Top Five Reasons Aubarn (AL) is BACK in 2009...

1) Coach Gene Cheez-it.
Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. A man who single-handedly won 2 BCS Championships and won three consecutive Iron Bowl National Championships... not as a head coach, but AS A FREAKIN' DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR!!! A man who succeeded another man who led his program (Iowa State) to five bowl games from 2000-2005. A man who was humbly defeated by national powerhouses such as Kent State, Northern Iowa, UNLV, and Toledo and still lived to coach another down. A man who wasn't afraid to criticize the current establishment when he was forced to leave the lovely Aubarn (AL). A man who is now Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. The first reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009!

2) Quarterback Chris Todd... the new and improved version.
Aubarn (AL)'s current starting quarterback. A man of confidence. A true team player. A leader. A man who knows how to lead his team to victory. A man with two SEC victories as a QB on his resume. A man who obliterated fellow conference powerhouse Mississippi State scoring a jaw-dropping 3 points. A man who shellacked Louisiana-Monroe--a team that defeated Alabammer, our Iron Bowl National Championship opponent. A man who posted an impressive -63 yards rushing in 2008. A man who wasn't pansy enough to play with a hurt shoulder in 2008. The second reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009.

3) Coach Otis Franklin Arthur Gustav Malzahn III.
Aubarn (AL)'s current offensive coordinator/spread guru. The sequel! Much like Coach Cheez-it, a man who single-handedly led Arkansas and Tulsa to conference championship games. A man who was able to score TWICE against a prime powerhouses such as USC AND WISCONSIN. A messiah whose promise is to live up to Coach Otis Franklin's broken expectations. A man who knows the spread the way I know how to wipe my ass (in fact his book made for some damn good toilet paper). A man of offensive wisdom. A man who'll be coaching both Kodi Burns and Chris Todd in the SAME OFFENSE SIMULTANEOUSLY! The third reason why Aubarn (AL) wins it all in 2009!

4) Bammer's Probation.
Aubarn (AL)'s big brother. Not to sound obsessed, because I'm not (in fact I don't care about Bammer at all as they're by no means a threat to Aubarn (AL) anymore), but they're back on probation once again. Last time they were put on probation, it benefited Aubarn (AL) immensely. And with an even better coaching staff and talent on hand, their current downfall will benefit us times two compared to the last! The third reason Aubarn (AL) wins this m'fer in 2009!

5) Jay Jacobs.
STILL Aubarn (AL)'s athletic director. A man who's not afraid to fire one coach and swing for the fences for the next. A man who pin-pointed out Coach Cheez-it and convinced him that it would be wise to coach at Aubarn (AL). A man who's not afraid to laugh at UCLA's challenge and piss on it by replacing them with Division 9-A high-school powerhouses such as Furman, Tennessee-Chattanooga, and Arkansas State. A man who is more intelligent than Bammer's Mal Moore. A man who has Bobby Lowder and Jimmy Bob Ranes by the strings. The fifth and final reason Aubarn (AL) shall control the college football universe in 2009.


Combine the five together and you have a recipe for championship.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

The Top Ten Teams Coach Gene Cheez-It Has Beaten

The Bammer-Biased website, Gump For Heisman, recently posted an unbiased column containing their picks of the top 10 ten teams Coach Gene Cheez-it has beaten. I think they honestly done a good job with their selections...

Top 10 teams Gene Chizik has beaten:

1) South Dakota State
2) Kansas State
3) Iowa
4) Colorado
5) Kent State
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Coach Cheez-It Pulls a Joke on Opelika!

Wonder when they'll make these in orange and blue?

I know a new six letter word (Chizik), and our new coach is full of it!

LOLOLOLOL!

But it's nice to know we have a head coach who can take and administer a joke or two every now and again, unlike Bammer's head coach. A very reliable source (I-Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabammer) told me, on the eve of Coach Cheez-it's hiring, that ole' Coach Cheez had a very unique sense of humor -- and today, the dysfunctional Barnie family experienced it first hand!

A mere four days after Coach Cheez-it promised the Opelika natives that prime-time, all-star, mega-man recruit, Reuben Randle would visit the plains, and even had a single-wide on Wire Road already picked out, today, we learned that Coach Cheez-it was just kidding about the whole Randle ordeal all along -- and hell if we didn't fall for it too! We rolled Toomer's Corner and even threw a "Welcome Reuben Randle Rodeo" atop that!

Emmit Randle told the Bammerham News, "I don't know how that got out, but we never scheduled a visit."

I had a chance to catch up with Coach C today in the trailer park, and he told me, "I just thought a good spin would help build my credibility as an unproven recruiter."

I don't really know how to translate that, but all I said in response was, "You ever thought of giving stand-up comedy a shot?" He said, "No, not in today's society."

Well, seeing how that's squared away, at least we learned another thing about our new coach: he sure is a joker (I would insert a photoshopped Cheezit/Joker pic here but due to server difficulties it's impossible right now)! Maybe next he can tell us that he's certain we'll win the Iron Bowl National Championship next year! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Iowa State Strikes Back

"If they want a war, we'll give 'em a damn war!"
-I(ncomprehensible)-Man on Iowa State's retaliation

What could Rhoades possibly be thinking? "Spend nearly a year in this shit-hole and you'll look like this too."

Well, well, well, it appears we now have a war on our hands, folks; I'm not talking about the 'War on Terror', I'm talking about the 'War on Opelika.'

About two or three weeks ago, the good ole' Jays swung for the fences and perhaps landed the greatest hire in the history of collegiate football coaching hires: Gene Cheezit. The school of which we lured him away from (practically begging him to step down and take the AOPI job) was Iowa State, where his unblemished, touch blue make it true, record was remarkably phenomenal. Keep that in mind, it's highly understandable knowing anyone would have a hard time giving him up.

However...

Just when we thought the dust had settled, and bygones were bygones, Iowa State sends a nuclear missile right into the heart of downtown Aubarn, taking away our beloved, first (going into his second) year defensive coordinator... this means war!

"They took our coordinator, get ready for a war!"
-Josh MOOOOOOOOOn on Iowa State's retaliation

It's one thing to run down to the local bar and see your AD on the tube, running his mouth about Cheezit and Opelika; it's another to have your beat writers trash Opelika for hiring him; but stealing away our defensive coordinator is like crossing the 38th parallel in the Korean War!

What shall you do when Opelika's Rebel Flag Army descends upon you?

In doing so, an Opelika army is building. We don't call ourselves "The Rebel Army" we call ourselves, "The Rebel Flag Army" which I summoned upon my former POW grandpa, Colonel Grandpa Dovard to lead.

Is Colonel Grandpa Dovard a potential "Barnie of the week" candidate?

Colonel Grandpa Dovard owns the SouthSide Junkyard here in Opelika, which is the largest junkyard, not only in Opelika, but in the entire south-eastern parts of the United States.

"They may take our coordinator, but they'll never take our freedom!"
-Colonel Grandpa Dovard on Iowa State's retaliation

Colonel Grandpa Dovard has grown senile over the years, but one thing the old fart still can master is brilliant military strategies, which he's learned from watching "Gone With The Wins" over the years.

"Why not let the Damn War Eagle do all the fighting for us?"
-Phillip Marshall on Iowa State's retaliation

Just as I feel confident about Gene Cheezit leading our football team to victory, I feel that same confidence with Colonel Grandpa Dovard leading the Rebel Flag Army to victory in this new found war we Barnies backed into, simply because Iowa State can't get over the fact we took the greatest coach known to man away from them.

Stay tuned, for I vow to keep you posted on the "War on Opelika" if anything else is to break through.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!