

YA KNOW VIRGINIA TECH IS GONNA PUT IT ON BAMMER. WHEN I SAY PUT IT ON I MEAN PUT IT ON LIKE THE NCAA DID TO THOSE CHEATING BAMMERS WHO HANDED OUT FREE CLASS CREDITS... I MEAN FREE TEXTBOOKS TO THOSE CERTAIN INDIVIDUAL PLAYERS. VIRGINIA TECH IS GONNA LAY DOWN THE LAW LIKE AUBARN (AL) DID TO THEM LAST YEAR... I MEAN LIKE UTAH DID TO THEM LAST YEAR.

VIRGINIA TECH'S GONNA SEND SABAN INTO A DRINKING FRENZY AND I'LL BET MY LIFE SAVINGS EARNED FROM MY AIR CONDITIONING BUSINESS ON THAT! BAMMERS YOU SHOULD TAKE NOTES ON HOW TO HANDLE AN OPPONENT. BY TAKING NOTES I MEAN BY WATCHING WRBL'S GAME OF THE WEEK: AUBARN AND LOUISIANA TECH. WE'RE GOING TO MANHANDLE THEM THE WAY WE MANHANDLE OUR COWS DOWN AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE IN AUBARN (AL). MAYBE OLE COACH NICK CAN ALSO TAKE SOME COACHING NOTES BECAUSE COACH CHEEZ-IT'S GONNA SCHOOL LOSER TECH WHILE VIRGINIAR TECH IS GONNA SCHOOL ALABAMMER. SO HAVE THEM NOTEPADS READY CAUSE IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT SATURDAY.

HECK IF WORST COMES TO WORST, I'M SURE COACH CHEEZ-IT WILL HAVE AN OPENING ON THE GRAD ASSISTANT STAFF THAT $ATAN MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN CAUSE AFTER VIRGINIA TECH SHUTS BAMMER OUT AND SITS EM DOWN COACH $ATAN WILL LEAVE ANYWAY.

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I THINK I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU BAMMERS. LOOK AT WHERE WE'RE AT TODAY AND WHERE Y'ALL ARE AT. Y'ALL MAY WANNA GO AHEAD AND FORFEIT THE NEXT 20 IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS JUST TO SAVE THE HEARTACHE! HEY... IT'S JUST A SUGGESTION! I'M JUST LENDING SOME FRIENDLY RIVAL ADVICE WHILE THE NIGHT'S STILL YOUNG CAUSE COME SATURDAY IT'LL BE ALL OVER FOR Y'ALL!

I'LL BE BACK TO CHECK UP ON Y'ALL WHILE WE'RE BASKING IN THE GLORY OF DEFEATING ONE OF THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS PROGRAMS IN THE COUNTRY WHILE Y'ALL ARE HANGING YOUR HEADS IN DEFEAT AFTER A CUPCAKE TEAM DESTROYS Y'ALL.

UNTIL NEXT TIME... I-MAN.... OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

What to do around Aubarn (AL) this weekend!

For those of you La Tech fans who've never had the luxury of taking part in the Aubarn (AL) experience, here's a brief list breaking down some of the top tourist attractions in the lovely Lee County, AL.

Tractor Pulls

This here is our version of Six Flags where the rides are thrilling beyond belief!

Shootin' Skeet With Our Very Own Bammer Desecrators

Hosted by none other than our very own Bammer Desecrators you can shoot skeet all day long with the Lee County Legends!

Fraternity Parties

If it's Friday night, you can head over to a KKK Fraternity Party! Just make sure you're not of any other origin than redneck and or white trash!

Aubarn (AL) Rodeo

This here is more of a pregame festivity. Only problem is, once you enter the Rodeo grounds you ain't gonna want to leave! So make sure you sell your ticket off if you plan on checking

this event out!

The Historic Opelika District Tour

Yet another mind-boggling pregame festivity! Aubarn (AL) offers tours through our historic neighborly superior city, Opelika (which Aubarn (AL) is currently underfunded by). If you already have your football tickets purchased, show the tour guide at the gate and they give you a 20% discount on all tours!

And if that ain't enough, you can also check out some of our pre and post game traditions!

We hope y'all enjoy your Aubarn (AL) experience as we're sure you will!

Y'all be sure to come back now ya here!

Barnie of the week!

Admittedly it's been a while but now... THE BARNIE OF THE WEEK AWARDS ARE BACK!

This week's winner is none other than...

LOVELY LINDA...

For you tourists, if you're ever traveling down the fascinating landmark known as Wire Road and you've ever got five bucks or a smoke to spare, she's all yours!

Linda's always there to lend advice. In fact, the fan who submitted her picture included a quote of her own, "the best advice she'd given me after asking for change to fill up an invisible car that was out of gas as there was only one other car at the gas station, so she could ride up to Western Sizzlin in Opelika where she had just been laid off from so she could pick up her check, was, 'next time you go to court you'd better take the fine money with ya or else they'll put yer ass in jail'!"

Absolutely beautiful!

Congrats Linda on winning the barnie of the week award and best of luck on panhandling up your fine money!

Top Five Reasons Aubarn (AL) is BACK in 2009...

1) Coach Gene Cheez-it.
Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. A man who single-handedly won 2 BCS Championships and won three consecutive Iron Bowl National Championships... not as a head coach, but AS A FREAKIN' DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR!!! A man who succeeded another man who led his program (Iowa State) to five bowl games from 2000-2005. A man who was humbly defeated by national powerhouses such as Kent State, Northern Iowa, UNLV, and Toledo and still lived to coach another down. A man who wasn't afraid to criticize the current establishment when he was forced to leave the lovely Aubarn (AL). A man who is now Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. The first reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009!

2) Quarterback Chris Todd... the new and improved version.
Aubarn (AL)'s current starting quarterback. A man of confidence. A true team player. A leader. A man who knows how to lead his team to victory. A man with two SEC victories as a QB on his resume. A man who obliterated fellow conference powerhouse Mississippi State scoring a jaw-dropping 3 points. A man who shellacked Louisiana-Monroe--a team that defeated Alabammer, our Iron Bowl National Championship opponent. A man who posted an impressive -63 yards rushing in 2008. A man who wasn't pansy enough to play with a hurt shoulder in 2008. The second reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009.

3) Coach Otis Franklin Arthur Gustav Malzahn III.
Aubarn (AL)'s current offensive coordinator/spread guru. The sequel! Much like Coach Cheez-it, a man who single-handedly led Arkansas and Tulsa to conference championship games. A man who was able to score TWICE against a prime powerhouses such as USC AND WISCONSIN. A messiah whose promise is to live up to Coach Otis Franklin's broken expectations. A man who knows the spread the way I know how to wipe my ass (in fact his book made for some damn good toilet paper). A man of offensive wisdom. A man who'll be coaching both Kodi Burns and Chris Todd in the SAME OFFENSE SIMULTANEOUSLY! The third reason why Aubarn (AL) wins it all in 2009!

4) Bammer's Probation.
Aubarn (AL)'s big brother. Not to sound obsessed, because I'm not (in fact I don't care about Bammer at all as they're by no means a threat to Aubarn (AL) anymore), but they're back on probation once again. Last time they were put on probation, it benefited Aubarn (AL) immensely. And with an even better coaching staff and talent on hand, their current downfall will benefit us times two compared to the last! The third reason Aubarn (AL) wins this m'fer in 2009!

5) Jay Jacobs.
STILL Aubarn (AL)'s athletic director. A man who's not afraid to fire one coach and swing for the fences for the next. A man who pin-pointed out Coach Cheez-it and convinced him that it would be wise to coach at Aubarn (AL). A man who's not afraid to laugh at UCLA's challenge and piss on it by replacing them with Division 9-A high-school powerhouses such as Furman, Tennessee-Chattanooga, and Arkansas State. A man who is more intelligent than Bammer's Mal Moore. A man who has Bobby Lowder and Jimmy Bob Ranes by the strings. The fifth and final reason Aubarn (AL) shall control the college football universe in 2009.


Combine the five together and you have a recipe for championship.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!