I(ncomprehensible)-Man's Thoughts on Cam "Jesus" Newtron, Ole Myth, and the 2010 CF Season...

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka
the only undefeated Finebaum caller.

ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN ON THE FINEBAUM SHOW, JUST LIKE MY MIGHTY AUBARN (AL) TIGERZ DO ON THE FIELD... WHAT ABOUT YAL'L, MY FELLOW BAMMER ENVYING HATING AUBARN (AL) FAMILY MEMBERZ???

YA KNOW, RIGHT NOW AUBARN (AL) IS UNDEFEATED AND ALABAMMER IS DEFEATED!!! ALABAMMER LOST TO A TEAM WE STRAIGHT UP OBLITERATED SO BAD, STEVE SPURRIER HAD TO PUT HIS SECOND STRING QUARTERBACK IN!!! AND WHAT DID ALABAMMER DO THAT TEAM??? THEY STRAIGHT UP GOT WHOOPED ON!!!

BY MY LOGIC, ALABAMMER IS GONNA GET PWNED BY THE MESSIAH, DELL CAM NEWTON! IT AIN'T EVEN GONNA BE CLOSE!!! ALABAMMER DOESN'T HAVING THE COACHING THAT CLEMSON HAS. THEY DON'T HAVE THE QUARTERBACK THAT MISSERSIPPI STATE HAS. AND THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T HAVE THE DEFENSE THAT KENTUCKY HAS. THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WE WON BY 3 POINTS, AND GUESS WHAT... WE'RE GONNA WIN BY 300 IN THE IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!!

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!!! AUBARN WILL SCORE 300 POINTS IN THE FIRST 5 MINUTES OF THE IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP, AND BECAUSE THOSE CHEATING, CROOKED REFS ARE ON BAMMERZ SIDE, THEY'LL ENFORCE A MERCY RULE AND END THE GAME, BEFORE CAM "NICK SATAN" NEWTON CAN SCORE 3000 ON THEM!!

BOOK IT NOW AND BECOME A MILLIONAIRE!! I'VE ALREADY CONTACTED VEGAS AND SO SHOULD YOU... UNTIL NEXT TIME... I-MAN.... OUT!

CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man's Thoughts on A(AL)U vs. Clemson

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka

the only undefeated Finebaum caller.

I'M NOT AFRAID... I'M NOT AFRAID... EVERYBODY... EVERYBODY... HEY HEY HEY! WHAT IT BE MY AUBARN HOMIES?!

YALL KNOW IT'S WEEK THREE AND...... BAMMER'S UNDEFEATED. THAT JUST MAKES ME MADDER THAN A GAY DUDE BEING HIT ON BY A GIRL. EVERY YEAR IT'S THE SAME OLE SHIT. HOW CAN A TWO-TIME NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP WINNING COACH, WITH NFL EXPERIENCE, COACHING THE MOST STORIED AND TRADITION RICH PROGRAM IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL HISTORY BE SO SUCCESSFUL???? IT'S SIMPLE: THOSE ASS-PIRATES ARE CHEATING! CHEATING! CHEATING! CHEATING!

IT'S BEEN SAID MORE THAN A TIME OR TWO THAT THE PLOI WILL BE SENT IN THREE WEEKS, PROBLEM IS IT DIDN'T COME. HOWEVER, RECENT STUDIES HAVE SHOWN MOST AUBARN FANS CAN'T COUNT, THEREFORE, THEY DID MEAN IT WAS COMING, BUT JUST HAD THEIR MATH A LITTLE WRONG. NO BIG DEAL. EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES AND WE ALL KNOW WE AUBARN FANS ARE FAR FROM PERFECT.

BUT THE PLOI IS COMING AND ALABAMMER WILL BE SLAMMED WITH NCAA SANCTIONS AND AUBARN, AL WILL REIGN SUPREME!

I KNOW I CAN'T WAIT, WHAT ABOUT YALL??? BTW, WHO IS AUBARN PLAYING AGAIN THIS WEEKEND? I KNOW ALABAMMER IS PLAYING DUKE, AT WALLACE WADE STADIUM AND THEY'VE INCREASED THEIR CAPACITY FOR THIS ONE GAME ALONE, AND IT WILL BE ON ABC, AND INGRAM WILL BE RETURNING, AND NICK SATAN REFERRED TO DUKE AS A DANGEROUS TEAM, AND I CAN GO ON AND ON AND ON.

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, I KNOW AUBARN IS PLAYING SOMETIME THIS WEEKEND. CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE IT'S BEING PLAYED AND WHAT TIME ON WHAT DAY. BUT ANYWHO, SOMEBODY REMIND ME QUICK! BUT I AIN'T WATCHING AUBARN PLAY IF ITS THE SAME TIME BAMMER IZ ON.

I-MAN.... OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man Returns...

And him's bringing the Mountain Man Band along with hims!

Do you have a thirst for Incomprehensible Man's dizzy logic?

Are you hungry for some blind Incomprehensible Man commentary?

Are you unable to listen to his ongoing nonsense on the Paul Finebaum show?

Do you miss Incomprehensible Man's weekly ya ya just as much as you miss the girl/guy who took your virginity?

If the aforementioned applies to you, well you're in luck because Incomprehensible Man IS BACK and he has a letter to all of the faithful Aubarn (AL) Men and Women and children and pets:

WAZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUP!!! HERE I COME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY: I-MAN MY ALBURN PEEPS!!!

FORGIVE MY HIATUS BUT I-MAN HAS BEEN ON A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY BITCHES! THAT'S RIGHT, ONE DAY UPON AWAKENING I DECIDED I HAD ENOUGH AND IT WAS TIME FOR A CHANGE. SO I LOADED UP MY PICKUP WITH RAMEN NOODLES AND VIENNA SAUSAGES AND BUD LIGHT AND PULLED OUT THE DRIVEWAY. THEN... MY FUCKING TRUCK BROKE DOWN NOT EVEN FIVE MILES FROM THE HOUSE. SO THEN, I BEGAN TO WALK. SOME CALL IT A LABOR OF LOVE, AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS. I WAS WALKING BECAUSE I LOVE AUBARN. MY DESTINATION: THE GREAT BEYOND AKA INDIANAPOLIS INDIANA.

NOW WHY WAS I WALKING ALL THE WAY TO INDIANAPOLIS INDIANA? DUHHHH TO DELIVER EVIDENCE OF ALABAMMER CHEATING. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. ANYWAY, LONG STORY SHORT, I DID IN FACT MAKE IT TO INDIANAPOLIS BUT THE FREAKING NCAA HEADQUARTERS WERE CLOSED, AND I WAS STUCK INT HE POURING RAIN BUT I DID THE SMART THING AND LEFT THE LETTER ON THE DOORSTEP.

SO ANY DAY NOW THE NCAA WILL DELIVER THE HAMMER ON ALABAMMER AND I'LL BE HERE TO REPORT IT TO YOU FIRST BECAUSE I-MAN IS BACK BIOTCHES AND HOES!!!!

IN THE MEANTIME, YOU CAN CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

Barnies as South Park Characters

In more recent news, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, creators of the hit controversial show South Park, have once again found a way to piss off the strict followers of the Islamic faith... and to honor their ballsy efforts of continuously finding ways to get under the folks who are more delusional than them there Bammers, I'd like to pay tribute to the show by dramatically transforming real life Barnies into animated South Park Characters.

So without further ado, I present to you...



I-MAN!!!!!

See the resemblance? I was thinking this guy could fly as the brother of Randy Marsh! And as the Ghetto Avenue Boys once sang, I-Man has definitely "Got it" except he ain't no girl... at least last time he reported for his monthly sheep duty shift here in Lee County, he wasn't...

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!!

OT: Who we barn-tards hate outside of the football realm!

As you are aware, being an Aubarn (AL) fan is no cake walk. Each and every day we are forced to awaken knowing that we are Aubarn (AL) supporters. It's not an easy fact to cope with by no means, but we do it anyhow! Admittedly, we spend 3/4ths of our lives doing everything within the limits of our humanly power attempting to destroy the mothership: The Alabammer Crimson Turd. And three simple words (unless you're a sociology major or your Carnell "Pinto" Williams, Junior "I has a crayon" Rosegreen, or "St-st-stuttering" Kenny Irons then it might not seem so simple, but one day it will after leaving the confines of Lee County) pretty much sums up our daily attempt to destroy Alabammer: we epically fail!

But that's besides the point. Enough Alabammer football envy hate talk... instead, let's focus on the things we envy hate, outside of Alabammer football. I'm talking a little gem known as the entertainment industry. And for those of you barnies who've yet to buy yourself a picture box, and the rest of you who have bought one, but can't pick up a signal on the antenna then these next few sentences are for you... In a land, far, far away there lies a futuristic civilization (and we ain't talking Columbus, GA) where the picture boxes are flat, the pick-up trucks don't have no rust on the hood (and they run perfectly fine), cow pastures are replaced with tall buildings and double-wides are replaced by two story homes, and the women have all their teeth. I'm talking Hollywood and... ah hell, well if your Aubarn (AL) loving arse don't know what Hollywood iz, then you probably ain't even reading this message because that Aubarn (AL) degree didn't require you to pass 1st grade reading!

Anyhow, this is the first of a four part series we'll be posting here at the AUbarnie... and without further ado, my fine Aubarn (AL) family, I present to you the people we Aubarn (AL) fans should hate, outside of Alabammer football:

Starting with...

THE FEATURE FILM INDUSTRY

1) Channing Tatum:
Not because he's an Alabammer fan, or because he's inventing a new Alabammer hand gesture to counter Texas' Hook 'em gesture, but because Dear John was gay and Aubarn (AL) rodeos are not.

NOTE: We don't hate the Jonas brothers or Leann Rimes.


2) Eva Longoria:
Stop judging me people because again, it's not because she's affiliating herself with the Alabammer program here, but because every time I get a copy of "The Corner News", and after glancing through the comic section (our favorite section), I take a glance over the sports page, and anytime baseball news breaks from Tampa Bay, I get their third basemen confused with a Desperate Housewife character.


3) Melissa Joan Hart:
Not 'cause the hubby's an Alabammer fan, or 'cause she pulls for Alabammer too, but because he's ugly, out of shape, and appears to be disoriented. When you got all that fame, fortune, and brains, why can't you use that sense of judgment to pick a dime-piece stud such as myself, I(ncomprehensible)-Man, Charles From Reeltown, Cock-Fighter, or Aubarn (AL)'s Marlboro Man? Hell, where is that bammer standing? On a sidewalk! Therefore that means he is a sidewalk fan! He ain't going NO WHERE in life! Hell he probably can't even find Tuscalooser, Alabammer on a map, just like there ain't no way in hell we Aubarn (AL) fans can find Atlanter on a map either (cause we ain't never gone play in the Jawga Dome again). At least I, along with the I and Marlboro Man, Charles, and Cock-Fighter all gots a master degrees from the prestigious Aubarn (AL) University!

Wait a minute... she's standing on a sidewalk AND she pulls for Alabammer too... that means SHE'S A SIDEWALK FAN AND WE HATES HER CAUSE OF THAT TOO!!!



4) Sela Ward:
Who on Earth names their daughters Sela??? Really??? In Aubarn (AL) we have class and sophistication. We name our kids classy names such as Lizard, Poodles, and Tim Tebow.


5) Courtney Cox:

It's obvious by the last name and we've all seen the leaked sex tape of her and Ace Ventura therefore, she's a whore!


6) David Arquette:

'Cause he's married to that two-timing no good whore!


7) Rece Davis
Not cause he's an Alabammer alumni, but because last time I ate Reese cups I shit out a spectrum of colors, like a rainbow, and every time I hear his name, or see his Eric Cartman looking face, I have to run BACK to the outhouse where I'm usually forced to camp out for two or three days. I puts him here cause he's gots himself and IMDB account, which is film industry related!


8) Jim Nabors:
'Cause this ass-hat plays a character which resides in a town that copies the wonderful city of Aubarn (AL). WE ARE THE ORIGINAL MAYBERRY, DAMMIT!

And there you have it! Just a few examples of who we Barnies should hate in the entertainment industry. Feel free to add your own as part two of four is just around the corner!

Who will be Jeff Lebo's replacement?

Jeff Lebo's reaction to discovering he'll no longer lead the Aubarn (AL) basketball program as head coach.

Some are saying it's Tubby Smith, but the Lee County KKK Chapter in Aubarn (AL) are saying otherwise.

Others are saying it will be Bobby Knight, but sources (Incomprehensible-Man and Bobby from Homewood) are saying it's Nick Saban, because he has exceeded his time limit at The University of Alabammer and he's aching to get out of Tuscalooser, Alabammer.

Whoever it maybe, I know AD Jay Jacobs will make the right decision based on X's and O's and not their overall head coaching record (just see Coach Gene Cheez-it Arthur Gustav Malzahn III, who led Aubarn (AL) to an eight win season, and AUlmost won the Iron Bowl National Championship!!).

My fellow Barnies, understand that there should not be even the slightest shadow of a doubt when it comes to trusting Jay Jacobs! That's the AUbarnie word of the day!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man-Clause Speaks Out on the Bowl Season

I-Man Clause: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka the only undefeated Finebaum caller aka the only Santa Clause with black chest hair.

HO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM AND A BOTTLE OF RUM HO HO HO!!! HERE I AM LIIIIIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE NORTH POLE CONFEDERACY: I-MAN CLAUSE MY LITTLE ELF-LETTES!!!

YA KNOW, ALABAMMER CHEATED TO BEAT FLORIDA. THE REC PUT THEM IN PLACE TO BEAT FLORIDER, SETTING THEM UP ON THE GRANDEST STAGE AGAINST TEXAS (SOURCES HAVE ALREADY CONFIRMED IT). HOWEVER, TEXAS AIN'T NO UTAH... THEY'RE BETTER!! WAY BETTER IN FACT. IN FACT, TEXAS IS GONNA BEAT ALABAMMER SO BADLY, THOSE RENTED MULES WE GOTS THAT WE BEATS DOWN HERE IN COW TOWN WILL SEEM LIKE A MINI VACATION AT THE OPELIKA INN!!

SOURCES HAVE ALREADY CONFIRMED THE OFFICIALS IN THE GAME DECLINES THE REC'S CHANCES OF PAYING THEM TO LET ALABAMMER WIN, SO IT'S GONNA BE OOOOOONNNNN AND TEXAS IS GONNA DO TO ALABAMMER WHAT AUBARN (AL) WAS GONNA DO TO ALABAMMER BEFORE THE REC STEPPED IN (AND EVEN THOUGH THEY CHEATED, THEY STILL DIDN'T BLOW US OUT).

I FEEL AWFULLY BAD FOR ALABAMMER AT THIS TIME OF YEAR. TEXAS IS TEN STEPS BETTER THAN UTAH AND TEXAS IS GOING TO WHIP BAMMER THE WAY I WHIP THAT BOTTLE OF JACK EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!!!

WELL, IT'S TIME TO GET BACK TO MY REINDEERS CAUSE THEY ACTING A FOOL Y'ALL.

UNTIL NEXT YEAR, I-MAN CLAUSE OUT!!

YOU CAN CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK EVERY MONDAY-FRIDAY!

Iron Bowl National Championship Prediction Time!!!

Courtesy of the finest Aubarn (AL) Men and Women....

I(ncomprehensible)-Man

HEY... HEY... HEY... IT'S ME! I-MAN DOGZ COMING AT YOU LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY!!!! THE BAMMERZ ARE GONNA GET BEATEN SO BAD, THEY'LL BE BEGGING THE NCAA TO GO AHEAD AND LEND THEM AN EARLY DEATH PENALTY AND $ATAN WILL BE HEADED FOR NOTRE DAME!!! I'LL HAVE MY POST-IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP
THOUGHTS IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE GAME!!!

Lovely Linda

Awbarn will win 970-(-940) and Tommy Tuberville will hit two grandslams and
Jason Campbell will hit for the cycle. I also predict coach Mike Franchione to
strike out at least twice at bat... by the way any of y'all got any spare change
you'd like to contribute to my meth out of gas fund?

Marlboro Man

Should be another classic Iron Bowl COUGH COUGH national championship match, but I predict COUGH COUGH Awwwbar, Alabamur to pull it off in the COUGH COUGH end.

Charles From Reeltown

I'm gone be at the Iron Bowl National Championship and you'd best believe I'm
gone give every Alabammer fan there a country boy ass whippin' from hell like
they've never seen before. That damn yankee John From Huntsville's... I gots a
little sumthin for him too! I'm gone whoop y'all worse than Aubarn, Alabammer's
gonna do your weakling little Alabammer football team so you know it's gonna be
bad. Aubarn, Alabammer will win the Iron Bowl National Championship then because we beat y'all as bad as we do it automatically advances us into the BCS National Championship game to play and beat the cow dust out of Texas. WAR EAGLE!!!

Dale... ME!!!

My predictions are gonna be a little more rationale... I predict Mark
Ingram to have negative rushing yardage because this is the best defense he'll
face all year. I also predict Ben Tate, the best back in the state of
Maryland Alabammer to have more rushing yards than
Alabammer's offense does as a whole. I also predict Alabammer's defence to
surrender over 900+ yards to Aubarn (AL)'s high powered offense as Alabammer's
defense just ain't that good. Final prediction: UA 0 - A(AL)U 78 (we put our
third string in midway through the first quarter).

How 'bout a few more predictions courtesy of our very own Bammer Desecrators?

10 Facts You May or May Not Know About Alabammer's Red Elurphant Club

These facts are brought to you by Aubarn (AL)'s number 1 source(s): I(ncomprehensible)-Man, Charles From Reeltown and Bobby From Homewood, Alabammer.

10) The REC was behind the September 11th attacks.

9) The REC was behind the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal.

8) The REC was behind JFK's assassination.

7) The REC was the other man who got your wife pregnant.

6) The REC motivated Mark Mangino to verbally assault his players during practices.

5) The REC paid Coach Gene Cheez-it to purposely lose four games this year.

4) The REC was behind Bill Belichick's decision to go for two.

3) The REC is behind our country's recession.

2) The REC was behind James "Bond" Willis' decision to serve as an inside man for Aubarn (AL) at Alabammer... wait a minute...

1) The REC was behind the funding of this site, because they didn't want the mainstream sites such as Track 'Em Tiggers, The Aubarner, ITA(AL)T to be your number 1 source for all Barnie info!

BONUS: The REC is the reason so many Barnie students were evicted from their trailer parks and are now homeless, roaming the dilapidated streets of Aubarn (AL), and also lost their internships at McDonald's.

I didn't know the Iron Bowl National Championship was being played played in Tuscalooser this year?!?!?!?!?!

This has the makings of something illegal written all over it.

I shall be forwarding this image to I(ncomprehensible)-Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabama to turn into the NCAA. Something is not right and I smell something fishy (pun intended)...

The penalty for this is death and my gut instinct tells me the hammer will be brought down JUST BEFORE Aubarn (AL) burns down the barn on them! Alabammer had better pray the death penalty does happen because it's not gonna be 1/4 as bad as what Aubarn (AL)'s gonna do to them in the Iron Bowl National Championship!!!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man's Thoughts Aubarn (AL)'s Opening Game VS. La. Tech

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka
the only undefeated Finebaum caller.

WHAT IT IS MY FELLOW BARNIE AMIGOS? I-MAN IS BACK LIKE BRET FAVRE AND BAMMER... I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE LATTER.

ANYWHO...

YA KNOW VIRGINIA TECH IS GONNA PUT IT ON BAMMER. WHEN I SAY PUT IT ON I MEAN PUT IT ON LIKE THE NCAA DID TO THOSE CHEATING BAMMERS WHO HANDED OUT FREE CLASS CREDITS... I MEAN FREE TEXTBOOKS TO THOSE CERTAIN INDIVIDUAL PLAYERS. VIRGINIA TECH IS GONNA LAY DOWN THE LAW LIKE AUBARN (AL) DID TO THEM LAST YEAR... I MEAN LIKE UTAH DID TO THEM LAST YEAR.

VIRGINIA TECH'S GONNA SEND SABAN INTO A DRINKING FRENZY AND I'LL BET MY LIFE SAVINGS EARNED FROM MY AIR CONDITIONING BUSINESS ON THAT! BAMMERS YOU SHOULD TAKE NOTES ON HOW TO HANDLE AN OPPONENT. BY TAKING NOTES I MEAN BY WATCHING WRBL'S GAME OF THE WEEK: AUBARN AND LOUISIANA TECH. WE'RE GOING TO MANHANDLE THEM THE WAY WE MANHANDLE OUR COWS DOWN AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE IN AUBARN (AL). MAYBE OLE COACH NICK CAN ALSO TAKE SOME COACHING NOTES BECAUSE COACH CHEEZ-IT'S GONNA SCHOOL LOSER TECH WHILE VIRGINIAR TECH IS GONNA SCHOOL ALABAMMER. SO HAVE THEM NOTEPADS READY CAUSE IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT SATURDAY.

HECK IF WORST COMES TO WORST, I'M SURE COACH CHEEZ-IT WILL HAVE AN OPENING ON THE GRAD ASSISTANT STAFF THAT $ATAN MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN CAUSE AFTER VIRGINIA TECH SHUTS BAMMER OUT AND SITS EM DOWN COACH $ATAN WILL LEAVE ANYWAY.

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I THINK I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU BAMMERS. LOOK AT WHERE WE'RE AT TODAY AND WHERE Y'ALL ARE AT. Y'ALL MAY WANNA GO AHEAD AND FORFEIT THE NEXT 20 IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS JUST TO SAVE THE HEARTACHE! HEY... IT'S JUST A SUGGESTION! I'M JUST LENDING SOME FRIENDLY RIVAL ADVICE WHILE THE NIGHT'S STILL YOUNG CAUSE COME SATURDAY IT'LL BE ALL OVER FOR Y'ALL!

I'LL BE BACK TO CHECK UP ON Y'ALL WHILE WE'RE BASKING IN THE GLORY OF DEFEATING ONE OF THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS PROGRAMS IN THE COUNTRY WHILE Y'ALL ARE HANGING YOUR HEADS IN DEFEAT AFTER A CUPCAKE TEAM DESTROYS Y'ALL.

UNTIL NEXT TIME... I-MAN.... OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man's Thoughts on the Super Six Moving to Aubarn (AL)

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka
only undefeated Finebaum caller.


WHAT UP MY NIGGAZ???? HERE I COME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY: I-MAN MY MANZ!!!

YOU KNOW I CAN'T UNDERSTAND JUST WHY IN THE BLOODY HELL THE STATE OF ALABAMMER HAD TO MOVE THE SUPER SIX FROM BAMMERHAM TO TUSCALOOSER AND AUBARN (AL)?!?!?! IT SHOULD BE PLAYED EVERY YEAR IN AUBARN (AL) AND NOWHERE ELSE FOR DAMMIT'S SAKE!!! AUBARN (AL) HAS THE PRETTIEST STADIUM IN ALL THE LAND. JUST DIG THROUGH THE ARCHIVE AND READ WHAT AUBARNIE HAD TO SAY ABOUT OUR STADIUM COMPARED TO ALABAMMER'S.

WAIT A MINUTE... MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE THE BAMMER FANS CRY TOO MUCH! YEAH! THAT'S IT! ALL THEY DO IS CRY ABOUT AUBARN (AL), AUBARN (AL), AUBARN (AL). AND THE STATE OF ALABAMMER GOVERNMENT JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE DEALING WITH ALL THE BAMMER FAN CRYING. THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE I GUESS.

ANYWHO, I GUESS IT CAN SERVE A PURPOSE BECAUSE KIDS WON'T LIKE TUSCALOOSER. KIDS WANT TO COME TO A COW COLLEGE THAT'S ABOUT 4 FEET LONG, WHERE THE WELCOME TO AND NOW LEAVING SIGN IS ON THE SAME POST. KIDS WANT A COLLEGE WHERE RODEOS CONSUME MOST OF THEIR TIME. KIDS WANT A COLLEGE WHERE THEY AIN'T GOTTA DO JACK SHIT TO EARN A DEGREE! KIDS WANT TO COME TO A COLLEGE THAT AIN'T AFRAID TO EXPERIMENT ON COWS. KIDS WANT TO COME TO A COLLEGE THAT HAS ON CAMPUS BARNS AND COW PASTURES. KIDS WANT TO COME TO A COLLEGE THAT HAS FOUR BARS AND FEATURE THE BEST LOCAL COUNTRY MUSIC SINGERS IN LEE COUNTY (MY FREAKING AWESOME BAND EVEN PLAYS AT THE SKY BARn IN DOWNTOWN AUBARN (AL) EVERY NOW AND THEN)! KIDS WILL LIKE THE AUBARN EXPERIENCE. HELL THEY EVEN GET A FREE JACKED-UP TRUCK FOR COMING TO PLAY FOR US! SO IT IS A GOOD THING BABY!!!

WELL THIS CONCLUDES MY ALABAMMER RANT OF THE DAY!! I-MAN OUT BIOTCHES!!

CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

More Reasons Why Aubarn (AL) is the Most Relevant Program in the State of Alabammer -- Image Edition

1) Wire Road:

2) Incests:


4) Rodeos:



5)Racism:

6) Six Straight Iron Bowl National Championships

7) Coach Gene Cheez-it:

8) The best Stadium -- Jordan-Haire-Dye-Cow Pasture Stadium

9) The Best Monster Truck Shops For Mud-Riding:

10) The Best Fans in Lee County THE STATE OF ALABAMMER:











*Bonus* Toomer's Corner:

Barnie of the week!

The Barnie Trucker!!

All this man needs is a little Aubarn (AL) trucker hat (see Zazzle Panel to the right) to put the icing on the cake and he himself would be a certified Aubarn Man™

Sources (I(ncomprehensible)-Man and Bobby From Homewood Alabammer) tell us he was toting the finest of Jimmy Bob Ranes the Yella Fella's wood!

IT'S GREAT TO BE AN AUBARN COWGIRL! WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Alabammer To Receive Death Penalty

The NCAA has slammed the gavel down... Opelika Polytechnic Institute is changing their name to The University of Alabammer... Nick Satan's leaving (Hopefully to come coach for us)... We're taking all 12 National Titles, 21 SEC titles, 56 Bowl Appearances, 31 Bowl Wins and 39 Iron Bowl National Championship Victories... FINALLY we are ALABAMMER!

Sources (Incomprehensible-Man, and Bobby From Homewood, Alabammer have confirmed this to be true).

My fellow Barnies, it is done! After decades of envying the state's fatherly institute (Alabammer)/years of suffering from inferiority complex/years of nearly suffocating to death in the dark, unBEARable shadow cast upon us by UA, the AUbarnie's two main sources (do they seriously need an introduction again?) are reporting that the NCAA has secretly slammed the door on The University of Alabammer (as a whole) and The University is now shutting down -- for good.

Aubarn (AL) bought out all Alabammer rights and such (including their legacy), and is currently in the name-changing process going from The Alabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institute to THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMMER!

Both Incomprehensible Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabammer had this to say (simultaneously) after reporting the news: "This is better than masturbating... TO EACH OTHER!"

The reason they are closing down Alabammer is simply because they crossed the line by giving away free textbooks... Bammers try and say it's nothing compared to giving away free class credits, but that only goes to show how stupid they are!

WE ARE ALABAMMER NOW, BAMMERS! LOLOLOL! HAHAHA!

More on this piece to come...

WAR DANG EAGLE... I MEAN, ROLL TIDE ROLL HEY!

The Mt. Rushmore of Aubarn (AL)...

Tell us who your Mt. Rushmore is!

If you reside in the wonderful county of Lee, then you more than likely don't own a satellite dish or cable box, which are two new phenomenal breakthroughs in modern day technology -- especially for the technologically impaired, like us Barnies.

Anyhow, ESPN is conducting a "Mt. Rushmore" of each state... and by the way, for the state of Alabammer, tAOPI had former Heisman National Championship Winner, Bo Jackson, as one of the inductees (HA! HA! ALABAMMER, WE HAD A FOOTBALL PLAYER MAKE THE STATE'S MT. RUSHMORE AND YOU DIDN'T! HA! HA! HA!).

So, after hearing about this recent ESPN feature, I decided to come up with my own Mt. Rushmore of Aubarn (AL). As you can see in the picture listed above, the inductees are Marlboro Man, I(ncomprehensible)-Man, Coach Cheez-it, and one cow which represents the billions of cows that can be found in Lee County and on the campus of The Alabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institute (cows are one of our 157 mascots and our most notable one(s) at that).

Now, the reason I don't have good ole Aubarn Men™ like Bo, Robert Baker, Eric Ramsey, Shrug, Tuberneck, and Dyed, is simply because I don't live in the past like Bammers do. I chose modern day candidates instead of ancient candidates that most Aubarn people don't remember anymore.

With that being said, I'd like to ask you (the readers) who your choices for Aubarn (AL)'s Mt. Rushmore may be (please keep it Aubarn related in another words Nick Satan IS NOT a candidate)...

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man's Thought of the Day!

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka
only undefeated Finebaum caller.

HEY... HEY... HEY... IT'S ME, I-MAN D, LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CIT-Y... OF THE CONFEDERACY!

I'LL GO AHEAD AND GET STARTED BY TALKING ABOUT ANDRE SMITH... WHAT A GIGANTIC SACK OF SHEER PUSSY-NESS! I AIN'T NEVER IN MY LIFE SEEN OR HEARD OF A TOP PROSPECT (WHO'S OVERRATED IN MY OPINION) WALK-OUT OF AN NFL COMBINE... HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE? HE'S DEFINITELY A TRUE BAMMER AT THAT.

MY OTHER SOURCE, AND FELLOW FINEBAUM CALLER (THOUGH THIS CAT AIN'T UNDEFEATED LIKE ME), BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD, ALABAMMER, CLAIMS ALABAMMER AND NICK SATAN HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH HIM LEAVING. ACCORDING TO BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD, ALABAMMER, THE NCAA HAS ALREADY REACHED THEIR VERDICT, AND ALABAMMER IS IN SOME SERIOUS TROUBLE FOR THIS. PERSONALLY, I'M GLAD BECAUSE ALABAMMER DESERVES IT AND COACH GENE CHEEZ-IT'S GONNA MAKE SURE THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO THE GREATEST TEAM IN THE WHOLE WIDE UNIVERSE: AUBARN! UNLIKE SATAN, HE AIN'T NO CHEATER AND HE WINS LIKE A MAN AND LOSES... WELL, HE AIN'T NEVER GONNA LOSE SO HE WINS LIKE A MAN AND HE WINS FAIR AND SQUARE, DAMMIT!

I-MAN... OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man's Thoughts on The Polytechnic Institutes' Number 1 Class

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka
only undefeated Finebaum caller.

BACK IN BLACK! I HIT THE SACK, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG I'M GLAD TO BE BACK... YOOOOOO HERE I AM, LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY: I-MAN AKA YOUR NUMBER 1 SOURCE, ALONG WITH BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD, ALABAMMER ON ALL THE ALABAMMER ATHLETICS!

YOU KNOW, NICK SATAN IS A CHEATER PLAIN AND SIMPLE. YOU HEARD IT FROM ME FIRST, HIS DAYS ARE NUMBERED. NOT ONLY IS COACH CHEEZ-IT GONNA SPEW VOMIT ALL OVER HIM ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD, BUT HE'S ALSO GONNA SEND HIM PACKING ON THE RECRUITING TRAIL TOO. BY THE WAY, THAT IS BEFORE THE ALABAMMER PROGRAM IS SENTENCED TO THE DEATH PENALTY FOR CHEATING. PEOPLE WONDER HOW AND WHY NICK SATAN IS SUCH A "GOOD" RECRUITER... WELL, I'LL TELL YA RIGHT NOW IT'S BECAUSE HE CHEATS DAMMIT! HE BUYS HIS RECRUITS HAPPY MEALS FROM MCDONALD'S; HE SEDUCES THEIR MOTHERS; HELL HE EVEN TAKES THEM OUT FOR DRINKS ON OCCASION! BUT HE WON'T BE CHEATING FOR TOO MUCH LONGER BECAUSE THE NCAA IS EYEING HIM CLOSELY AND THEY'RE ALREADY TYPING UP THEIR PLOI, WHICH HE'LL BE RECEIVING HERE SHORTLY. MARK MY WORDS, IT'S COMING... I AM MY OWN SOURCE AND I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!

I-MAN IS OUT BIZITCHES! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

Nick Saban is a CHEATER!!

Sources (Incomprehensible-Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabammer) have each confirmed this to be true.

Nick Saban is a cheater; always has been, always will be. His Alabammer team is currently ranked first in the recruiting rankings according to Rivals.com but more importantly than that, it seems Trent Richardson has signed with Alabammer, instead of Florida.

Now, before you jump to conclusions, my sources (I-Man and Bobby) ARE NOT inaccurate. However, it appears they are reporting that Trent Richardson signed a $2 million dollar deal with Alabammer, and Nick Saban took a paycut for it.

I don't understand college Alabammer coaches these days. Why can't they all be honest and clean like Coach Cheez-it?

It doesn't matter, because this November, Coach Cheez-it's going to take that number 1 recruiting class and shove it up Nick Saban's arse. You can bank on that...

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man on Aubarn's Stellar Recruiting Prospects

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka

only undefeated Finebaum caller.


I-MAN IS BACK AND I'M LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY! I HOPE Y'ALL MISSED ME BECAUSE I SURE MISSED BEING HERE, EVEN THOUGH FISHING IN THE MUDDY LAKE BARFIELD WAS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE. I EVEN HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF FISHING WITH LEGENDARY AUBARN COACH, AND SKILLED CHEF, TOMMY TUBERVILLE. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW MUCH BAMMER SUCKS AND HOW GAY NICK SABAN IS. OTHER THAN THAT, WE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.


ANYWHO, LET'S TALK ABOUT ALABAMMER'S RECRUITING. LET'S TALK ABOUT NICK SATAN BEING A MASTER AT CHEATING.

FIRST OF ALL, ALABAMMER HAS ONE OF THE MOST OVERRATED RECRUITING CLASSES IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL. SECOND OF ALL, NICK SABAN IS CHEATING TO GET THOSE KIDS TO COME AND PLAY FOR ALABAMMER, ACCORDING TO A VERY RELIABLE SOURCE, AND FELLOW BARNIE AND FELLOW FINEBAUM CALLER (BUT HIS ASS AIN'T UNDEFEATED LIKE ME) BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD ALABAMMER.


BOBBY IS AUBARN'S NUMBER 1 SOURCE, SO I BELIEVE HIM. BOBBY ALSO SAYS NICK SATAN IS PLANNING ON LEAVING ALABAMMER BEFORE THE SEASON STARTS, IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE NCAA SLAPS THE CUFFS ON ALABAMMER, AGAIN, FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS DECADE.


I KNOW I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE AUBARN BRING IN A BETTER, AND CLEANER, RECRUITING CLASS THAN BAMMER IS DOING RIGHT NOW! I ALSO CAN'T WAIT TO SEE US WIN THE IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP NEXT YEAR TOO!

I-MAN.... OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!