Top Five Reasons Aubarn (AL) is BACK in 2009...

1) Coach Gene Cheez-it.
Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. A man who single-handedly won 2 BCS Championships and won three consecutive Iron Bowl National Championships... not as a head coach, but AS A FREAKIN' DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR!!! A man who succeeded another man who led his program (Iowa State) to five bowl games from 2000-2005. A man who was humbly defeated by national powerhouses such as Kent State, Northern Iowa, UNLV, and Toledo and still lived to coach another down. A man who wasn't afraid to criticize the current establishment when he was forced to leave the lovely Aubarn (AL). A man who is now Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. The first reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009!

2) Quarterback Chris Todd... the new and improved version.
Aubarn (AL)'s current starting quarterback. A man of confidence. A true team player. A leader. A man who knows how to lead his team to victory. A man with two SEC victories as a QB on his resume. A man who obliterated fellow conference powerhouse Mississippi State scoring a jaw-dropping 3 points. A man who shellacked Louisiana-Monroe--a team that defeated Alabammer, our Iron Bowl National Championship opponent. A man who posted an impressive -63 yards rushing in 2008. A man who wasn't pansy enough to play with a hurt shoulder in 2008. The second reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009.

3) Coach Otis Franklin Arthur Gustav Malzahn III.
Aubarn (AL)'s current offensive coordinator/spread guru. The sequel! Much like Coach Cheez-it, a man who single-handedly led Arkansas and Tulsa to conference championship games. A man who was able to score TWICE against a prime powerhouses such as USC AND WISCONSIN. A messiah whose promise is to live up to Coach Otis Franklin's broken expectations. A man who knows the spread the way I know how to wipe my ass (in fact his book made for some damn good toilet paper). A man of offensive wisdom. A man who'll be coaching both Kodi Burns and Chris Todd in the SAME OFFENSE SIMULTANEOUSLY! The third reason why Aubarn (AL) wins it all in 2009!

4) Bammer's Probation.
Aubarn (AL)'s big brother. Not to sound obsessed, because I'm not (in fact I don't care about Bammer at all as they're by no means a threat to Aubarn (AL) anymore), but they're back on probation once again. Last time they were put on probation, it benefited Aubarn (AL) immensely. And with an even better coaching staff and talent on hand, their current downfall will benefit us times two compared to the last! The third reason Aubarn (AL) wins this m'fer in 2009!

5) Jay Jacobs.
STILL Aubarn (AL)'s athletic director. A man who's not afraid to fire one coach and swing for the fences for the next. A man who pin-pointed out Coach Cheez-it and convinced him that it would be wise to coach at Aubarn (AL). A man who's not afraid to laugh at UCLA's challenge and piss on it by replacing them with Division 9-A high-school powerhouses such as Furman, Tennessee-Chattanooga, and Arkansas State. A man who is more intelligent than Bammer's Mal Moore. A man who has Bobby Lowder and Jimmy Bob Ranes by the strings. The fifth and final reason Aubarn (AL) shall control the college football universe in 2009.


Combine the five together and you have a recipe for championship.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Otis Franklin Hired at Middle Tennersee

Award winning novelist, Otis Franklin cleans out his office in Opelika.

It's official: Otis Franklin is now the offensive coordinator of Middle Tennersee (why do us Barnies have a hard time pronouncing state names and the word "tomater") aka one of the many teams we destroyed during the 2008 campaign.

Otis, known for his articulate writing skills and phenomenal offensive coaching ability, defeated Louisiana-Monroe (HA HA ALABAMMER WE BEAT THEM AND Y'ALL DIDN'T), Southern Miss, Tennersee, along with a breathtaking victory over western division powerhouse: Mississippi (said that one right) State!

Personally, I think Otis is one of the greatest offensive coordinators EVER, even better than fatty Al and Arthur Gustav Malzahn III. Too bad he's not with us anymore; however, it's comforting to know we have Eugene Cheez-it heading our program, so we'll be just fine!

WAR DAMN SPREAD EAGLE!

Arthur Gustav Malzahn III...

Beware, or else you may be the third member of the three stooges... 

Otis Franklin vs. Arthur Gustav Malzahn III

VS.

-Otis has brown hair (with gray sideburns) - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III has brown hair (with gray sideburns).

-Otis was a successful offensive coordinator at Kentucky and Troy State - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III was a successful offensive coordinator at Arkansas and Tulsa.

-Otils led the SEC in passing (at Kentucky) - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III led the SEC in rushing (at Arkansas)

-Otis produced: "The Tony Franklin System Seminar" - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III produced: "Hurry Up No Huddle - An Offensive Philosophy"

-Otis is renowned for his world-famous 'no huddle offensive philosophy' - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III is renowned for his world-famous 'no huddle offensive philosophy'

-Otis stirred up a few rounds of controversy at Kentucky - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III stirred up a few rounds of controversy at Arkansas

-Otis was a coach at The AlabamaOpelika Polytechnic Institute - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III IS a coach at The AlabamaOpelika Polytechnic Institute

-Otis coached under Tommy Tuberneck - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III coached against Tommy Tuberneck

-Otis rented out a luxurious two-bedroom double-wide on Wire Road (and was evicted immediately after his firing) - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III now resided in the luxurious two-bedroom double-wide Otis once resided in

-Otis' coaching career originated in the high school ranks - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III's coaching career originated in the high school ranks

-Otis takes Viagra - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III takes Enzyte

-Otis' offensive system is considered "basketball on grass" - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III's offensive system is considered to be "kamikaze on grass"

-Otis' career met its untimely demise in Opelika - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III's offensive credibility met its untimely demise the day he agreed to work for Gene Cheezit

-Otis originated the "I can't believe it's not working" formation - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III originated the Houston Nutt formation

-Otis has a killer name - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III has a killer name


...You tell us who deserves the greatest of all-time Polytechnic Institute Coordinator Award...

Is it Otis?


Or is it Arthur Gustav Malzahn III?

The construction of a dynasty continues: Arthur Gustav Malzahn III is now officially an Aubarn Man™

Arthur Gustav Malzahn III, a true/new Aubarn Man™, to resume Otis' offensive coordinating duties.

When Gene Cheezit was hired a few weeks back, in the introductory paragraph of my "Gene Cheezit to Aufarm blog" I said (verbatim), "When I first heard that Gene Chizik was officially announced as a candidate for the Polytechnic Institute job, the first thing that struck my mind was: a national championship."

Now, the inevitable 2009 national championship is seeming more and more... inevitable by the day! Why not go ahead and award us the title now? Hell, the Opelika Farmer's Market is in the works of doing so (which will be the SECOND Opelika Farmer's Market National Championship we've won THIS DECADE--haha bammers).

Anyway, the hiring of this offensive guru is sheer genius--even more so than when Tubby persuaded Otis into stepping down (from Troy State) and resuming Fatty Al's offensive coordinating duties.

Basing this assumption on this hire, I'd already say Gene Cheezit has "overachieved" and he's only been here a mere two weeks! Nick Satan listen up: there's a new sheriff in town and his name is Gene Cheezit and he's already showing you up, cuz!

Now, I may not be able to correctly pronounce his name, but neither can I pronounce the numeric category his offensive stats fell under in his previous years... Folks, that's something positive to see.

With all that being said, I, for one, count my blessings every day; I'm thankful to be one of the fortunate Americans to live in the best single-wide Wire Road has to offer. I'm also thankful for not being an Alabammer fan. I'm also thankful to be a proud native of the lovely Opelika city in the lovely county of Lee. I'm also thankful to be an Aubarn Man™. I'm thankful to be apart of the best family in the whole wide world. And I'm more than happy to welcome Arthur Gustav Malzahn III to our Aubarn family as well!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

more on Arthur Gustav Malzahn III to come shortly...

A Christmas Poem

Looks to me like all he's missing is an I-Man Clause hat and a woodshed in the background!

Tis the night before Christmas,
And all is at rest,
For after a decade of stumbling,
Bama’s finally the best,

Best in blocking and tackling,
In recruiting and class,
Best in running the ball down your throat,
Then killing you with the play action pass

We’ve got the best coach,
The consensus has spoken,
For he’s taken every award,
Our opponents’ wills he has broken,

From the lectern he promised,
We would dominate,
Now almost two years later,
Auburn has fallen prostrate,

First Bowden got fired,
Then Fat Phillip fell,
Then Sylvester…then Tubby…
All that’s left is the history to tell,

And thirty-six to nothing,
The champs beat the dumb,
But this game simply was a foreshadowing,
Of the next nine to come,

Saban caused Auburn to panic,
Not once, but yes, twice,
With an OC’s hiring and firing,
They rolled the dice,

And then they fired Tubby,
Citing he seemed to lack,
And then hired Gene Chizik…Gene Chizik!
DOUG BARFIELD IS BACK!

Our rivals, they hate us,
And cheered when we lost,
The Gators played perfect,
Tim Tebow was boss

But this was only the beginning,
As our talent continues to rise,
2008 will be remembered,
As the season of surprise

When a team filled with character,
Bought into a plan,
And played unified,
Behind one incredible man,

A foundation was laid,
As the scoffers fell away,
And Alabama climbed back to the top,
Each football Saturday

And stompings and beatdowns,
Though fun to take in,
Will lead to the big prize,
Championships we will win

So as we approach Christmas,
It’s really about Christ,
And the birth of a Savior,
Offering forgiveness and paradise,

But after this and my family,
The best gift I’ll unwrap,
Is the realization that Bama is a force again,
And Auburn isn’t worth a crap.

Credit this worthwhile read to intheknow72 at CapstoneReport.com

"I"(ncomprehensible)-Man Speaks out on Otis' Dismissal

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka the only undefeated Finebaum caller.

HERE I AM, LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY I MAN PEEPS!

FIRST OF ALL, LET ME SAY IT DON'T MATTER WHETHER OTIS IS HERE OR NOT, CAUSE WE AINT GONNA NEED HIM WHEN WE PLAY BAMMER ROUND THANKSGIVIN'. WITH OUR WITHOUT OTIS, WE'RE STILL GONE BEAT BAMMER AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

BARNIES EVERYWHERE, RAISE THOSE HANDS AND SPREAD THOSE SEVEN FINGERS OUT CAUSE IT'S COMING! WAR EAGLE!