HAHAHAHA ALABAMMER!!! AJC VOTES US THE MOST OBNOXIOUS FAN BASE AND NOT YALL!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!1 HAHAHAHAHAHA!! HA! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
1. Auburn (No. 2 in 2008, No. 6 in 2010 AJC.com poll): Because Tiger fans still worship at the tainted feet of Pat Dye. Because they run off coaches on a whim. Because they’ve grown as arrogant as Alabama backers without one-tenth the justification. Because they’re still whining over the national championship they didn’t win in 2004. Because the world’s worst fan — the Montgomery banker Bobby Lowder — is an Auburn man. And because I would pay money (though not a lot) to see Bobby Lowder in jean shorts.
All I gots to say is we have every right to be obnoxious:
-6 straight Iron Bowl National Championship victories -1/2 AP title in a gazillion years -Just as many SEC titles as Georgia Tech* -Just as many bowl appearances as Alabama has bowl victories -Coach 13-24 -More mascots than Lindsey Lohan has freckles -Trailer Park housing -Aubarn (AL) University endorsed rodeos -Fraternity KKK meetings -A university that looks like a brickyard puked onto a cow pasture
And last but not least...
We've gots the best looking cows in America!
GOT ALL THAT BAMMER? YOU SURE DON'T!!! WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!
Jeff Lebo's reaction to discovering he'll no longer lead the Aubarn (AL) basketball program as head coach.
Some are saying it's Tubby Smith, but the Lee County KKK Chapter in Aubarn (AL) are saying otherwise.
Others are saying it will be Bobby Knight, but sources (Incomprehensible-Man and Bobby from Homewood) are saying it's Nick Saban, because he has exceeded his time limit at The University of Alabammer and he's aching to get out of Tuscalooser, Alabammer.
Whoever it maybe, I know AD Jay Jacobs will make the right decision based on X's and O's and not their overall head coaching record (just see Coach Gene Cheez-it Arthur Gustav Malzahn III, who led Aubarn (AL) to an eight win season, and AUlmost won the Iron Bowl National Championship!!).
My fellow Barnies, understand that there should not be even the slightest shadow of a doubt when it comes to trusting Jay Jacobs! That's the AUbarnie word of the day!
Is it just me, or is the Barnie KKK nation literally taking over the south?
We were more than happy to help our fellow Hotty Toddy brethren this past Saturday in support of the south will rise again campaign!! It's just another Aubarn (AL) tradition!!!
To honor the great Barnie Halloween tradition, and seeing how we're less than a week away from Halloween, this week's Barnie of the Week award goes to...
THE FRATERNITY KLANSMEN OF AUBARN (AL)!!
Aubarn (AL) is prominently known for it's virulent racism, and we as Barnies take pride in that -- hence being known as "the last college in America to still have a plantation mentality". Whether it's denying coaches the job who are of any other color than white (trash), denying bar entry to those who are of any other color than white (trash), or treating those who are of any other color than white (trash) like pieces of meat, we as Barnies can take pride in being ranked number 1 in yet another category!! HAHAHAHAHA BAMMERS, YOU HEAR THAT??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
For those of you La Tech fans who've never had the luxury of taking part in the Aubarn (AL) experience, here's a brief list breaking down some of the top tourist attractions in the lovely Lee County, AL.
Tractor Pulls
This here is our version of Six Flags where the rides are thrilling beyond belief!
Hosted by none other than our very own Bammer Desecrators you can shoot skeet all day long with the Lee County Legends!
Fraternity Parties
If it's Friday night, you can head over to a KKK Fraternity Party! Just make sure you're not of any other origin than redneck and or white trash!
Aubarn (AL) Rodeo
This here is more of a pregame festivity. Only problem is, once you enter the Rodeo grounds you ain't gonna want to leave! So make sure you sell your ticket off if you plan on checking
this event out!
The Historic Opelika District Tour
Yet another mind-boggling pregame festivity! Aubarn (AL) offers tours through our historic neighborly superior city, Opelika (which Aubarn (AL) is currently underfunded by). If you already have your football tickets purchased, show the tour guide at the gate and they give you a 20% discount on all tours!
6) Six Straight Iron Bowl National Championships 7) Coach Gene Cheez-it: 8) The best Stadium -- Jordan-Haire-Dye-Cow Pasture Stadium 9) The Best Monster Truck Shops For Mud-Riding: 10) The Best Fans in Lee County THE STATE OF ALABAMMER:
Greetings my fellow Barnie family brothers and sisters and cousins! A very legendary blog author and certified Aubarn Man™ (and son of the Mayor of one of the most prestigious and breathtaking towns, second to Aubarn (AL), Phenix City, AL), Jay Coulter, recently posted a "Top Five Reasons Why Alabammer is Not Relevant" list. What my good buddy Jay failed to post is a "Top Reasons Why Aubarn (AL) is relevant". So allow me to do it for you, my brother Jay!
1) Probation-Probation-Probation: Aubarn (AL) leads the state in breaking the rules. Alabammer comes in second (as alwayz). From the early days of Shrug (our Bear Bryant but only better) to the modern days of handing out free-class credits so that our players remain eligible and chop blocking, we're still number 1 in the state of Alabammer when it comes to breaking the rules. We are professional cheaters; Alabammer is just a bunch of wannabes. Therefore, probation ain't an unfamiliar word down here in cow-ville.
2) Success: The Iron Bowl National Championship game began in 2002. Since it's inception, Aubarn (AL) joined the legendary ranks of LSU, Tennersee, Georgia, Ole Miss, Mississippi State, UCF, Louisiana-Monroe, Northern Illinois, and Hawaii by defeating Alabammer six straight years, during Alabama's strongest period in modern history and for the most part under the guidance of the greatest coach in the history of their program: Mike Shula (who was even greater than Coach Cheez-it admittedly)! Prior to 2002, Aubarn (AL) never played Alabammer in football. So the overall record is 6-1, in Aubarn (AL)'s favor. I should also note that Alabammer had the refs on their side in 2008.
3) Coaching: While Alabammer had to pay big money to lure away a coach who posted 15-17 record in the NFL, Aubarn (AL) had an assembly line of coaches lined up, on their knees, performing all types of far-fetched pleads to get the job. In the end, we managed to hire the winningest coach in modern day college football history: Gene Cheez-it. Sad thing is, we got him for 1/4 of the price that Alabammer got Satan for. Other leading candidates were: Steve Spurrier (too old and he DID NOT turn us down), Turner Gill (not interested in minority candidates), Rudy (not interested in them damn yankees), Will Mushroom (worked for Satan meaning he'd suck; and he DID NOT turn us down), and Jimbo Fischer (worked for Satan meaning he'd suck; and he DID NOT turn us down).
4) The Bear: At Alabammer, they evolve around their ancient history, legacy, tradition, and a previous coach. At Aubarn (AL) we strictly evolve around one thing: Alabammer so that we'll have a proper gameplan going into that season's Iron Bowl National Championship. What's worse, evolving around history, legacy and tradition, or evolving around another team? It definitely ain't the latter I can tell you that much!
5) Relevance: People talk about Aubarn (AL) so much, they often mistake our school as being from another state!
Click on image to enlarge.
In the final analysis, Aubarn (AL) is the all around bestest football program in the nation. We have the best fans, the best cows, the best on-campus cow pastures and barns, the best trailer parks, the best ghettos, the best stadium, the best county and city, the best neighboring city (Opelika), the best rodeos, the best mud-riding pits, and lastly the best traditions and elite fraternity in the state! PS: We ain't even as racist as the outsiders make us out to be!
Hi! I'm Dale, 'fficial blog owner of the most awesome AUbarn blog in the universe!
Ever wonder what it's like to be an Aubarn Man™...
Ever wonder how it feels to be an Aubarn Man™...
Ever wonder what it takes to become an Aubarn Man™...
Today, I've come here to guide you through a simple five step process that will teach you and yours how easy it is to become a member of one of the elite male fraternities on the planet!
INSTRUCTIONS HAVE NEVER BEEN SO SIMPLE!...!...!...!... In fact, they're so simple a Sociology major could spit the steps out BACKWARDS!! Hell, this simple process is even EASIER than receiving a degree in Sociology here at The AlabammerOpelika Polytechnic Institute!
THE FIRST STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: DRESS CODE:
One of the first steps to becoming a vintage Aubarn Man™ is your appearance and attire.
Marlboro Man is an Aubarn Man™
Dressing to become an Aubarn Man™ has never been so easy! Really, there are several different appearance methods you can go by: overalls, cowboy boots, trucker and or cowboy hat, unwashed and untidy jeans (and or jorts) and wife-beater, long hair (preferably in the style of a mullet), and of course, make sure you always come equipped with something positively affiliated with The AlabammerOpelika Polytechnic Institute (i.e. hat, shirt, jeans, socks, jorts, shoes, etc). Not only is this a good way to represent the Aubarn family, it's also a perfect way to pick up a Barnie date, which we'll cover in step two! Always remember, hygiene is something we Barnies could do without.
Now that you have step one down pat, let's advance to step two!
THE SECOND STEP TO BECOMMING AN AUBARN MAN™: DATING
It's always best to have you a date around Opelika, especially when attending a rodeo or football game or the Rolling of Toomer's Ceremony.
In Opelika, there are no dating restrictions/rules/regulations. When it comes to dating, we're very flexible here in Lee County. You can date the farm animals... you can date men... you can date women... you can even date blow-up dolls!
In Opelika, the dime-piece among all dates are sheep (female only). If you got yourself a sheep, then you've got yourself gold! They're not to hard to find here in Lee County; however, most of the older sheep have been around the block a time or two, so seek the young only.
Not into human beings? The farmhouse animals of Opelika are acceptable too!
When it comes to dating women (if you're into them), we appreciative citizens of the magical paradise known as Lee County strongly suggest you seek only the women in your immediate family (that is if they're not taken by your father or brother... or sister or mother). Sibling dating is acceptable...
Quarterback Brandon Cox is a true Aubarn Man™(and potential Barnie of the week candidate)
If you land yourself a sister (or even a cousin as they're acceptable too), or even a sheep, then you have just completed the second-step!
THE THIRD STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: OBSESSING OVER HATING ALABAMMER
Here in Opelika, we don't obsess over Alabammer... We just hate 'em! It may appear that we do, considering every Aubarn store here in Opelika, which sells apparel, sells half Aubarn and half anti-Alabammer; and the fact that we roll Toomer's when Alabammer loses a game; and we consider the Iron Bowl our "National Championship"; and when talking football, bringing Alabammer up in every other sentence; etc. etc. etc. It's NOT obsession... It's just plain hate -- plain and simple!
It's not obsession...
It's just anti-Alabammer football (his man-boobs are nicer than mine)! The old saying goes as follows: "At Alabama, they evolve around the legacy and tradition that makes them who they are; At Auburn, they evolve around Alabama."
...is not what it is! As long as you learn to hate Alabama more than you love The AlabammerOpelika Polytechnic Institute, then you have completed step number three!
YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!!!!
THE FOURTH STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: VEHICLE
Buy yourself a jacked-up truck from Aubarn Off-Road, located in Opelika the beautiful!
Here in Opelika, if you don't own a jacked-up truck, you ain't cool!
Jacked-up trucks serves other purposes besides just looks and mud-riding!
Jacked-up trucks are a vital necessity in the becoming an Aubarn Man™ process. If you buy yourself a jacked-up truck, you're not one step away from earning your official Aubarn Man™ license!
THE FINAL STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: RODEOS/TRAILER PARKS
And lastly, the final step to becoming an Aubarn Man™ is preparing yourself, mentally and physically, to attend more rodeos than you do football games. Nearly each weekend in Opelika, The Alabammer Polytechnic Institute hosts rodeos, for the county citizens and students, in which more attend than they do football games. The rodeos are located directly behind The Good Ole' Boys Restaurant.
The second phase of the final step is the home of which you reside in.
Perfect!
The AlabammerOpelika Polytechnic Institute housing department(s) will issue you a Renters Guide Book, which will provide you with all the single and double-wide mobile homes all throughout Lee County.
If you can learn to appreciate the value of living in mobile homes and attending rodeos, just as much as you appreciate obsessing over hating Alabammer football and the Wire Road trailer park block parties, then you are now officially a certified Aubarn Man™ like me!
To receive your Aubarn Man License, you can do so by filling out an application by click this link. Just in case you DON'T have your driver's license, you can also receive them if you fill out the form correctly. *NOTE: LEE COUNTY CITIZENS ONLY PLEASE*
Famously known for his rarely unique skills in the art of "country boy ass whippings", because of that he was awarded with this week's Barnie of the week simply for having the testicular fortitude to threaten to give both Sir "Governator Wannabe" Charles Barkley and Patrick Fain Dye a royal "Country Boy Ass Whipping" (can someone patent that for him ASAP, please?) on the Finebaum Radio Network a few days ago.
Keep doing what you do best Charles from Reeltown! You make your fellow Barnies proud.
K, so maybe we do have a history of racism here in C(ow)-Town, but c'mon, we ain't that racist, are we? Here are five reasons (I came up with thank you very much) that we ain't as racist as we appear to be to the casual eye:
1) Virulent Racism at The AlabamaOpelika Polytechnic Institute Source
So maybe our fraternity students get a little too carried away at times, but it was all in good fun!
2) It ain't discrimination in terms of color, it's the aura of suspicion. Source "The Tuskegee students complained to the Auburn City Council about being denied entry last month at Bourbon Street Bar"
The bar owners said it was simply because you didn't meet the dress-code criteria. To get into one of the three bars in Opelika, if you ain't wearing jorts, a wife beater, and a trucker hat, YOU AIN'T GETTING IN!
3) It ain't hate, it's heritage! It's just how we do it in Dixie, baby!
We just honoring the heritage passed down from our Aubarn forefathers.
4) Proof that we get along with African-Americans. See, we all gets along with each other down in Aubarn!
5) If Finebaum says it, THEN IT'S NOT TRUE! Source
When is Finebaum ever right? You damn right we have a plantation mentality BECAUSE WE'RE AUBARN! But that doesn't mean we're racist! Go cuddle with your bammer buddies, Paul Finebaum, cause we all know you're secretly a Bama fan in a bald man's costume!
6) Racism is a thing of the past, kind of like Bammer Football. Forward to 1:02 and 9:37
All this happened back in the early 90s. It's over now. Hell, I can't even remember back that far. In fact, I think 1992 was my mother's first year at Aubarn U. I'm proud to also note that it's nearly been 17 years since she first started school here and she almost has her freshman year behind her!
The aforementioned is all the proof you need to know we ain't racist down here on the plains! I'm forwarding this blog to Paul Finebaum, Shane from Centrepoint, ESPN, and UA.edu! WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!
So, after nearly a week of soaking up the Gene Cheez-it euphoria, I finally ran down to the local Opelika bar, where a massive amount of my fellow Barnies were gathered around the only working (black and white) television tube in Lee County.
First thing I heard was bickering going on in regards to comments Sir Charles Barkley made about his alma matter (which I'm about to touch base on). Verbatim: "He's saying we're racist!" And, "Can't believe that dadgum blasted boy is calling us Barnie-necks a bunch of racists hillbillies. I don't mind the hillbilly part, but where does he come off by saying we're racist?" Also, "DAMN THAT BLASTED WOMAN!" Can't leave out, "Who around here rents out sheep for a night?" And, "it's a conspiracy started by Bammer."
Here are my thoughts: Aubarn ain't a racist school. We is just a down home, friendly farming community that respects all colors, races, religions, sexual orientations, and bestiality. The only thing we don't like are bammerz, and you don't find too many of their kind 'round here. When we do see a bammer, all we do is shout harsh obscenities toward them, provide them with a little profane gestures, and maybe throw an empty beer bottle or two at them. Nothing too overly hostile. One time, my cousin/brother Bill-Cream threw an unopened Natty Light bottle at a bammer passing through at last year's Iron Bowl, which was played here in Opelika. Needless to say we booted him out of town for that. THAT'S DAMN ALCOHOL ABUSE!
In closing, we barnies have officially disowned Charles Barkley from our dysfunctional Aubarn family.
Charles, YOU CAN KISS MY NON-RACIST BARNIE SUPPORTING BOOTY AND EVEN IF I WAS QUALIFIED TO VOTE (but I ain't due to the fact that there ain't no place to register around here) I WOULD VOTE FOR A BAMMER BEFORE I VOTED FOR YOU... Wait, what did I just say? Just kidding, I'd never vote for a Bammer. I'd vote for the anti-Christ before I voted for a Bammer, even if he was the inevitable solution to our society's ongoing problems.
I'm currently a student at Opelika Polytechnic Institute. I've been here six years and I almost have my freshman year behind me. I'm unsure of what I want to major in at the current moment. At first, I signed on to study the science of cows, then I changed my major to sociology, but even in a course in which you receive free grades in was too tough for me. But now I think I want to be an astronaut. Only time will tell...
Not into human beings? The farmhouse animals of 
