A-Day Revyou: AUBARN (AL) WINS!!!!

AUtards bring their footballs, programs, and laptops in hopes of having Cameron "Walks on Water" Newton autograph them.

Word on the street is autographed Cam Newton laptops are a real steal these day...

The Messiah aka Cam Newton made his Aubarn (AL) playing debut last Saturday at A-Day, living up to the hype and setting a new standard for SEC quarterbacks by overwhelmingly going 3 for 8 on Saturday!

The red carpet was rolled out for Cameron, by his reliable slaves, Coach Gene Cheez-it and Coach Arthur, as he snuck onto the field like a thief in the night, lighting the field up with his super powerful laptop snatching arm, and then returned to his kingdom (the world's first ever quadruple wide on Wire Road), where his driveway is actually paved... IN CEMENT and he has a screened in porch!

After putting on a quarterback clinic by brilliantly piling up the passing attempt numbers, Cam "Jesus" Newton's sheer awesomeness left Coach Cheez-it and Arthur so stunned, it literally sent them into a state of catatonia... which would explain why the clock never stopped running in the second half.

Aubarn (AL) fans came from all over Lee County and Wire Road, SELLING OUT THE LOWER BOWL LEVEL to get a live-action glimpse of the savior himself (and fortunately enough were not advised to park at the hay fields this year).

"My eyes... My eyes... the greatness radiating from every pore in our Master's body has blinded me!" Yeller Feller said.

A fellow resident of Wire Road had this to say: "He's my hero, my rock, and my inspiration. Me and my sheep slash lover, Cootus jumped in the pick-up and drove 25 miles to Columbus, GA just so we could steal us one of them wap-tops. Seeing a wap-top in person was a sight to behold, but seeing savior Cameron is just unexplainable... I brought mine with me cause me wants my new lord to sign it," Richie Dong said.

Sadly enough, Aubarn (AL) fans will have to wait until the Fall before they can see the Messiah perform again, but we're all a patient bunch... after all, we're still waiting on our 1 1/2 national championship and have been patiently waiting since 1957!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

IT'S OFFICIAL: Ziemba's Coming Back!

Lee Ziemba helps block for T. Zachery on his touchdown drive in last season's Iron Bowl National Championship game.

Great news broke out of Wire Road just a few days ago as Lee Ziemba admitted to turning down the NFL in order to give one last go at playing football for Aubarn (AL) University. Sources have confirmed that the trio of Lowder, Dye, and Yeller Feller were not of any influence behind his decision.

Ziemba told reporters: "Uh, the NFL was secretly impressed with my record breaking (false start) numbers and really pretty much, uh, begged me to skip out on my senior season, and, uh, also told me I would be the for sure number 1 draft lock, but, uh, you see, I, uh, really love Lee County and the family atmosphere provided here on Wire Road, so, uh, I just wanted to come back and the NFL said if I didn't enter the draft this year, the probability of me not being eligible for next year's draft was, uh, 99.9% certain. But, uh, I just love everything about Lee County: the cow pastures, trailer parks, and rodeos and I want to spend as much time here as I can. So if anything, I may still be able to sign as a free agent, but I'd rather do that as long as I get to spend one more magical year here in the wonderful county of Lee."

Coach Cheez-it said he, Arthur, and Lee have been working overtime at bringing up those false starts, especially on third downs and they hope he'll be an unstoppable false starting machine when kickoff rolls around.

Turning down millions of dollars and being the number 1 draft pick, just so you can spend one last year in the great Lee County truly makes Lee Ziemba a certified Aubarn (AL) Man!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY AND WAR DAMN ZIEMBA HEY!!!

Who will be Jeff Lebo's replacement?

Jeff Lebo's reaction to discovering he'll no longer lead the Aubarn (AL) basketball program as head coach.

Some are saying it's Tubby Smith, but the Lee County KKK Chapter in Aubarn (AL) are saying otherwise.

Others are saying it will be Bobby Knight, but sources (Incomprehensible-Man and Bobby from Homewood) are saying it's Nick Saban, because he has exceeded his time limit at The University of Alabammer and he's aching to get out of Tuscalooser, Alabammer.

Whoever it maybe, I know AD Jay Jacobs will make the right decision based on X's and O's and not their overall head coaching record (just see Coach Gene Cheez-it Arthur Gustav Malzahn III, who led Aubarn (AL) to an eight win season, and AUlmost won the Iron Bowl National Championship!!).

My fellow Barnies, understand that there should not be even the slightest shadow of a doubt when it comes to trusting Jay Jacobs! That's the AUbarnie word of the day!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!!

The Aubarn (AL) Recruiting Method...

So exactly how does a three year head coach with an overall losing record, an offensive coordinator not even five years out of high school, and a legendary defensive mastermind defensive coordinator out-recruit the SEC coaching veterans and suddenly change the minds (and commitments) of cross-state rival commits such as Spencer Region and Craig Sanders? It's simple: The Pat Dye/Slug Jordan method...

See Aubarn (AL) commit, Corey Lemonier's photos below:

guns...

more guns...

...and a brand new Corvette of which he received immediately after signing to play football with (and I quote Corey himself) "The University of Aubarn."

COUGH COUGH Just give 'em COUGH COUGH what they want! COUGH COUGH!
-Pat Dye

The future is bright! WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

BARNIE(S) OF THE WEEK!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen of Aubarn (AL) I proudly present to you...

THE SPELLING NATIONAL CHAMPIONS (and proud Aubarn (AL) Alumni)...

Much like AGM, Mosley, and Dyer, these guys truly are unstoppable...

I wonder if they'll volunteer to be our poster kids for what an Aubarn (AL) degree -- with little or no work required -- can do for you!

RUNNER UP:

The original champs would be proud...

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!!

Top Five Reasons Aubarn (AL) is BACK in 2009...

1) Coach Gene Cheez-it.
Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. A man who single-handedly won 2 BCS Championships and won three consecutive Iron Bowl National Championships... not as a head coach, but AS A FREAKIN' DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR!!! A man who succeeded another man who led his program (Iowa State) to five bowl games from 2000-2005. A man who was humbly defeated by national powerhouses such as Kent State, Northern Iowa, UNLV, and Toledo and still lived to coach another down. A man who wasn't afraid to criticize the current establishment when he was forced to leave the lovely Aubarn (AL). A man who is now Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. The first reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009!

2) Quarterback Chris Todd... the new and improved version.
Aubarn (AL)'s current starting quarterback. A man of confidence. A true team player. A leader. A man who knows how to lead his team to victory. A man with two SEC victories as a QB on his resume. A man who obliterated fellow conference powerhouse Mississippi State scoring a jaw-dropping 3 points. A man who shellacked Louisiana-Monroe--a team that defeated Alabammer, our Iron Bowl National Championship opponent. A man who posted an impressive -63 yards rushing in 2008. A man who wasn't pansy enough to play with a hurt shoulder in 2008. The second reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009.

3) Coach Otis Franklin Arthur Gustav Malzahn III.
Aubarn (AL)'s current offensive coordinator/spread guru. The sequel! Much like Coach Cheez-it, a man who single-handedly led Arkansas and Tulsa to conference championship games. A man who was able to score TWICE against a prime powerhouses such as USC AND WISCONSIN. A messiah whose promise is to live up to Coach Otis Franklin's broken expectations. A man who knows the spread the way I know how to wipe my ass (in fact his book made for some damn good toilet paper). A man of offensive wisdom. A man who'll be coaching both Kodi Burns and Chris Todd in the SAME OFFENSE SIMULTANEOUSLY! The third reason why Aubarn (AL) wins it all in 2009!

4) Bammer's Probation.
Aubarn (AL)'s big brother. Not to sound obsessed, because I'm not (in fact I don't care about Bammer at all as they're by no means a threat to Aubarn (AL) anymore), but they're back on probation once again. Last time they were put on probation, it benefited Aubarn (AL) immensely. And with an even better coaching staff and talent on hand, their current downfall will benefit us times two compared to the last! The third reason Aubarn (AL) wins this m'fer in 2009!

5) Jay Jacobs.
STILL Aubarn (AL)'s athletic director. A man who's not afraid to fire one coach and swing for the fences for the next. A man who pin-pointed out Coach Cheez-it and convinced him that it would be wise to coach at Aubarn (AL). A man who's not afraid to laugh at UCLA's challenge and piss on it by replacing them with Division 9-A high-school powerhouses such as Furman, Tennessee-Chattanooga, and Arkansas State. A man who is more intelligent than Bammer's Mal Moore. A man who has Bobby Lowder and Jimmy Bob Ranes by the strings. The fifth and final reason Aubarn (AL) shall control the college football universe in 2009.


Combine the five together and you have a recipe for championship.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Aubarn (AL)'s New Recruiting Gimmick...

The finest coaches of Lee County are bringing sexy back to Opelika...

They call this state-of-the-art mechanism "The Tiger Prowl III".


Rumor has it the old 1975 flat bed is in the shop and until then, we've got this bad boy to do our dirty recruiting services for us.

*TIGER PROWL 1 (R.I.P.)*
(before)
(after)

Looks like this Barnie got a little too carried away while demonstrating a magic trick consisting of 80-proof and a cigarette.

*TIGER PROWL II*

Look at how far we've progressed immensely in terms of modernization under Coach Cheez-it!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Aubarn (AL)'s A-Day Scoring System

A-Day points goes as follows:

TOUCHDOWN: Six Points

FIELD GOAL: Three Points

BARELY MISS THE FIELD GOAL: Two Points

ALMOST SCORE A TOUCHDOWN: Three Points

KODI BURNS COMPLETES A PASS: Four Points

KODI BURNS ALMOST COMPLETES A PASS: Two Points

DROPPED PASS (AS LONG AS IT TOUCHES THE HANDS): Three Points

RIGHT PLAY CALLED BY COACH CHEEZ-IT OR ARTHUR GUSTAV MALZAHN III: Ten Points

ALMOST CALL THE RIGHT PLAY: Five Points

FOUR STAR RECRUIT VISITS THE CAMPUS: Twenty-Five Points

WHEN FOUR STAR RECRUIT COMMITS ELSEWHERE: Fifteen Points For At Least Showing Interest

FIVE STAR RECRUIT VISITS THE CAMPUS: Automatic Iron Bowl National Championship Victory

*SCHEDULING BONUS*: OPEN IN ATL WITH AGAINST A PRIME-TIME OPPONENT: Fifty Points

BUY-OUT PRIME-TIME OPPONENT AND REPLACE THEM WITH THE CITADEL OR ARKANSAS STATE: One-Hundred Points.

Otis Franklin Hired at Middle Tennersee

Award winning novelist, Otis Franklin cleans out his office in Opelika.

It's official: Otis Franklin is now the offensive coordinator of Middle Tennersee (why do us Barnies have a hard time pronouncing state names and the word "tomater") aka one of the many teams we destroyed during the 2008 campaign.

Otis, known for his articulate writing skills and phenomenal offensive coaching ability, defeated Louisiana-Monroe (HA HA ALABAMMER WE BEAT THEM AND Y'ALL DIDN'T), Southern Miss, Tennersee, along with a breathtaking victory over western division powerhouse: Mississippi (said that one right) State!

Personally, I think Otis is one of the greatest offensive coordinators EVER, even better than fatty Al and Arthur Gustav Malzahn III. Too bad he's not with us anymore; however, it's comforting to know we have Eugene Cheez-it heading our program, so we'll be just fine!

WAR DAMN SPREAD EAGLE!

PREDICTIONS: 2008

This quote was taken from an ESPN page, written by a man called Mark Schlabach. 

"17. Auburn will name Gus Malzahn its coach-in-waiting
After the Tigers lose their first three games against Louisiana Tech, Mississippi State and West Virginia, Auburn will name offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn its coach-in-waiting to succeed recently hired Gene Chizik. USC quarterback Mitch Mustain, who played for Malzahn in high school and briefly at Arkansas, will transfer to Auburn."

Photo courtesy of Church of Saban

Okay, so it's obvious ole' Mark Schlabach is Bammer biased, just like the rest of the liberal media is.  

What is he seeing that we Barnies aren't? He must be as blind as the possum Granny Joan fried up last night for us.

This is just another reason for me to hate all the media, outside of The Opelika-Aubarn News. They're the most credible and unbiased news source, second to the AUbarnie Blogger of course. I want some of what he's smoking, because I sure as hell know it ain't that good stuff that ole' Coach Dye is growing down on his end of the farm. What's he gonna tell us next, Paul Finebaum is his bammer bed buddy? Or better yet, Paul Finebaum is a barnie? LOLOLOLOLOLOL! RIDICULOUS!

I'll be sure to send this moron, Mark Schlabach a friendly email immediately after we win the Iron Bowl National Championship and the BCS Championship next year... it's coming!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Source

Arthur Gustav Malzahn III...

Beware, or else you may be the third member of the three stooges... 

I(ncomprehensible)-Man speaks out on the hiring of Arthur Gustav Malzahn III

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka the only undefeated Finebaum caller.

HERE... I... AM! LIIIIIIIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY: I-MAN, MY FELLOW NACHO LIBRES!

NOW FIRST THING'S FIRST: BAMMER IS CHEATING................................. AGAIN!

LOW AND BEHOLD THE MOST OVERRATED COACH ON THE PLANET DONE SUSPENDED ANDRE SMITH FOR VIOLATING TEAM RULES. NOW, ACCORDING TO MY NUMBER 1 NCAA SOURCE, BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD, ALABAMMER, THAT'S GROUNDS FOR PUNISHMENT BY THE NATIONAL COLLEGIATE ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION.

HE SAYS, "BECAUSE OF THAT, SATAN SABAN WILL BOLT TO NOTRE DAME AND THE ALABAMMER FOOTBALL PROGRAM WILL BE SHUT DOWN ALL TOGETHER." THAT MEANS, NO MORE BAMMAR FOOTBALL. THAT ALSO MEANS THIS STATE WILL NO LONGER HAVE A GARBAGE OF A FOOTBALL TEAM IN IT.

ANYWAY, THE END OF BAMMAR FOOTBALL IS NEAR. I JUST HOPE THEY LAST ONE MORE YEAR SO SHIZNIT AND MALLARYZHONE CAN PUT THE FINAL NAIL IN THEIR COFFIN.

I-MAN OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

Otis Franklin vs. Arthur Gustav Malzahn III

VS.

-Otis has brown hair (with gray sideburns) - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III has brown hair (with gray sideburns).

-Otis was a successful offensive coordinator at Kentucky and Troy State - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III was a successful offensive coordinator at Arkansas and Tulsa.

-Otils led the SEC in passing (at Kentucky) - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III led the SEC in rushing (at Arkansas)

-Otis produced: "The Tony Franklin System Seminar" - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III produced: "Hurry Up No Huddle - An Offensive Philosophy"

-Otis is renowned for his world-famous 'no huddle offensive philosophy' - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III is renowned for his world-famous 'no huddle offensive philosophy'

-Otis stirred up a few rounds of controversy at Kentucky - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III stirred up a few rounds of controversy at Arkansas

-Otis was a coach at The AlabamaOpelika Polytechnic Institute - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III IS a coach at The AlabamaOpelika Polytechnic Institute

-Otis coached under Tommy Tuberneck - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III coached against Tommy Tuberneck

-Otis rented out a luxurious two-bedroom double-wide on Wire Road (and was evicted immediately after his firing) - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III now resided in the luxurious two-bedroom double-wide Otis once resided in

-Otis' coaching career originated in the high school ranks - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III's coaching career originated in the high school ranks

-Otis takes Viagra - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III takes Enzyte

-Otis' offensive system is considered "basketball on grass" - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III's offensive system is considered to be "kamikaze on grass"

-Otis' career met its untimely demise in Opelika - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III's offensive credibility met its untimely demise the day he agreed to work for Gene Cheezit

-Otis originated the "I can't believe it's not working" formation - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III originated the Houston Nutt formation

-Otis has a killer name - Arthur Gustav Malzahn III has a killer name


...You tell us who deserves the greatest of all-time Polytechnic Institute Coordinator Award...

Is it Otis?


Or is it Arthur Gustav Malzahn III?

The construction of a dynasty continues: Arthur Gustav Malzahn III is now officially an Aubarn Man™

Arthur Gustav Malzahn III, a true/new Aubarn Man™, to resume Otis' offensive coordinating duties.

When Gene Cheezit was hired a few weeks back, in the introductory paragraph of my "Gene Cheezit to Aufarm blog" I said (verbatim), "When I first heard that Gene Chizik was officially announced as a candidate for the Polytechnic Institute job, the first thing that struck my mind was: a national championship."

Now, the inevitable 2009 national championship is seeming more and more... inevitable by the day! Why not go ahead and award us the title now? Hell, the Opelika Farmer's Market is in the works of doing so (which will be the SECOND Opelika Farmer's Market National Championship we've won THIS DECADE--haha bammers).

Anyway, the hiring of this offensive guru is sheer genius--even more so than when Tubby persuaded Otis into stepping down (from Troy State) and resuming Fatty Al's offensive coordinating duties.

Basing this assumption on this hire, I'd already say Gene Cheezit has "overachieved" and he's only been here a mere two weeks! Nick Satan listen up: there's a new sheriff in town and his name is Gene Cheezit and he's already showing you up, cuz!

Now, I may not be able to correctly pronounce his name, but neither can I pronounce the numeric category his offensive stats fell under in his previous years... Folks, that's something positive to see.

With all that being said, I, for one, count my blessings every day; I'm thankful to be one of the fortunate Americans to live in the best single-wide Wire Road has to offer. I'm also thankful for not being an Alabammer fan. I'm also thankful to be a proud native of the lovely Opelika city in the lovely county of Lee. I'm also thankful to be an Aubarn Man™. I'm thankful to be apart of the best family in the whole wide world. And I'm more than happy to welcome Arthur Gustav Malzahn III to our Aubarn family as well!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

more on Arthur Gustav Malzahn III to come shortly...