A-Day Revyou: AUBARN (AL) WINS!!!!

AUtards bring their footballs, programs, and laptops in hopes of having Cameron "Walks on Water" Newton autograph them.

Word on the street is autographed Cam Newton laptops are a real steal these day...

The Messiah aka Cam Newton made his Aubarn (AL) playing debut last Saturday at A-Day, living up to the hype and setting a new standard for SEC quarterbacks by overwhelmingly going 3 for 8 on Saturday!

The red carpet was rolled out for Cameron, by his reliable slaves, Coach Gene Cheez-it and Coach Arthur, as he snuck onto the field like a thief in the night, lighting the field up with his super powerful laptop snatching arm, and then returned to his kingdom (the world's first ever quadruple wide on Wire Road), where his driveway is actually paved... IN CEMENT and he has a screened in porch!

After putting on a quarterback clinic by brilliantly piling up the passing attempt numbers, Cam "Jesus" Newton's sheer awesomeness left Coach Cheez-it and Arthur so stunned, it literally sent them into a state of catatonia... which would explain why the clock never stopped running in the second half.

Aubarn (AL) fans came from all over Lee County and Wire Road, SELLING OUT THE LOWER BOWL LEVEL to get a live-action glimpse of the savior himself (and fortunately enough were not advised to park at the hay fields this year).

"My eyes... My eyes... the greatness radiating from every pore in our Master's body has blinded me!" Yeller Feller said.

A fellow resident of Wire Road had this to say: "He's my hero, my rock, and my inspiration. Me and my sheep slash lover, Cootus jumped in the pick-up and drove 25 miles to Columbus, GA just so we could steal us one of them wap-tops. Seeing a wap-top in person was a sight to behold, but seeing savior Cameron is just unexplainable... I brought mine with me cause me wants my new lord to sign it," Richie Dong said.

Sadly enough, Aubarn (AL) fans will have to wait until the Fall before they can see the Messiah perform again, but we're all a patient bunch... after all, we're still waiting on our 1 1/2 national championship and have been patiently waiting since 1957!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

The Aubarn (AL) Recruiting Method...

So exactly how does a three year head coach with an overall losing record, an offensive coordinator not even five years out of high school, and a legendary defensive mastermind defensive coordinator out-recruit the SEC coaching veterans and suddenly change the minds (and commitments) of cross-state rival commits such as Spencer Region and Craig Sanders? It's simple: The Pat Dye/Slug Jordan method...

See Aubarn (AL) commit, Corey Lemonier's photos below:

guns...

more guns...

...and a brand new Corvette of which he received immediately after signing to play football with (and I quote Corey himself) "The University of Aubarn."

COUGH COUGH Just give 'em COUGH COUGH what they want! COUGH COUGH!
-Pat Dye

The future is bright! WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

UT fans compliment Aubarn (AL) despite the fact they hate us so much....

From VolNation (the compliments are in bold)

Dear Auburn,
With your football contest against my alma mater now less than a week away, I feel this is an appropriate time for me to remind you of my feelings for you. I hate you. I hate your backward little cow college. I hate your players, coaches, students, administrators, fans, alumni, janitors, and cafeteria workers. I hate your multiple mascots. I hate you to the point I root for both Alabama and Al Qaeda VAnDERbuilte and Georgier against you. I hate the fact your supporters, with their cow feces caked work boots, will be allowed inside Neyland Stadium next week. I hate you to the point that I have rooted for Texas to defeat you. I hate you so viciously that I don't even root for you against Vanderbilt, I simply hope the ground opens up and swallows both teams and their supporters. I hate you enough to hope you go winless and scoreless every season.

I hope this clears up any ambiguity about my thoughts regarding your institution and its supporters. Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Hatvol96

Backwards little cow college? Multiple mascot? Barnies sporting their cow feces caked work boots? Man, UT may hate us, but they show all the hospitality in the world by complimenting us!

_______________________________________________________________

OTHER NOTABLE QUOTES:
"Why wouldn't I hate a bunch of semiliterate farm trash?"

"Calling them what they are does give me a modicum of joy."

"Alabama fans are Harvard material compared to the mouthbreathers from The Plains."

"A lot of my friends are Auburn fans and they act like AU is the best school on the face of the planet, even though they have never been as good as Tennessee, Alabama, or even Georgia Tech."

"The trolls will be here soon enough. I have already seen them on TD proclaiming they should be ranked, Ut is next to be "chizzed", and throwing out stats to proclaim their "greatness". Other SEC fans are pointing out their schedule thus far, but it seems to fall on deaf ears."

"I don't know is the ears are deaf, but if they're attached to Auburn fans they are most definitely dumb."

"I remember when we played them in B'ham.I remember 1969 when we put the artificial turf in Neyland and Slug Jordan whined like a baby. He also whined until he got Miss State's cowbells banned.I remember the 21-0 shutout in the rain in 1974 an Jordan complaining because we punted on third down."

"Imagine that, Auburn whining about something."

"I understand you are okay with the Auburn Eagles, but how do you feel bout the Auburn Tigers... or Plainsmen, whatever that is supposed to mean."

"The Barn of Stupidity= AU Plains Men,War Eagles and Tigers; I also forgot to add Bobby Lowder U,Thumb Suckers and Beastility Lovers.........oh any more mascots I forgot?"

"I was at the UT-Auburn game at Auburn a few years ago when we almost pulled off that late game comeback. On our way out to the car, an old lady told us that she hoped we crashed and died on the way home. Go to hell, Auburn fans!"

"You seem to be harboring a lot of hatred for the Barn..............I like it!"

"I just lost all faith in you as a judge of character. They are pure and simple human filth. They should erect a giant cage around that cesspool to prevent them from infecting the rest of America with their idiocy."

"its without a doubt that barn fans are much more tolerable than bammers. simply because they havent won anything. even when they go undefeated.if they ever do though itll change very quickly"

"I went to the lovely town of Auburn, Alabama sometime in the late 70s for a game. All I remember thinking was that I had truly come upon the armpit of the South."

"Aren't they the Tigers. I think War Eagle is a battle cry. It is quite confusing."

"Been to every SEC campus multiple times. Auburn is a sewer."

"True, but it's not crawling with Barners. Thus, it's infinitely better than Auburn."

"Very true. Auburn fans are second for me behind Florida and in front of Bama. Their idiotic praise and arrogant defense of a generally worthless program is pretty infuriating. Especially when the last few games against them have been losses."

"Gainsville and Auburn are neck and neck for the worst college football town. I would rather hang out in Starkville. Suprised there hasn't been any mention of their annoying students that wear slacks and ties to every game or their obsession with fecal removing material."

"It is very appropiate that they throw toilet paper as a means of celebration."

"Auburn's whole campus is like UT's AG campus with a lower mean IQ and eight Kuwahee Wastewater Treatment Plants surrounding it."

"Lots of Auburn fans around here (central GA, about 2 hours from there), and I have never seen fans who will turn on their own team as quickly as they do. They are constantly complaining and whining, and tend to pick against their own team in pick-em's at the first sign of weakness."

"Two of the defenses they played are total crap. The other 2 are in the 30's in total defense."

Paying Homage to Tommy Tuberneck aka THE Greatest Coach EVER!

It's official dysfunctional Barnie family, Thomas Hawley Tuberneck has been shitcanned out of Opelika.

His last words to his wife, before leaving was, "Chain the tires to the roof, hitch the ball to the trailer 'cause our butts are OUT of this cow-town!"

Ladies and gentlemen of the Barnie jury, today is a sad very sad day in Aubarn history.

In honor of our greatest coach ever, I'm going to pay homage to the coach who delivered us six straight national championships from 02-07.

Coach Tuberneck holds up five fingers signifying his third straight national championship victory over Alabammer.

In the winter of 1954, Mr. and Mrs. Tuberneck senior had a little happy time in the back of their old Ford pickup truck, nine months later they conceived a child by the name Thomas Hawley Tuberneck. After growing up in an uncivilized small town community in the middle of Nowhere, Arkansas, not having much of nothing (which is why I think Aubarn feels like home to him), he decided he wanted to be a head coach when he grew up.

Young Coach Tuberneck always knew when to take opposing offenses to the woodshed.

In 1997, he took his first head coaching job at The University of Mississippi, or colloquially known as Ole Miss. Under Tuberneck, in five years, Tuberneck led the Ole Miss to a 25-20 record, and an even more impressive 12-20 SEC record, which is lightyears away from what them there Rebels are accustomed to.

Tuberneck at Ole Miss (before the gray hair appeared). Boy, little Tubby sure was as cute as a button back then!

In late 1998, Aubarn polytech was struggling and luckily for us, Tuberneck agreed to step down from Ole Miss to take over the struggling Polytechnic Institute, succeeding Tator Tot Bowden. In 1998, we successfully hired the head coach of the only SEC team we managed to beat that year, which of course, was Tommy Tuberneck--and we brought him here in one of YellaMan's very own, pressure treated pine(wood)box.

Tuberneck's PineBox provided by YellaWood pressure treated pinewood company.

Tuberneck gets his "ducks in a row" by arranging his first annual Tuberneck Duck Hunting Memorial Hunt at Aufarm in 1998.

In his first year at Aubarn Tech, he overachieved leading the struggling Opelika Cowgirls to a remarkable and unforgettable 5-6 record. What was even better was knowing Tuberneck had a little trouble competing with the bammers' self proclaimed "fatherly institute." But good news was starting to peak: Alabammer was playing Russian Roulette with the NCAA, and the NCAA took them Bammerz DOWN!

The sheep, fanz, playerz, administration, students, and Wire Road inhabitants all rejoiced over Tuberneck's sheer awesomeness!

This meant, Tuberneck could do all the duck hunting he wanted in the offseason, and still beat Alabammer in recruiting!

So, Alabammer was slammed with perhaps the worst NCAA sanctions known to mankind (thanks to Tuberneck's rare coaching skills) and Tuberneck's skills also forced them to go through five different coaches.

Despite his true greatness, he took it easy on the NCAA and coaching beleaguered Alabammer team, only owning them six times in a row.

Nostradamus Tuberneck, the true American hero that he is, displays how many losses we'd have in the '08 campaign.

Even fellow Barnies showed up to the Alabammer/Clemson (who we also beat) game (cause it was more important) to support Tuberneck's/Nostradamus' preseason predictions.

But all good things must come to an end. In the preseason of 2008, Tuberneck, the modern day nostradamus that he is, knew we'd lose seven games. He even displayed it on hand (literally) in the preseason, and even before our final game of the year, which was against Alabammer for the National Championship.

Age (not the return of Alabammer) got the best of Ole' Tuberneck.

That sure is an ugly crimson-colored scoreboard!

Unfortunately, due to his age AND NOT BECAUSE ALABAMMER IS BACK, he lost seven games, which was the most he'd lost since before Alabama's program fell apart his first year at The Polytechnic Institute.

After Alabammer cheated to beat him 36-0, due to age (and not the fact that he couldn't compete with the machine across the state), Tuberneck felt it was best to step down. And because our Aufarm Board of Trustees are so genuinely kind, they handed him his hush moneybuyout because they felt "it was the right thing to do."

The osmose yella wood fella hands Tuberneck his hush money buyout because "it was the right thing to do."

Now, we're without a coach, but never fear Aubarn faithful, we've had a history of hiring proven cheaterswinners such as Shrug, Dye, Tator, Brother Bill, and Tuberneck. I'm quite certain... no, POSITIVE, our next hire will be an even better hire than Tuberneck was.

Tuberneck holding all the BCS National Championships he won in his career as a head coach.

*Tuberneck over the years*

7-7 all-time versus Alabammer, but he won six straightnot during a time of which they underwent NCAA sanctions and the changing of a head coach every 2-3 years.

35-33 overall record and 16-32 record in SEC play OUTSIDE OF Alabammer's worst years85-40 in ten years as Polytechnic head coach.

1 SEC title in 14 years, which is good considering this is the toughest conference in the universe, and that Nick Saban had to cheat to win two SEC titles in five years at LSWho?.

2004 OPELIKA FARMER'S MARKET NATIONAL CHAMPIONS where Tuberneck didn't cheat to defeat LSU by 1 point, didn't allow his players to cheat in Sociology class so that they could remain eligible to play football, didn't struggle with an injury-plagued Alabama team, and didn't win a nailbiter over Virginia Tech in the Sugar bowl by 3 points.

Tuberneck was also featured on the cover of one of the most prestigious magazines in all of the universe, which was a direct shot at Nick Saban after he was featured on the cover of some irrelevant second-rate magazine in the preseason of Tuberneck's last year.
Tuberneck featured on the cover of Second Fiddle Magazine, courtesy of gump4heisman.

And Six* straight National Championship wins over Alabammer.

You think Master Chef Tuberneck is retiring? Think again...

Tuberneck gets to work at his new job at the War eagle Supper Club.

Tuberneck recently started his new job as a cook at the Supper Club here in Opelika. He has previous experience in fish frying and his resume was so overly overwhelming, the Supper Club hired him immediately.

We, here at the AUbarnie Blog wish him the absolute best of luck in the culinary industry.

WE'LL MISS YOU COACH, TUBERNECK!