Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Iowa State Strikes Back

"If they want a war, we'll give 'em a damn war!"
-I(ncomprehensible)-Man on Iowa State's retaliation

What could Rhoades possibly be thinking? "Spend nearly a year in this shit-hole and you'll look like this too."

Well, well, well, it appears we now have a war on our hands, folks; I'm not talking about the 'War on Terror', I'm talking about the 'War on Opelika.'

About two or three weeks ago, the good ole' Jays swung for the fences and perhaps landed the greatest hire in the history of collegiate football coaching hires: Gene Cheezit. The school of which we lured him away from (practically begging him to step down and take the AOPI job) was Iowa State, where his unblemished, touch blue make it true, record was remarkably phenomenal. Keep that in mind, it's highly understandable knowing anyone would have a hard time giving him up.

However...

Just when we thought the dust had settled, and bygones were bygones, Iowa State sends a nuclear missile right into the heart of downtown Aubarn, taking away our beloved, first (going into his second) year defensive coordinator... this means war!

"They took our coordinator, get ready for a war!"
-Josh MOOOOOOOOOn on Iowa State's retaliation

It's one thing to run down to the local bar and see your AD on the tube, running his mouth about Cheezit and Opelika; it's another to have your beat writers trash Opelika for hiring him; but stealing away our defensive coordinator is like crossing the 38th parallel in the Korean War!

What shall you do when Opelika's Rebel Flag Army descends upon you?

In doing so, an Opelika army is building. We don't call ourselves "The Rebel Army" we call ourselves, "The Rebel Flag Army" which I summoned upon my former POW grandpa, Colonel Grandpa Dovard to lead.

Is Colonel Grandpa Dovard a potential "Barnie of the week" candidate?

Colonel Grandpa Dovard owns the SouthSide Junkyard here in Opelika, which is the largest junkyard, not only in Opelika, but in the entire south-eastern parts of the United States.

"They may take our coordinator, but they'll never take our freedom!"
-Colonel Grandpa Dovard on Iowa State's retaliation

Colonel Grandpa Dovard has grown senile over the years, but one thing the old fart still can master is brilliant military strategies, which he's learned from watching "Gone With The Wins" over the years.

"Why not let the Damn War Eagle do all the fighting for us?"
-Phillip Marshall on Iowa State's retaliation

Just as I feel confident about Gene Cheezit leading our football team to victory, I feel that same confidence with Colonel Grandpa Dovard leading the Rebel Flag Army to victory in this new found war we Barnies backed into, simply because Iowa State can't get over the fact we took the greatest coach known to man away from them.

Stay tuned, for I vow to keep you posted on the "War on Opelika" if anything else is to break through.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!


I(ncomprehensible)-Man speaks out on the hiring of Arthur Gustav Malzahn III

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka the only undefeated Finebaum caller.

HERE... I... AM! LIIIIIIIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY: I-MAN, MY FELLOW NACHO LIBRES!

NOW FIRST THING'S FIRST: BAMMER IS CHEATING................................. AGAIN!

LOW AND BEHOLD THE MOST OVERRATED COACH ON THE PLANET DONE SUSPENDED ANDRE SMITH FOR VIOLATING TEAM RULES. NOW, ACCORDING TO MY NUMBER 1 NCAA SOURCE, BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD, ALABAMMER, THAT'S GROUNDS FOR PUNISHMENT BY THE NATIONAL COLLEGIATE ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION.

HE SAYS, "BECAUSE OF THAT, SATAN SABAN WILL BOLT TO NOTRE DAME AND THE ALABAMMER FOOTBALL PROGRAM WILL BE SHUT DOWN ALL TOGETHER." THAT MEANS, NO MORE BAMMAR FOOTBALL. THAT ALSO MEANS THIS STATE WILL NO LONGER HAVE A GARBAGE OF A FOOTBALL TEAM IN IT.

ANYWAY, THE END OF BAMMAR FOOTBALL IS NEAR. I JUST HOPE THEY LAST ONE MORE YEAR SO SHIZNIT AND MALLARYZHONE CAN PUT THE FINAL NAIL IN THEIR COFFIN.

I-MAN OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Barnie of the week!

IIIIIIIIIIIIT'S OFFICIALLY MONDAY! TIME FOR OUR SECOND EDITION OF BARNIE OF THE WEEK!

This week's award goes to the following Barnie:



Eating raw possum is kind of a big deal down here in Opelika, but raw lizard? This is unheard of! Major props goes out to the barnie in the above video (and the rich barnies who managed to afford such an amazing concept to catch it all on tape with) for doing what no barnie in the history of all creation has done before! I just wonder if ketchup on a possum could make the meal anymore enjoyable than it already is?

And as always, if you have a Barnie that you feel should be nominated for such a prestigious weekly award, please send me an email (at awbarnuniversity@hotmail.com) containing a picture and brief description on why that particular Barnie should be put on display on the most awesome website in the whole wide world!

Otis Franklin vs. Arthur Gustav Malzahn III


VS.


-Otis has brown hair (with gray sideburns) - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III has brown hair (with gray sideburns).

-Otis was a successful offensive coordinator at Kentucky and Troy State - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III was a successful offensive coordinator at Arkansas and Tulsa.

-Otils led the SEC in passing (at Kentucky) - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III led the SEC in rushing (at Arkansas)

-Otis produced: "The Tony Franklin System Seminar" - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III produced: "Hurry Up No Huddle - An Offensive Philosophy"

-Otis is renowned for his world-famous 'no huddle offensive philosophy' - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III is renowned for his world-famous 'no huddle offensive philosophy'

-Otis stirred up a few rounds of controversy at Kentucky - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III stirred up a few rounds of controversy at Arkansas

-Otis was a coach at The AlabamaOpelika Polytechnic Institute - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III IS a coach at The AlabamaOpelika Polytechnic Institute

-Otis coached under Tommy Tuberneck - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III coached against Tommy Tuberneck

-Otis rented out a luxurious two-bedroom double-wide on Wire Road (and was evicted immediately after his firing) - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III now resided in the luxurious two-bedroom double-wide Otis once resided in

-Otis' coaching career originated in the high school ranks - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III's coaching career originated in the high school ranks

-Otis takes Viagra - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III takes Enzyte

-Otis' offensive system is considered "basketball on grass" - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III's offensive system is considered to be "kamikaze on grass"

-Otis' career met its untimely demise in Opelika - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III's offensive credibility met its untimely demise the day he agreed to work for Gene Cheezit

-Otis originated the "I can't believe it's not working" formation - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III originated the Houston Nutt formation

-Otis has a killer name - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III has a killer name


...You tell us who deserves the greatest of all-time Polytechnic Institute Coordinator Award...

Is it Otis?


Or is it Arthur Gustav Malzahn III?

The construction of a dynasty continues: Arthur Gustav Malzahn III is now officially an Aubarn Man™

Arthur Gustav Malzahn III, a true/new Aubarn Man™, to resume Otis' offensive coordinating duties.

When Gene Cheezit was hired a few weeks back, in the introductory paragraph of my "Gene Cheezit to Aufarm blog" I said (verbatim), "When I first heard that Gene Chizik was officially announced as a candidate for the Polytechnic Institute job, the first thing that struck my mind was: a national championship."

Now, the inevitable 2009 national championship is seeming more and more... inevitable by the day! Why not go ahead and award us the title now? Hell, the Opelika Farmer's Market is in the works of doing so (which will be the SECOND Opelika Farmer's Market National Championship we've won THIS DECADE--haha bammers).

Anyway, the hiring of this offensive guru is sheer genius--even more so than when Tubby persuaded Otis into stepping down (from Troy State) and resuming Fatty Al's offensive coordinating duties.

Basing this assumption on this hire, I'd already say Gene Cheezit has "overachieved" and he's only been here a mere two weeks! Nick Satan listen up: there's a new sheriff in town and his name is Gene Cheezit and he's already showing you up, cuz!

Now, I may not be able to correctly pronounce his name, but neither can I pronounce the numeric category his offensive stats fell under in his previous years... Folks, that's something positive to see.

With all that being said, I, for one, count my blessings every day; I'm thankful to be one of the fortunate Americans to live in the best single-wide Wire Road has to offer. I'm also thankful for not being an Alabammer fan. I'm also thankful to be a proud native of the lovely Opelika city in the lovely county of Lee. I'm also thankful to be an Aubarn Man™. I'm thankful to be apart of the best family in the whole wide world. And I'm more than happy to welcome Arthur Gustav Malzahn III to our Aubarn family as well!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

more on Arthur Gustav Malzahn III to come shortly...

Friday, December 26, 2008

A Belated Christmas Card From The Saban's

Today, we received a late Christmas Card from the Saban family in our Wire Road mailbox and the good folks down at Tiger Rags managed to upload it onto their computer. Here it is:
I know Nick Saban is an evil man, but this right here is proof that Christmas brings out the genuine kindness in us all. Nick Saban, pictured above with the Alabammer I-Man Clause hat on, personally sent this to every Barnie in Opelika and even though there was no return address, we rolled Booger's Corner as a big "Thank You, Coach".

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY and MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Barnie of the week!

In honor of the greatest collegiate football fanbase nation family, I, the AUbarnie moderator, feel led to randomly select a member of our Aubarn family to put on display for a new weekly column here at the AUbarnie blogspot entitled "Barnie of the week". If you have a Barnie that you feel should be nominated for such a prestigious weekly award, please send me an email (at awbarnuniversity@hotmail.com) containing a picture and brief description on why that particular Barnie should be put on display on the most awesome website in the whole wide world!

The first ever "Barnie of the week" award goes to the Aubarn version of Kid Rock:
This classy Barnie was spotted walking down the ramps at the historical Jordan-Haire Cow Pasture Stadium during the UGA/Polytechnic Institute game this past season, which UGA cheated to win in the waning seconds of the fourth, which prompted thousands millions (do we even have a million AOPI supporters?) of Barnie fans to ask the question, "I wonder how much that cheatin' sun of a gun Mark Richt paid those refs?" But that's another story for another time.

Anywho, you can bet our version of Kid Rock won't be jamming out to the tune of "Singing Sweet Home Alabammer all summer long" no time soon. He's better than that!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

A Christmas Poem

Looks to me like all he's missing is an I-Man Clause hat and a woodshed in the background!

Tis the night before Christmas,
And all is at rest,
For after a decade of stumbling,
Bama’s finally the best,

Best in blocking and tackling,
In recruiting and class,
Best in running the ball down your throat,
Then killing you with the play action pass

We’ve got the best coach,
The consensus has spoken,
For he’s taken every award,
Our opponents’ wills he has broken,

From the lectern he promised,
We would dominate,
Now almost two years later,
Auburn has fallen prostrate,

First Bowden got fired,
Then Fat Phillip fell,
Then Sylvester…then Tubby…
All that’s left is the history to tell,

And thirty-six to nothing,
The champs beat the dumb,
But this game simply was a foreshadowing,
Of the next nine to come,

Saban caused Auburn to panic,
Not once, but yes, twice,
With an OC’s hiring and firing,
They rolled the dice,

And then they fired Tubby,
Citing he seemed to lack,
And then hired Gene Chizik…Gene Chizik!
DOUG BARFIELD IS BACK!

Our rivals, they hate us,
And cheered when we lost,
The Gators played perfect,
Tim Tebow was boss

But this was only the beginning,
As our talent continues to rise,
2008 will be remembered,
As the season of surprise

When a team filled with character,
Bought into a plan,
And played unified,
Behind one incredible man,

A foundation was laid,
As the scoffers fell away,
And Alabama climbed back to the top,
Each football Saturday

And stompings and beatdowns,
Though fun to take in,
Will lead to the big prize,
Championships we will win

So as we approach Christmas,
It’s really about Christ,
And the birth of a Savior,
Offering forgiveness and paradise,

But after this and my family,
The best gift I’ll unwrap,
Is the realization that Bama is a force again,
And Auburn isn’t worth a crap.

Credit this worthwhile read to intheknow72 at CapstoneReport.com

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I(ncomprehensible)-Man-Clause Speaks Out on Christmas

I-Man Clause: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka the only undefeated Finebaum caller aka the only Santa Clause with black chest hair.

HO... HO... HOES! HEEEEEEEEEEEERE I AM! LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE NORTH POLL CONFEDERACY: I-MAN HOMIES!


YA KNOW, AS I SIT HERE AN LISTEN TO ALL THE BAMMURZ CALL IN AND TALK ABOUT SABAN THIS AND SABAN THAT, ALL I GOTS TO SAY IN RESPONSE TO THOSE CRIMSON NECKS IS WAR GENE DAMN CHIZIK! DO Y'ALL BAMMZERZ NOT REALIZE CHIZIK IS BUILDING A DYNASTY THAT SABAN ONLY DREAMS OF DOING ON HIS XBOX 360?

FOLKS AKA BAMMERSES, THAT RUMOR OF NICK SABAN LEAVING AFTER THIS COMING SEASON IS TRUE! WHY? BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE AIN'T GOING TO BE ABLE TO RUN AGAINST THE MACHINE DOWN IN OPELIKA THAT IS GENE CHIZIK. AND LIKE THE FEMALE THAT HE IS, HE'LL RUN OUT ON THE BAMMERS, LEAVING 'EM COACHLESS, AND THEN NOBODY IS GOING TO WANT TO COME COACH AT BAMMER BECAUSE WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD WANT TO COACH IN A STATE WHERE, NOT ONLY DO THEY HAVE TO COMPETE WITH OPELIKA, BUT GENE CHIZIK AS WELL?1?1?1?1 THAT'S ALMOST LIKE A CAT ENTERING A PIT BULL CAGE ATTEMPTING TO EAT THEIR FOOD.

CONTINUE TO FEAR BAMMERS, A NEW STREAK IS NEAR!


Merry Christmas from our Aubarn family to yours...

From all of us here at the AUbarnie blogger, we'd like to extend our families Christmas wishes to yours! WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Sources Confirm Bobby Lowder IS A BAMMER!!!!

Over the past few years, ever since that two-face, backstabbing, traitor known as Bobby Lowder took the first airplane out of Opelika in route of hiring Bobby Petrino, there has been a numerous amount of speculation concerning which team he REALLY hangs his hat on. After seeing a fellow Barnie (who has close ties with the Aufarm Board of Trustees -- pictured above) unveil the truth, via poster-board, at the bring Tommy Tuberneck back to Aubarn protest (which was followed up by the Tommy Tuberneck Memorial Rodeo), it is officially official that Bobby Lowder is a Bammer. I must also note that his protest was held PRIOR to the arrival of Gene Chizik aka GREATEST COACH EVER!!!!!!!11


Why should we fire Jay Jacobs? It's Lowder who is the bammer. FireJayJacobs.com? More like FireBobbyLowder.com! Nice butt-cheeks by the way!

WAR DARN EAGLE HEY!

Barnies and Bammers Unite to Welcome Coach Cheez-it

Either these Bammers have a lot of class (which is something they know absolutely nothing about), or the announcement of his hiring struck fear into their cold hearts which is also known as "The Cheez-it Effect", either way, it's great to know Bammers and Barnies both can set their differences aside to give a warm welcome the best coach coach in the history of coaching, Gene Cheez-it to Opelika!





What's even more awesome is a fellow Bammer even
participated in the rolling of Goober's Corner
Ceremony after the news broke.

I(ncomprehensible)-Man Speaks Out on Barkley's Absurd Comments

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka the only undefeated Finebaum caller.

HERE I AM, LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY! I-MAN IN YOUR FACE, HOES AND I'M LOADED WITH DOUGH LIKE FAT JOE, I'M HERE TO STAY DOG-ONIT AND I'M GONNA SORT THEM BAMMERZ OUT LIKE THE CHICKEN DOES HIS EGGS!

BAMMERZ BEWARE BECAUSE GENE CHIZIK IS HERE AND HE'S ALREADY OWNING SABAN IN EVERY ASPECT OF THE GAME: RECRUITING, PLAYING FIELD, PATTY CAKING, AND FLY FISHING!

I CAN'T WAIT FOR CHIZIK TO GIVE NICK SABAN A COUNTRY BOY ASS-WHIPPING CAUSE IT'S COMING AND IT'S COMING SOON. I HEAR NICK SABAN IS ALREADY PLANNING ON BOLTING FOR THE DOOR BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE WON'T BE ABLE TO HANG WITH COACH CHIZIT!

CHIZIT IS HERE! GIVE US THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP NOW AKA GIVE US THE 2009 IRON BOWL CHAMPIONSHIP NOW!

I-MAN OUT! BAMMER SUCKS!

Five Reasons Why Aubarn Ain't THAT Racist

K, so maybe we do have a history of racism here in C(ow)-Town, but c'mon, we ain't that racist, are we? Here are five reasons (I came up with thank you very much) that we ain't as racist as we appear to be to the casual eye:


1) Virulent Racism at The AlabamaOpelika Polytechnic Institute
Source



So maybe our fraternity students get a little too carried away at times, but it was all in good fun!


2) It ain't discrimination in terms of color, it's the aura of suspicion.
Source
"The Tuskegee students complained to the Auburn City Council about being denied entry last month at Bourbon Street Bar"


The bar owners said it was simply because you didn't meet the dress-code criteria. To get into one of the three bars in Opelika, if you ain't wearing jorts, a wife beater, and a trucker hat, YOU AIN'T GETTING IN!




3) It ain't hate, it's heritage!

It's just how we do it in Dixie, baby!


We just honoring the heritage passed down from our Aubarn
forefathers.



4) Proof that we get along with
African-Americans.


See, we all gets along with each other down in Aubarn!


5) If Finebaum says it, THEN IT'S NOT TRUE!
Source



When is Finebaum ever right? You damn right we have a
plantation mentality BECAUSE WE'RE AUBARN! But
that doesn't mean we're racist! Go cuddle with your
bammer buddies, Paul Finebaum, cause we all know you're
secretly a Bama fan in a bald man's costume!



6) Racism is a thing of the past,
kind of like Bammer Football.

Forward to 1:02 and 9:37





All this happened back in the early 90s. It's over now. Hell, I can't even remember back that far. In fact, I think 1992 was my mother's first year at Aubarn U. I'm proud to also note that it's nearly been 17 years since she first started school here and she almost has her freshman year behind her!


The aforementioned is all the proof you need to know we ain't racist down here on the plains!
I'm forwarding this blog to Paul Finebaum, Shane from Centrepoint, ESPN, and UA.edu!
WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Aubarn ain't racist!?!?!?!?!

by dale: Aubarnie Moderator

So, after nearly a week of soaking up the Gene Cheez-it euphoria, I finally ran down to the local Opelika bar, where a massive amount of my fellow Barnies were gathered around the only working (black and white) television tube in Lee County. 


First thing I heard was bickering going on in regards to comments Sir Charles Barkley made about his alma matter (which I'm about to touch base on). Verbatim: "He's saying we're racist!" And, "Can't believe that dadgum blasted boy is calling us Barnie-necks a bunch of racists hillbillies. I don't mind the hillbilly part, but where does he come off by saying we're racist?" Also, "DAMN THAT BLASTED WOMAN!" Can't leave out, "Who around here rents out sheep for a night?" And, "it's a conspiracy started by Bammer."

Here are my thoughts: Aubarn ain't a racist school. We is just a down home, friendly farming community that respects all colors, races, religions, sexual orientations, and bestiality. The only thing we don't like are bammerz, and you don't find too many of their kind 'round here. When we do see a bammer, all we do is shout harsh obscenities toward them, provide them with a little profane gestures, and maybe throw an empty beer bottle or two at them. Nothing too overly hostile. One time, my cousin/brother Bill-Cream threw an unopened Natty Light bottle at a bammer passing through at last year's Iron Bowl, which was played here in Opelika. Needless to say we booted him out of town for that. THAT'S DAMN ALCOHOL ABUSE! 

In closing, we barnies have officially disowned Charles Barkley from our dysfunctional Aubarn family. 

Charles, YOU CAN KISS MY NON-RACIST BARNIE SUPPORTING BOOTY AND EVEN IF I WAS QUALIFIED TO VOTE (but I ain't due to the fact that there ain't no place to register around here) I WOULD VOTE FOR A BAMMER BEFORE I VOTED FOR YOU... Wait, what did I just say? Just kidding, I'd never vote for a Bammer. I'd vote for the anti-Christ before I voted for a Bammer, even if he was the inevitable solution to our society's ongoing problems.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

   

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Pat Dye Endorses Chizik Hire

How do I know? Just have a gander at the look on his face. He's just as focused as Coach Cheez-it is. The look on his face is just enough to tell us that we have the right man for the job. I'm so excited for the future! It's brighter than the flames from that barn that burnt down here a few years ago during the LSWho game! WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

GENE CHIZIK HIRED!!! GREATEST HIRE EVUR!!!11




When I first heard that Gene Chizik was officially announced as a candidate for the Polytechnic Institute job, the first thing that struck my mind was: a national championship.




Coach Mack Brown thanks Coach Cheez-it for winning
the 2005 BCS Championship for the Longhorns.

Saturday December 13th 2008 was the day that Barnies, such as myself, will NEVER EVER forget. It was the beginning of a new chapter in the historical novel that is Aubarn football.


When coach Cheez-it stepped off of that plane, you could feel a sense of "change" in the air. I'm not referring to the "change" President-elect Obama is proposing, I'm talking a change of which impacted the entire Opelika community... a change of attitude; winning; success; character; and all around greatness.

*A look at Coach Cheez-it's past accomplishments and predictions of future accomplishments*
Coach Cheez has a plan -- a plan to restore the order in Polytechnic Institute football.

2004: He led us (Opelika) to our first ever Opelika Farmer's Market National Championship. We were undefeated AND we also beat Bammer that year AND he beat Nick Satan, who was at LSU, but it still counts.

2005: He led the Texas Longhorns to a BCS National Championship and defeated the greatest team, second to us, the USC Trojans.

I feel a sense of change in the air around Opelika -- and it ain't the fresh smell of cow manure wafting throughout the loveliest village on the plains either. It's championships -- something only HE could deliver, which Tuberneck never could do. Here's my predictions:

2009: He'll lose an overtime game against LSU by 1 point (but only because them darn refs will screw us again). But he'll rebound by winning every other game, including Bammer and Satan.

2010: He'll go undefeated, beating Bammer and Satan for two in a row, and will win the national championship.

2011: See 2010, only make that three in a row over Bammer and a remarkable winning record over that overrated piece of cow manure, Nick Satan.

I have a feeling we'll continue to repeat the 2010 and 2011 years from then on out. Plus, unlike Satan, Coach Cheez-wiz is man of his word. To prove it, he took a step down from Iowa State, just to take over the Polytechnic job. Why would he leave us, especially when he'll be so successful here?

Coach Chizik rides in like the midnight rider, and tagging alongside of the legend in the making is his new pet cow, donated to him by The Polytechnic Institute and the citizens of Opelika.


War Dadgum Eagle to all Hey!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Paying Homage to Tommy Tuberneck aka THE Greatest Coach EVER!

It's official dysfunctional Barnie family, Thomas Hawley Tuberneck has been shitcanned out of Opelika.


His last words to his wife, before leaving was, "Chain the tires to the roof, hitch the ball to the trailer 'cause our butts are OUT of this cow-town!"

Ladies and gentlemen of the Barnie jury, today is a sad very sad day in Aubarn history.

In honor of our greatest coach ever, I'm going to pay homage to the coach who delivered us six straight national championships from 02-07.



Coach Tuberneck holds up five fingers signifying his third straight national championship victory over Alabammer.

In the winter of 1954, Mr. and Mrs. Tuberneck senior had a little happy time in the back of their old Ford pickup truck, nine months later they conceived a child by the name Thomas Hawley Tuberneck. After growing up in an uncivilized small town community in the middle of Nowhere, Arkansas, not having much of nothing (which is why I think Aubarn feels like home to him), he decided he wanted to be a head coach when he grew up.

Young Coach Tuberneck always knew when to take opposing offenses to the woodshed.

In 1997, he took his first head coaching job at The University of Mississippi, or colloquially known as Ole Miss. Under Tuberneck, in five years, Tuberneck led the Ole Miss to a 25-20 record, and an even more impressive 12-20 SEC record, which is lightyears away from what them there Rebels are accustomed to.

Tuberneck at Ole Miss (before the gray hair appeared). Boy, little Tubby sure was as cute as a button back then!

In late 1998, Aubarn polytech was struggling and luckily for us, Tuberneck agreed to step down from Ole Miss to take over the struggling Polytechnic Institute, succeeding Tator Tot Bowden. In 1998, we successfully hired the head coach of the only SEC team we managed to beat that year, which of course, was Tommy Tuberneck--and we brought him here in one of YellaMan's very own, pressure treated pine(wood)box.

Tuberneck's PineBox provided by YellaWood pressure treated pinewood company.


Tuberneck gets his "ducks in a row" by arranging his first annual Tuberneck Duck Hunting Memorial Hunt at Aufarm in 1998.

In his first year at Aubarn Tech, he overachieved leading the struggling Opelika Cowgirls to a remarkable and unforgettable 5-6 record. What was even better was knowing Tuberneck had a little trouble competing with the bammers' self proclaimed "fatherly institute." But good news was starting to peak: Alabammer was playing Russian Roulette with the NCAA, and the NCAA took them Bammerz DOWN!

The sheep, fanz, playerz, administration, students, and Wire Road inhabitants all rejoiced over Tuberneck's sheer awesomeness!

This meant, Tuberneck could do all the duck hunting he wanted in the offseason, and still beat Alabammer in recruiting!

So, Alabammer was slammed with perhaps the worst NCAA sanctions known to mankind (thanks to Tuberneck's rare coaching skills) and Tuberneck's skills also forced them to go through five different coaches.

Despite his true greatness, he took it easy on the NCAA and coaching beleaguered Alabammer team, only owning them six times in a row.

Nostradamus Tuberneck, the true American hero that he is, displays how many losses we'd have in the '08 campaign.

Even fellow Barnies showed up to the Alabammer/Clemson (who we also beat) game (cause it was more important) to support Tuberneck's/Nostradamus' preseason predictions.

But all good things must come to an end. In the preseason of 2008, Tuberneck, the modern day nostradamus that he is, knew we'd lose seven games. He even displayed it on hand (literally) in the preseason, and even before our final game of the year, which was against Alabammer for the National Championship.

Age (not the return of Alabammer) got the best of Ole' Tuberneck.

That sure is an ugly crimson-colored scoreboard!

Unfortunately, due to his age AND NOT BECAUSE ALABAMMER IS BACK, he lost seven games, which was the most he'd lost since before Alabama's program fell apart his first year at The Polytechnic Institute.

After Alabammer cheated to beat him 36-0, due to age (and not the fact that he couldn't compete with the machine across the state), Tuberneck felt it was best to step down. And because our Aufarm Board of Trustees are so genuinely kind, they handed him his hush moneybuyout because they felt "it was the right thing to do."

The osmose yella wood fella hands Tuberneck his hush money buyout because "it was the right thing to do."

Now, we're without a coach, but never fear Aubarn faithful, we've had a history of hiring proven cheaterswinners such as Shrug, Dye, Tator, Brother Bill, and Tuberneck. I'm quite certain... no, POSITIVE, our next hire will be an even better hire than Tuberneck was.

Tuberneck holding all the BCS National Championships he won in his career as a head coach.

*Tuberneck over the years*

7-7 all-time versus Alabammer, but he won six straightnot during a time of which they underwent NCAA sanctions and the changing of a head coach every 2-3 years.

35-33 overall record and 16-32 record in SEC play OUTSIDE OF Alabammer's worst years85-40 in ten years as Polytechnic head coach.

1 SEC title in 14 years, which is good considering this is the toughest conference in the universe, and that Nick Saban had to cheat to win two SEC titles in five years at LSWho?.

2004 OPELIKA FARMER'S MARKET NATIONAL CHAMPIONS where Tuberneck didn't cheat to defeat LSU by 1 point, didn't allow his players to cheat in Sociology class so that they could remain eligible to play football, didn't struggle with an injury-plagued Alabama team, and didn't win a nailbiter over Virginia Tech in the Sugar bowl by 3 points.

Tuberneck was also featured on the cover of one of the most prestigious magazines in all of the universe, which was a direct shot at Nick Saban after he was featured on the cover of some irrelevant second-rate magazine in the preseason of Tuberneck's last year.
Tuberneck featured on the cover of Second Fiddle Magazine, courtesy of gump4heisman.

And Six* straight National Championship wins over Alabammer.

You think Master Chef Tuberneck is retiring? Think again...


Tuberneck gets to work at his new job at the War eagle Supper Club.

Tuberneck recently started his new job as a cook at the Supper Club here in Opelika. He has previous experience in fish frying and his resume was so overly overwhelming, the Supper Club hired him immediately.

We, here at the AUbarnie Blog wish him the absolute best of luck in the culinary industry.

WE'LL MISS YOU COACH, TUBERNECK!



Thursday, October 23, 2008

"I"(ncomprehensible)-Man Speaks out on Otis' Dismissal

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka the only undefeated Finebaum caller.


HERE I AM, LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY I MAN PEEPS!

FIRST OF ALL, LET ME SAY IT DON'T MATTER WHETHER OTIS IS HERE OR NOT, CAUSE WE AINT GONNA NEED HIM WHEN WE PLAY BAMMER ROUND THANKSGIVIN'. WITH OUR WITHOUT OTIS, WE'RE STILL GONE BEAT BAMMER AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

BARNIES EVERYWHERE, RAISE THOSE HANDS AND SPREAD THOSE SEVEN FINGERS OUT CAUSE IT'S COMING! WAR EAGLE!

AUbarnie Blog BACK IN BUSINESS...





By Dale
The title says it all! The Aubarnie Blogspot is back in business, and as an avid AlabamaOpelika Polytechnic Institute fan and proud student (I've been here three years and I in two more months I should have my freshman term complete), I promise to deliver the latest (and greatest) news breaking from the ugliest little trailer park on the plains.






Stay tuned as I can assure you that you most certainly WILL NOT be disappointed.
Until the next story breaks, here's a video to pump you up, just in time for the weekend! 

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY! I BELIEVE IN OPELIKA AND LOVE IT!