Hi! I'm Dale, 'fficial blog owner of the most awesome AUbarn blog in the universe! Ever wonder what it's like to be an Aubarn Man™...
Ever wonder how it feels to be an Aubarn Man™...
Ever wonder what it takes to become an Aubarn Man™...
Today, I've come here to guide you through a simple five step process that will teach you and yours how easy it is to become a member of one of the elite male fraternities on the planet!
INSTRUCTIONS HAVE NEVER BEEN SO SIMPLE!...!...!...!... In fact, they're so simple a Sociology major could spit the steps out BACKWARDS!! Hell, this simple process is even EASIER than receiving a degree in Sociology here at The Alabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institute!
THE FIRST STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: DRESS CODE:
One of the first steps to becoming a vintage Aubarn Man™ is your appearance and attire.
Marlboro Man is an Aubarn Man™
Dressing to become an Aubarn Man™ has never been so easy! Really, there are several different appearance methods you can go by: overalls, cowboy boots, trucker and or cowboy hat, unwashed and untidy jeans (and or jorts) and wife-beater, long hair (preferably in the style of a mullet), and of course, make sure you always come equipped with something positively affiliated with The AlabammerOpelika Polytechnic Institute (i.e. hat, shirt, jeans, socks, jorts, shoes, etc). Not only is this a good way to represent the Aubarn family, it's also a perfect way to pick up a Barnie date, which we'll cover in step two! Always remember, hygiene is something we Barnies could do without.
Now that you have step one down pat, let's advance to step two!
THE SECOND STEP TO BECOMMING AN AUBARN MAN™: DATING
It's always best to have you a date around Opelika, especially when attending a rodeo or football game or the Rolling of Toomer's Ceremony.
In Opelika, there are no dating restrictions/rules/regulations. When it comes to dating, we're very flexible here in Lee County. You can date the farm animals... you can date men... you can date women... you can even date blow-up dolls!
In Opelika, the dime-piece among all dates are sheep (female only). If you got yourself a sheep, then you've got yourself gold! They're not to hard to find here in Lee County; however, most of the older sheep have been around the block a time or two, so seek the young only.
In Opelika, the dime-piece among all dates are sheep (female only). If you got yourself a sheep, then you've got yourself gold! They're not to hard to find here in Lee County; however, most of the older sheep have been around the block a time or two, so seek the young only.
Not into human beings? The farmhouse animals of Opelika are acceptable too!
When it comes to dating women (if you're into them), we appreciative citizens of the magical paradise known as Lee County strongly suggest you seek only the women in your immediate family (that is if they're not taken by your father or brother... or sister or mother).
Sibling dating is acceptable...
Even with men...
Even sibling orgies...
photos courtesy of Teaching Tolerance (Racism at Aubarn)
Quarterback Brandon Cox is a true Aubarn Man™ (and potential Barnie of the week candidate)
If you land yourself a sister (or even a cousin as they're acceptable too), or even a sheep, then you have just completed the second-step!
THE THIRD STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™:OBSESSING OVER HATING ALABAMMER
Here in Opelika, we don't obsess over Alabammer... We just hate 'em! It may appear that we do, considering every Aubarn store here in Opelika, which sells apparel, sells half Aubarn and half anti-Alabammer; and the fact that we roll Toomer's when Alabammer loses a game; and we consider the Iron Bowl our "National Championship"; and when talking football, bringing Alabammer up in every other sentence; etc. etc. etc. It's NOT obsession... It's just plain hate -- plain and simple!
It's not obsession...
It's just anti-Alabammer football (his man-boobs are nicer than mine)!
The old saying goes as follows:
"At Alabama, they evolve around the legacy and tradition that makes them who they are; At Auburn, they evolve around Alabama."
...is not what it is!
As long as you learn to hate Alabama more than you love TheAlabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institute, then you have completed step number three!
YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!!!!
THE FOURTH STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: VEHICLE
Buy yourself a jacked-up truck from Aubarn Off-Road, located in Opelika the beautiful!
Here in Opelika, if you don't own a jacked-up truck, you ain't cool!
Jacked-up trucks serves other purposes besides just looks and mud-riding!
Jacked-up trucks are a vital necessity in the becoming an Aubarn Man™ process. If you buy yourself a jacked-up truck, you're not one step away from earning your official Aubarn Man™ license!
THE FINAL STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: RODEOS/TRAILER PARKS
And lastly, the final step to becoming an Aubarn Man™ is preparing yourself, mentally and physically, to attend more rodeos than you do football games. Nearly each weekend in Opelika, TheAlabammer Polytechnic Institute hosts rodeos, for the county citizens and students, in which more attend than they do football games. The rodeos are located directly behind The Good Ole' Boys Restaurant.
The second phase of the final step is the home of which you reside in.
Perfect!
TheAlabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institute housing department(s) will issue you a Renters Guide Book, which will provide you with all the single and double-wide mobile homes all throughout Lee County.
If you can learn to appreciate the value of living in mobile homes and attending rodeos, just as much as you appreciateobsessing over hating Alabammer football and the Wire Road trailer park block parties, then you are now officially a certified Aubarn Man™ like me!
To receive your Aubarn Man License, you can do so by filling out an application by click this link. Just in case you DON'T have your driver's license, you can also receive them if you fill out the form correctly. *NOTE: LEE COUNTY CITIZENS ONLY PLEASE*
Sibling dating is acceptable...
Even with men...
Even sibling orgies...photos courtesy of Teaching Tolerance (Racism at Aubarn)
Quarterback Brandon Cox is a true Aubarn Man™ (and potential Barnie of the week candidate)If you land yourself a sister (or even a cousin as they're acceptable too), or even a sheep, then you have just completed the second-step!
THE THIRD STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™:
Here in Opelika, we don't obsess over Alabammer... We just hate 'em! It may appear that we do, considering every Aubarn store here in Opelika, which sells apparel, sells half Aubarn and half anti-Alabammer; and the fact that we roll Toomer's when Alabammer loses a game; and we consider the Iron Bowl our "National Championship"; and when talking football, bringing Alabammer up in every other sentence; etc. etc. etc. It's NOT obsession... It's just plain hate -- plain and simple!
It's not obsession...
It's just anti-Alabammer football (his man-boobs are nicer than mine)!The old saying goes as follows:
"At Alabama, they evolve around the legacy and tradition that makes them who they are; At Auburn, they evolve around Alabama."
...is not what it is!As long as you learn to hate Alabama more than you love The
YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!!!!
THE FOURTH STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: VEHICLE
Buy yourself a jacked-up truck from Aubarn Off-Road, located in Opelika the beautiful!Here in Opelika, if you don't own a jacked-up truck, you ain't cool!
Jacked-up trucks serves other purposes besides just looks and mud-riding!Jacked-up trucks are a vital necessity in the becoming an Aubarn Man™ process. If you buy yourself a jacked-up truck, you're not one step away from earning your official Aubarn Man™ license!
THE FINAL STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: RODEOS/TRAILER PARKS
And lastly, the final step to becoming an Aubarn Man™ is preparing yourself, mentally and physically, to attend more rodeos than you do football games. Nearly each weekend in Opelika, The
The second phase of the final step is the home of which you reside in.
Perfect!The
If you can learn to appreciate the value of living in mobile homes and attending rodeos, just as much as you appreciate
To receive your Aubarn Man License, you can do so by filling out an application by click this link. Just in case you DON'T have your driver's license, you can also receive them if you fill out the form correctly. *NOTE: LEE COUNTY CITIZENS ONLY PLEASE*
lol... SO True!!!
ReplyDeleteLet me get this straight...this is an entire website devoted to making fun of Auburn. Yet one of the biggest things you make fun of is Auburn obsessing over Alabama.
ReplyDeleteYou catch the irony there?
Sniff... Sniff... I smell an irritated Barnie--and the aroma is that of the fresh cow manure wafting throughout the ugly little trailer park village on the average weekday!
ReplyDeleteAgain, 007, you're highlighting the exact issue that I'm talking about. You talk about me being irritated just because I posted a comment, yet you were apparently irritated enough at me to post a comment as well.
ReplyDeleteAlong the same lines, you don't get to make a website completely devoted to Auburn hate, then call Auburn fans obsessed with Alabama. It just doesn't work. These are the kinds of things you need to catch before writing a hate post.
Anonymous and 007, contain yourselves please. The Alabama and Auburn rivalry is by far the most intense rivalry in all of college football. No fan of either team is more "obsessed" with another THAN the other. We hate Auburn and Auburn hates us. It may seem Auburn fans "obsess" over us more than we do them, but it's hardly the big picture considering most of them see and hear more of Alabama than anything simply because there are more Alabama fans around than there are Auburn. Same goes with Georgia/Georgia Tech, Florida/Florida State, etc. etc. We both love our programs. We both hate our rivalry brothers. All in all, the feeling is mutual both ways. Period. End of discussion.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Captain Obvious