ALL IN: ALL I DO IS CHEAT CHEAT CHEAT CHEAT...

...GOT MONEY ON MY MIND, I CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH... SO JUST KEEP IT DOWN HOME, CUZ!

What is little man's syndrome/Pat "Cough" Dye Gives Barnies a Word of Advice...

Aside from growing 'maters, spittin' tobaccer, and drinking just enough cough syrup to get drunk and lose his pants, what's sir Patrick Fain Dye been up to these days? I'll tell you what the mother fucker's been up to... speaking to Aubarn (AL) fans in Montgomery is what he's doing...

"If they get beat, it will be an upset," Dye told a huge crowd at the Montgomery Quarterback Club's meeting Tuesday night. "But you have to be lucky to go undefeated, I don't care how good you are.

"If they are not at the top of their game and the team they're playing is at the top of their game, that team will have a chance to win. The SEC is just too tough a league."

"This is kind of hard to say as an Auburn man, but Alabama is a fun team to watch," he said. "They play the game the way it ought to be played.

"Alabama's got the right man in there now," Dye said, referring to Tide head coach Nick Saban. "But it took them 20 years. We've got a good coach at Auburn right now, and the fans need to trust him.

...................................

"The big thing is, Auburn needs to worry about what's happening at Auburn and not worry about what's happening across the state. Because we can only control what goes on at Auburn. If we are the best that we can be at Auburn, then that'll take care of Alabama."

So is Pat Dye a hypocrite? And what's the point of Aubarn (AL) football if ya can't AUbsess over The University of Alabammer????

The Aubarn (AL) Recruiting Method... Part Two!!!

Read Part One Here!

Dakota Mosley, seen in the pic below, is sporting those one hundred dolla billz yo, which was donated to him immediately after signing with The University of Aubarn (AL)!

Who on Earth could this proud donor be? Wonder if he owns his very own stealth jet, which got him from Opelika, to Miami, and then to Arkansas?

COUGH COUGH Just give 'em COUGH COUGH what they want! COUGH COUGH!
-Pat Dye

The Aubarn (AL) Recruiting Method...

So exactly how does a three year head coach with an overall losing record, an offensive coordinator not even five years out of high school, and a legendary defensive mastermind defensive coordinator out-recruit the SEC coaching veterans and suddenly change the minds (and commitments) of cross-state rival commits such as Spencer Region and Craig Sanders? It's simple: The Pat Dye/Slug Jordan method...

See Aubarn (AL) commit, Corey Lemonier's photos below:

guns...

more guns...

...and a brand new Corvette of which he received immediately after signing to play football with (and I quote Corey himself) "The University of Aubarn."

COUGH COUGH Just give 'em COUGH COUGH what they want! COUGH COUGH!
-Pat Dye

The future is bright! WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

PREDICTIONS: 2008

This quote was taken from an ESPN page, written by a man called Mark Schlabach. 

"17. Auburn will name Gus Malzahn its coach-in-waiting
After the Tigers lose their first three games against Louisiana Tech, Mississippi State and West Virginia, Auburn will name offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn its coach-in-waiting to succeed recently hired Gene Chizik. USC quarterback Mitch Mustain, who played for Malzahn in high school and briefly at Arkansas, will transfer to Auburn."

Photo courtesy of Church of Saban

Okay, so it's obvious ole' Mark Schlabach is Bammer biased, just like the rest of the liberal media is.  

What is he seeing that we Barnies aren't? He must be as blind as the possum Granny Joan fried up last night for us.

This is just another reason for me to hate all the media, outside of The Opelika-Aubarn News. They're the most credible and unbiased news source, second to the AUbarnie Blogger of course. I want some of what he's smoking, because I sure as hell know it ain't that good stuff that ole' Coach Dye is growing down on his end of the farm. What's he gonna tell us next, Paul Finebaum is his bammer bed buddy? Or better yet, Paul Finebaum is a barnie? LOLOLOLOLOLOL! RIDICULOUS!

I'll be sure to send this moron, Mark Schlabach a friendly email immediately after we win the Iron Bowl National Championship and the BCS Championship next year... it's coming!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Source

Barnie of the week!

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing yet another infamous frequent Finebaum caller...


CHARLES FROM REELTOWN!!!

Charles From Reeltown Threatens Both Charles Barkley/Pat Dye from AUbarnie on Vimeo.

Famously known for his rarely unique skills in the art of "country boy ass whippings", because of that he was awarded with this week's Barnie of the week simply for having the testicular fortitude to threaten to give both Sir "Governator Wannabe" Charles Barkley and Patrick Fain Dye a royal "Country Boy Ass Whipping" (can someone patent that for him ASAP, please?) on the Finebaum Radio Network a few days ago.

Keep doing what you do best Charles from Reeltown! You make your fellow Barnies proud.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Pat Dye Endorses Chizik Hire

How do I know? Just have a gander at the look on his face. He's just as focused as Coach Cheez-it is. The look on his face is just enough to tell us that we have the right man for the job. I'm so excited for the future! It's brighter than the flames from that barn that burnt down here a few years ago during the LSWho game! WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Paying Homage to Tommy Tuberneck aka THE Greatest Coach EVER!

It's official dysfunctional Barnie family, Thomas Hawley Tuberneck has been shitcanned out of Opelika.

His last words to his wife, before leaving was, "Chain the tires to the roof, hitch the ball to the trailer 'cause our butts are OUT of this cow-town!"

Ladies and gentlemen of the Barnie jury, today is a sad very sad day in Aubarn history.

In honor of our greatest coach ever, I'm going to pay homage to the coach who delivered us six straight national championships from 02-07.

Coach Tuberneck holds up five fingers signifying his third straight national championship victory over Alabammer.

In the winter of 1954, Mr. and Mrs. Tuberneck senior had a little happy time in the back of their old Ford pickup truck, nine months later they conceived a child by the name Thomas Hawley Tuberneck. After growing up in an uncivilized small town community in the middle of Nowhere, Arkansas, not having much of nothing (which is why I think Aubarn feels like home to him), he decided he wanted to be a head coach when he grew up.

Young Coach Tuberneck always knew when to take opposing offenses to the woodshed.

In 1997, he took his first head coaching job at The University of Mississippi, or colloquially known as Ole Miss. Under Tuberneck, in five years, Tuberneck led the Ole Miss to a 25-20 record, and an even more impressive 12-20 SEC record, which is lightyears away from what them there Rebels are accustomed to.

Tuberneck at Ole Miss (before the gray hair appeared). Boy, little Tubby sure was as cute as a button back then!

In late 1998, Aubarn polytech was struggling and luckily for us, Tuberneck agreed to step down from Ole Miss to take over the struggling Polytechnic Institute, succeeding Tator Tot Bowden. In 1998, we successfully hired the head coach of the only SEC team we managed to beat that year, which of course, was Tommy Tuberneck--and we brought him here in one of YellaMan's very own, pressure treated pine(wood)box.

Tuberneck's PineBox provided by YellaWood pressure treated pinewood company.

Tuberneck gets his "ducks in a row" by arranging his first annual Tuberneck Duck Hunting Memorial Hunt at Aufarm in 1998.

In his first year at Aubarn Tech, he overachieved leading the struggling Opelika Cowgirls to a remarkable and unforgettable 5-6 record. What was even better was knowing Tuberneck had a little trouble competing with the bammers' self proclaimed "fatherly institute." But good news was starting to peak: Alabammer was playing Russian Roulette with the NCAA, and the NCAA took them Bammerz DOWN!

The sheep, fanz, playerz, administration, students, and Wire Road inhabitants all rejoiced over Tuberneck's sheer awesomeness!

This meant, Tuberneck could do all the duck hunting he wanted in the offseason, and still beat Alabammer in recruiting!

So, Alabammer was slammed with perhaps the worst NCAA sanctions known to mankind (thanks to Tuberneck's rare coaching skills) and Tuberneck's skills also forced them to go through five different coaches.

Despite his true greatness, he took it easy on the NCAA and coaching beleaguered Alabammer team, only owning them six times in a row.

Nostradamus Tuberneck, the true American hero that he is, displays how many losses we'd have in the '08 campaign.

Even fellow Barnies showed up to the Alabammer/Clemson (who we also beat) game (cause it was more important) to support Tuberneck's/Nostradamus' preseason predictions.

But all good things must come to an end. In the preseason of 2008, Tuberneck, the modern day nostradamus that he is, knew we'd lose seven games. He even displayed it on hand (literally) in the preseason, and even before our final game of the year, which was against Alabammer for the National Championship.

Age (not the return of Alabammer) got the best of Ole' Tuberneck.

That sure is an ugly crimson-colored scoreboard!

Unfortunately, due to his age AND NOT BECAUSE ALABAMMER IS BACK, he lost seven games, which was the most he'd lost since before Alabama's program fell apart his first year at The Polytechnic Institute.

After Alabammer cheated to beat him 36-0, due to age (and not the fact that he couldn't compete with the machine across the state), Tuberneck felt it was best to step down. And because our Aufarm Board of Trustees are so genuinely kind, they handed him his hush moneybuyout because they felt "it was the right thing to do."

The osmose yella wood fella hands Tuberneck his hush money buyout because "it was the right thing to do."

Now, we're without a coach, but never fear Aubarn faithful, we've had a history of hiring proven cheaterswinners such as Shrug, Dye, Tator, Brother Bill, and Tuberneck. I'm quite certain... no, POSITIVE, our next hire will be an even better hire than Tuberneck was.

Tuberneck holding all the BCS National Championships he won in his career as a head coach.

*Tuberneck over the years*

7-7 all-time versus Alabammer, but he won six straightnot during a time of which they underwent NCAA sanctions and the changing of a head coach every 2-3 years.

35-33 overall record and 16-32 record in SEC play OUTSIDE OF Alabammer's worst years85-40 in ten years as Polytechnic head coach.

1 SEC title in 14 years, which is good considering this is the toughest conference in the universe, and that Nick Saban had to cheat to win two SEC titles in five years at LSWho?.

2004 OPELIKA FARMER'S MARKET NATIONAL CHAMPIONS where Tuberneck didn't cheat to defeat LSU by 1 point, didn't allow his players to cheat in Sociology class so that they could remain eligible to play football, didn't struggle with an injury-plagued Alabama team, and didn't win a nailbiter over Virginia Tech in the Sugar bowl by 3 points.

Tuberneck was also featured on the cover of one of the most prestigious magazines in all of the universe, which was a direct shot at Nick Saban after he was featured on the cover of some irrelevant second-rate magazine in the preseason of Tuberneck's last year.
Tuberneck featured on the cover of Second Fiddle Magazine, courtesy of gump4heisman.

And Six* straight National Championship wins over Alabammer.

You think Master Chef Tuberneck is retiring? Think again...

Tuberneck gets to work at his new job at the War eagle Supper Club.

Tuberneck recently started his new job as a cook at the Supper Club here in Opelika. He has previous experience in fish frying and his resume was so overly overwhelming, the Supper Club hired him immediately.

We, here at the AUbarnie Blog wish him the absolute best of luck in the culinary industry.

WE'LL MISS YOU COACH, TUBERNECK!