BARNIE OF THE WEEK!!!

You might be a redneck Barnie if...

If the perfect push-up can work for this guy, then why not you?

Let's wash 'em like we do the cows!

Straight from the Front Page of the AUbarn (AL) Villager:

Click the image for higher resolution view

Looks like I'll now finally get to check Aubarn (AL)'s City Fest and seeing Farmer John perform live in person, off my Bucket List!!!
source

Barnies as South Park Characters

In more recent news, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, creators of the hit controversial show South Park, have once again found a way to piss off the strict followers of the Islamic faith... and to honor their ballsy efforts of continuously finding ways to get under the folks who are more delusional than them there Bammers, I'd like to pay tribute to the show by dramatically transforming real life Barnies into animated South Park Characters.

So without further ado, I present to you...



I-MAN!!!!!

See the resemblance? I was thinking this guy could fly as the brother of Randy Marsh! And as the Ghetto Avenue Boys once sang, I-Man has definitely "Got it" except he ain't no girl... at least last time he reported for his monthly sheep duty shift here in Lee County, he wasn't...

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!!

Top Ten AU Moments of the Decade: Number 7

The Ring!!!


What makes The University of Aubarn (AL) so unique? What separates our football program from the rest? Well, not many people can say they have a national championship ring from a year they didn't win a national title, but we Barnies can!!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!! WE ARE THE 2004 UNDEFEATED (AND IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONS) PEOPLE'S AND JASON CAMPBELL'S NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!!!

OT: Who we barn-tards hate outside of the football realm!

As you are aware, being an Aubarn (AL) fan is no cake walk. Each and every day we are forced to awaken knowing that we are Aubarn (AL) supporters. It's not an easy fact to cope with by no means, but we do it anyhow! Admittedly, we spend 3/4ths of our lives doing everything within the limits of our humanly power attempting to destroy the mothership: The Alabammer Crimson Turd. And three simple words (unless you're a sociology major or your Carnell "Pinto" Williams, Junior "I has a crayon" Rosegreen, or "St-st-stuttering" Kenny Irons then it might not seem so simple, but one day it will after leaving the confines of Lee County) pretty much sums up our daily attempt to destroy Alabammer: we epically fail!

But that's besides the point. Enough Alabammer football envy hate talk... instead, let's focus on the things we envy hate, outside of Alabammer football. I'm talking a little gem known as the entertainment industry. And for those of you barnies who've yet to buy yourself a picture box, and the rest of you who have bought one, but can't pick up a signal on the antenna then these next few sentences are for you... In a land, far, far away there lies a futuristic civilization (and we ain't talking Columbus, GA) where the picture boxes are flat, the pick-up trucks don't have no rust on the hood (and they run perfectly fine), cow pastures are replaced with tall buildings and double-wides are replaced by two story homes, and the women have all their teeth. I'm talking Hollywood and... ah hell, well if your Aubarn (AL) loving arse don't know what Hollywood iz, then you probably ain't even reading this message because that Aubarn (AL) degree didn't require you to pass 1st grade reading!

Anyhow, this is the first of a four part series we'll be posting here at the AUbarnie... and without further ado, my fine Aubarn (AL) family, I present to you the people we Aubarn (AL) fans should hate, outside of Alabammer football:

Starting with...

THE FEATURE FILM INDUSTRY

1) Channing Tatum:
Not because he's an Alabammer fan, or because he's inventing a new Alabammer hand gesture to counter Texas' Hook 'em gesture, but because Dear John was gay and Aubarn (AL) rodeos are not.

NOTE: We don't hate the Jonas brothers or Leann Rimes.


2) Eva Longoria:
Stop judging me people because again, it's not because she's affiliating herself with the Alabammer program here, but because every time I get a copy of "The Corner News", and after glancing through the comic section (our favorite section), I take a glance over the sports page, and anytime baseball news breaks from Tampa Bay, I get their third basemen confused with a Desperate Housewife character.


3) Melissa Joan Hart:
Not 'cause the hubby's an Alabammer fan, or 'cause she pulls for Alabammer too, but because he's ugly, out of shape, and appears to be disoriented. When you got all that fame, fortune, and brains, why can't you use that sense of judgment to pick a dime-piece stud such as myself, I(ncomprehensible)-Man, Charles From Reeltown, Cock-Fighter, or Aubarn (AL)'s Marlboro Man? Hell, where is that bammer standing? On a sidewalk! Therefore that means he is a sidewalk fan! He ain't going NO WHERE in life! Hell he probably can't even find Tuscalooser, Alabammer on a map, just like there ain't no way in hell we Aubarn (AL) fans can find Atlanter on a map either (cause we ain't never gone play in the Jawga Dome again). At least I, along with the I and Marlboro Man, Charles, and Cock-Fighter all gots a master degrees from the prestigious Aubarn (AL) University!

Wait a minute... she's standing on a sidewalk AND she pulls for Alabammer too... that means SHE'S A SIDEWALK FAN AND WE HATES HER CAUSE OF THAT TOO!!!



4) Sela Ward:
Who on Earth names their daughters Sela??? Really??? In Aubarn (AL) we have class and sophistication. We name our kids classy names such as Lizard, Poodles, and Tim Tebow.


5) Courtney Cox:

It's obvious by the last name and we've all seen the leaked sex tape of her and Ace Ventura therefore, she's a whore!


6) David Arquette:

'Cause he's married to that two-timing no good whore!


7) Rece Davis
Not cause he's an Alabammer alumni, but because last time I ate Reese cups I shit out a spectrum of colors, like a rainbow, and every time I hear his name, or see his Eric Cartman looking face, I have to run BACK to the outhouse where I'm usually forced to camp out for two or three days. I puts him here cause he's gots himself and IMDB account, which is film industry related!


8) Jim Nabors:
'Cause this ass-hat plays a character which resides in a town that copies the wonderful city of Aubarn (AL). WE ARE THE ORIGINAL MAYBERRY, DAMMIT!

And there you have it! Just a few examples of who we Barnies should hate in the entertainment industry. Feel free to add your own as part two of four is just around the corner!

A-Day Revyou: AUBARN (AL) WINS!!!!

AUtards bring their footballs, programs, and laptops in hopes of having Cameron "Walks on Water" Newton autograph them.

Word on the street is autographed Cam Newton laptops are a real steal these day...

The Messiah aka Cam Newton made his Aubarn (AL) playing debut last Saturday at A-Day, living up to the hype and setting a new standard for SEC quarterbacks by overwhelmingly going 3 for 8 on Saturday!

The red carpet was rolled out for Cameron, by his reliable slaves, Coach Gene Cheez-it and Coach Arthur, as he snuck onto the field like a thief in the night, lighting the field up with his super powerful laptop snatching arm, and then returned to his kingdom (the world's first ever quadruple wide on Wire Road), where his driveway is actually paved... IN CEMENT and he has a screened in porch!

After putting on a quarterback clinic by brilliantly piling up the passing attempt numbers, Cam "Jesus" Newton's sheer awesomeness left Coach Cheez-it and Arthur so stunned, it literally sent them into a state of catatonia... which would explain why the clock never stopped running in the second half.

Aubarn (AL) fans came from all over Lee County and Wire Road, SELLING OUT THE LOWER BOWL LEVEL to get a live-action glimpse of the savior himself (and fortunately enough were not advised to park at the hay fields this year).

"My eyes... My eyes... the greatness radiating from every pore in our Master's body has blinded me!" Yeller Feller said.

A fellow resident of Wire Road had this to say: "He's my hero, my rock, and my inspiration. Me and my sheep slash lover, Cootus jumped in the pick-up and drove 25 miles to Columbus, GA just so we could steal us one of them wap-tops. Seeing a wap-top in person was a sight to behold, but seeing savior Cameron is just unexplainable... I brought mine with me cause me wants my new lord to sign it," Richie Dong said.

Sadly enough, Aubarn (AL) fans will have to wait until the Fall before they can see the Messiah perform again, but we're all a patient bunch... after all, we're still waiting on our 1 1/2 national championship and have been patiently waiting since 1957!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

BARNIES OF THE WEEK!!!!!

And boy to we have lots of 'em... In a sense, this annual event is more highly anticipated than Aubarn (AL) winning an Iron Bowl National Championship -- and that's saying a lot!

Enjoy as you witness the gathering of the finest of Aubarn (AL) Men and Women. Together, we are a family...

via Michael Medallion FOTP

ESPN's Little Brother Network to Televise the State of Alabammer's Little Brother Program...

Any questions?

What is little man's syndrome?

It is... Josh Bynes' remarkable statement!

Another clean tackle, courtesy of a Ted Roof coached defensive player!

“I congratulate them on their national championship,” Auburn senior linebacker Josh Bynes said. “But at the same time, if one play goes differently, we could have won the Iron Bowl. Of course, it didn’t go our way, and they beat us. But we know we’re right there.
You look at coach (Nick) Saban’s first year at Alabama, and he didn’t win against us, and now all of a sudden, they’ve won two years against us and you hear all sorts of things like they’re going to own Auburn the next couple of years. I’m telling you … that’s not going to be the case.”
We know for a fact that we’re a better team now than we were the year before, and we’re going to go out there and play at a level 20 times higher than we did before, especially defensively.
It’s going to be a different feel around that game from now on, and with Alabama winning the national championship, it’s going to be even higher expectations. There’s nothing like beating the previous year’s national champion, and there ain’t nothing like winning the Iron Bowl.”

A Bammer fan on another forum summed it up perfectly for us, or as moi calls it, "nailed us on the head":

“Nothing in there about AU's hopes for this season, nothing about where they stand in the SEC or BCS picture, nothing about his personal progress. As usual, it's an article full of quotes on Bama......because that's what their program lives to do, beat Bama. At Alabama, we play 12 games in the regular season, whereas Auburn only plays one. And who might that one be? See the last team on the schedule and hence the reason (one of a million reasons at that) they save their only bye week prior to playing the last game in the regular season.

I literally can't remember, besides the actual Iron Bowl week, the last time that anyone associated with our program has even mentioned Auburn.”


But as Mr. Joshua Bynes said himself, ain't nothing like winning an Iron Bowl national championship and guess what bammers... WE WON SIX STRAIGHT IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS LAST DECADE AND Y'ALL DIDN'T!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHA!!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

Arby rides bull at last weekend's rodeo!

What more can thouest say?

IT'S OFFICIAL: Ziemba's Coming Back!

Lee Ziemba helps block for T. Zachery on his touchdown drive in last season's Iron Bowl National Championship game.

Great news broke out of Wire Road just a few days ago as Lee Ziemba admitted to turning down the NFL in order to give one last go at playing football for Aubarn (AL) University. Sources have confirmed that the trio of Lowder, Dye, and Yeller Feller were not of any influence behind his decision.

Ziemba told reporters: "Uh, the NFL was secretly impressed with my record breaking (false start) numbers and really pretty much, uh, begged me to skip out on my senior season, and, uh, also told me I would be the for sure number 1 draft lock, but, uh, you see, I, uh, really love Lee County and the family atmosphere provided here on Wire Road, so, uh, I just wanted to come back and the NFL said if I didn't enter the draft this year, the probability of me not being eligible for next year's draft was, uh, 99.9% certain. But, uh, I just love everything about Lee County: the cow pastures, trailer parks, and rodeos and I want to spend as much time here as I can. So if anything, I may still be able to sign as a free agent, but I'd rather do that as long as I get to spend one more magical year here in the wonderful county of Lee."

Coach Cheez-it said he, Arthur, and Lee have been working overtime at bringing up those false starts, especially on third downs and they hope he'll be an unstoppable false starting machine when kickoff rolls around.

Turning down millions of dollars and being the number 1 draft pick, just so you can spend one last year in the great Lee County truly makes Lee Ziemba a certified Aubarn (AL) Man!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY AND WAR DAMN ZIEMBA HEY!!!