Top Ten AU Moments of the Decade: Number 6

THE 2004 UNDEFEATED SEC CHAMPIONS AND IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!

Think again Byron...

Byron owns one of the finest BBQ pits here in Lee County (the FDA blames Byron for 90% of the Lee County population being overweight)... Byron also owns 3/4ths of the junkyards in Lee County.

This Bud is for you, Byron!

The AUbarnie song of the day...

NO TOSSING USED TOILET PAPER IN THE TREES TODAY, GANGSTERS!!!

"Southern California has been stripped of its 2004 Grantland Rice Trophy, which was awarded to the Trojans for winning the national championship that season.

However, the Football Writers Association of America (FWAA) declined to name a replacement for USC"s vacated spot.

There was some thought that Auburn might be named the 2004 national champion by the FWAA with USC being stripped of the title, and that was a scenario that was discussed. Ultimately, the FWAA decided not to name anybody."

-USC's Loss Isn't Aubarn (AL)'s Gain

Never has a school boasted so much, yet claimed so little....
-Unknown (haha)

Top Ten AU Moments of the Decade: Number 8

Number 8:

The Rise and Fall of Tommy Tuberneck


The year was 1997: by the time the season's end rolled around, Aubarn (AL) had only ONE conference victory to boast. They ultimately replaced their coach, Tator Tot Bowden (who had resigned earlier on in the season), with the head coach of the only SEC team they managed to beat that year: Tommy Tuberneck.


The Tuberneck campaign started off a little on the rocky side, however, things were soon to change as his primary competition was soon to undergo half a dozen coaching changes in nearly five years with severe NCAA sanctions to atop that... which ultimately led to this:




Things were flowing smoothly on the plains, with not even the nearest roadblock in sight until... the handcuffs were removed from around Alabama's wrists and they managed to hit a grandslam by hiring Nick Saban, which ultimately led to the demise of Tubby's Aubarn (AL) head coaching career.

Tommy Tuberneck hired at Texas Tech...

Him goes from one Tech school to another!



His success depends on whether or not Texas is sure to lose myriad scholarships over a five year period and undergoes coaching changes every other season.

WAR DAMN TEXAS TECH EAGLE HEY!!!

Top Ten AU Moments of the Decade: Number 10

To honor the soon-to-be gone decade, which was filled with variety of sorts for Aubarn (AL), I'm putting together ten of the most glorious and notable moments of the decade (in no particular order) for Aubarn (AL). Hope y'all enjoy!!!

NUMBER 10:

JETGATE!!!

In a time, far, far ago, there existed two men: Tommy Tuberneck and Bob Peterno... and three other men: David Housel, William Walker Jr., and Bob Lowder... and of course, a beastly jet!

Combine this all together and you have jetgate!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!

Old Misses Review: The Rebelz got nutted on...

...by Cheez-nuts and Aubarn (AL)!!

SPLAT!!!!!


AUBARN (AL)'S BACK IN BUSINESS BITCHES!!!

Coach Cheez-it said his main goal upon his arrival in the lovely Lee County was to beat Coach Tubby's former team, Ole Misses, to show that even he could beat Ole Misses in his first year at Aubarn (AL). He said the last three weeks were simply a trap to set Ole Misses up.... and it worked perfectly!

COACH CHEEZ-IT'S A GENIUS!



Next up on the docket is Furman, a prime-time opponent which will serve as a tough task for Lord Cheez-it (because they're so bad-ass we decided to play them instead of UCLA), but never fear we will prevail and I assure each and every Barnie in Lee County that we will dominate the perennial powerhouse known as Furman convincingly!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!

The Road Continues: Aubarn (AL) Demolishes West Virginiar

The "Country Roads" of Aubarn (AL) were just too much.... In fact, I hear they got lost down one of those backroads in Lee County on the way to the stadium!

The West Virginians REALLY enjoyed the Aubarn (AL) experience as they fit right in with Aubarn (AL)'s finest...

Barnies show their class and hospitality toward the Mountaineer nation.

The journey continued today as Aubarn (AL) DESTROYED the best team in the state of West Virginiar (and 50x better than Virginiar Tech) in a revenge game to hold on to our Opelika-Aubarn News number 1 ranking (HAHA ALABAMMER WE'RE RANKED HIGHER THAN YOU).

Coach Cheez-it said in his opening post-game presser: "Come on Tommy, even I can beat West Virginia".

West Virginiar came in ready to unleash their explosive offense, but Aubarn (AL) shut them down FORCING six turnovers and it was smooth sailing for the barn from then on out. Coach Gene Cheez-it improved his mighty all-time record to 8-19 after Saturday's blowout win over the Big East aka The Big Powerhouse Conference's powerhouse team: West Virginiar.

Heisman caliber quarterback, Jarrett Brown received the MVP of the game award as he led the Aubarn (AL) team to 24 points all by his lonesome.

Even Scarbiniensekilosy of the Bammerham news watched our game; and here's the quote of the day:

So, sure, it’s so easy to go overboard. It’s harder to mark the exact time and place when the Auburn fan base got carried away by a fresh start under a new coach, but let’s give it a shot.
The time: 7:11 p.m. on Saturday Sept. 19.

The place: The student section at Jordan-Hare Stadium. It was at that precise moment, in that general location, when a soaked and shirtless young man held aloft a t-shirt with a giddy, lofty message:

‘‘Bama Don’t Want None.”

Clearly, all that rain on the Plain had seeped into his brain. Alabama is a better team than last year, which means Alabama is one of the best teams in the nation. Again.

Bama don’t want none? Of Auburn? Are you sure?

The last time Auburn played Alabama, the Tigers didn’t score none.

Rather than taunting the Tide, it seemed like a better idea at the time to forget Nick Saban’s team and focus on his home state.

West Virginia.

Outside of Alabama, no one humiliated Auburn last season like West Virginia. Two possessions in Saturday night, Mountaineers had picked up where they left off.

It was just a joke though cause WE'RE NOT AUBSESSED WITH ALABAMMER! In fact, they're so scared right now they're obsessed with us! I'll have proof coming in the following weeks.

Next week Aubarn (AL) takes on the mighty Ball State Cardinals, WHO WENT UNDEFEATED LAST YEAR ALABAMMER! They may be 0-3 right now (with VERY CLOSE LOSSES to powerhouse teams such as North Texas, New Hampshire, and Army), but they're not a team to overlook. However, Coach Gene Cheez-it will have the Barnies ready to play. Ball State joins the likes of Louisiana-Tech, Mississippi State, and Western Virginiar as losers who all lost to Coach Gene Cheez-it and company. In addition, they only make our schedule that much tougher showing that we are that much better than Alabammer! And I want to note once more... I AIN'T OBSESSED! Just stating the facts.

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

Gene Cheez-it Wins SEC West Newbie Coach National Championship!!!

Coach Dan Mullen (secretly a bammer) said in the post-game presser, "Cheez-it cheated!" Obviously this guy has got serious issues...

The road to the national championship continued last Saturday as Aubarn (AL) pummeled fellow conference powerhouse (and not a Florida divisional school), Mississippi State (who is 2-1 against Bammer in the last three years).

Coach Cheez-it (now 7-19!), had a tough task in front of him going into a monstrous battle, Saturday night by having to work hard all week at coming up with a solution to STOPPING a Misserssippi State offense that currently EQUALS the Florider Gatorz offense. In addition, he was also battling for the SEC West Newbie Coach of the Year National Championship (HA HA BAMMER WON WON SEC WEST NEWBIE COACH OF THE YEAR NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP AND YAL'L DIDN'T!! HAHAHA!). Coach Cheez-it yet again proved to the universe that he is the best coach in terms of all aspects of coaching Saturday night by, not just blowing out one of the best teams the SEC West had to offer, but also shutting down a Florida Gator offense now turned Mississippi State Bulldawg... and also winning the SEC West Newbie Coach of the Year National Championship!

Looks like even ole Tuberneck lent Coach Cheez-it some advice on how to shut down a Florider Gator offense, now turned Misserssippi State!

Next week, Coach Cheez-it has his hands full again with an undefeated and overly extremely powerful Mountaineer squad who blew out a great coach last year, which was Tommy Tuberneck. West Virginia currently has two convincing wins over BCS powerhouses, Liberty (33-20) and ECU (35-20). I know coach Cheez-it will prevail as this will be yet another tune up game for him. Winning just ain't a problem with the Cheez-whiz!

Courtesy of CrapstoneReport.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!!

Nick Satan Hires Two New Assistants...

Does this mean Tubernecks a traitor?

Nick Satan = Classless Jerk

This video disgusts me more so than giving a cow a vasectomy does.

“This is an honor for the University of Alabama and everyone associated with the University of Alabama that we have this trophy in our possession for this year and many years to come.”

The above quote, made by Satan himself, finally answered our undying question, "Is Nick Satan classless?" Coach Tommy Tuberneck would've never stooped to making such childish comments like that. But I guess when you finally win one out of six, anything you say is acceptable to the guys who don't know a thing about winning... Just wait until Satan gets a load of The Cheez-it-nator!

GOT SIX??? WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Coach Tommy "Nostradamus" Tuberneck Schedules Another Trip To The Middle East... After Duck Hunting Season Ends!

Wonder how many losses he'll predict for us to have this season?

Tommy "Nostradamus" Tuberneck (give me credit for that name) is scheduling another trip to see our guys in the middle eastern part of the world (would that be somewhere around Athens, Georgia?) to predict how many losses the Aubarn (AL) football team has in store for us in 2009 -- of course after Duck Hunting season ends.



THE TUBERNECK COACHING AGENDA:

-Have Nick Saban administer the proverbial "foot in the ass" on the playing field... CHECK

-Have a successful duck hunting trip... CHECK

-Have Nick Saban administer the proverbial "foot in the ass" on the recruiting front... CHECK

-Travel to the middle east to accurately predict the future... CHECK



Nostradamus is standing right beside you... why don't you ask him?



IT'S GREAT TO BE AN AUBARN (AL) TIGGER... WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY AND WAR DAMN NOSTRADAMUS TUBERNECK HEY!!

The Mt. Rushmore of Aubarn (AL)...

Tell us who your Mt. Rushmore is!

If you reside in the wonderful county of Lee, then you more than likely don't own a satellite dish or cable box, which are two new phenomenal breakthroughs in modern day technology -- especially for the technologically impaired, like us Barnies.

Anyhow, ESPN is conducting a "Mt. Rushmore" of each state... and by the way, for the state of Alabammer, tAOPI had former Heisman National Championship Winner, Bo Jackson, as one of the inductees (HA! HA! ALABAMMER, WE HAD A FOOTBALL PLAYER MAKE THE STATE'S MT. RUSHMORE AND YOU DIDN'T! HA! HA! HA!).

So, after hearing about this recent ESPN feature, I decided to come up with my own Mt. Rushmore of Aubarn (AL). As you can see in the picture listed above, the inductees are Marlboro Man, I(ncomprehensible)-Man, Coach Cheez-it, and one cow which represents the billions of cows that can be found in Lee County and on the campus of The Alabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institute (cows are one of our 157 mascots and our most notable one(s) at that).

Now, the reason I don't have good ole Aubarn Men™ like Bo, Robert Baker, Eric Ramsey, Shrug, Tuberneck, and Dyed, is simply because I don't live in the past like Bammers do. I chose modern day candidates instead of ancient candidates that most Aubarn people don't remember anymore.

With that being said, I'd like to ask you (the readers) who your choices for Aubarn (AL)'s Mt. Rushmore may be (please keep it Aubarn related in another words Nick Satan IS NOT a candidate)...

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Marquies Gunn Earns Robert Baker Lifetime Achievement Award

Gunn lends us his "Robert Baker Blue Steel" pose.

It is being reported that legendary Aufarm all-star, under the Tuberneck regime, both on and off the field, was arrested last Wednesday for the unlawful distribution of the poor man's drug: cocaine. I guess cops don't understand all he was setting out to attempt was a good deed in helping others...

Robert Baker, another Aufarm all-star here in Aubarn (AL), was arrested and sent to "the big house (not Michigan's football stadium)", under similar charges years ago.... Robert Baker is now a legend and inspiration to all the youth who are aspiring to be drug dealers here in Opelika.... Robert Baker annually hands out a prestigious award known as the "Robert Baker Lifetime Achievement Award" to those who consistently do good deeds here in the ugliest village on the plains. After receiving word of Gunn's monumental achievements, Robert Baker sent him the award, first class, to the prison cell right next to him, which is currently being reserved for Mr. Gunn.

Other RBLAA winners who displayed character and class and done nothing but good deeds, under coach Tuberneck are: two time award winner, Clifton Robertson (second-degree rape; assault); Deandre Green (possession and the discharging of illegal firearm on campus) and Brandon Reed (possession and the discharging of illegal firearm on campus; illegal possession and use of stolen debit card); Lorenzo Diamond's Wife (shot Lorenzo in the stomach); Derek Magwood (robbery); Demontray Carter and Reggie Worthy (harassment); Then there's Kevin Sears, King Dunlap, and Trey Blackmon -- all whom will remain legendary Aubarn Men™ in the eyes of the Aubarn family.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY AND WAR DANG ROBERT BAKER LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD HEY!

source

Bryant-Denny Scoreboard Catches Fire...

Fire was used to help demolish the scoreboard.

It has been reported that the wildfire, eating away at The University of Alabammer's on campus stadium, Bryant-Denny Stadium, was finally put to rest yesterday (Thursday) afternoon, after months of wildly running ablaze.

Inside shot.

Sources tell us after the scoreboard was set on fire, in late November (on the 28th), which was the last home game of the season, Alabammer officials decided it would be best to allow the consumption of the fire to help destruct the scoreboard in order to expand that area of the stadium, in another failed attempt to one-up The Alabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institutes' lovely Jordan-Haire Cow Pasture Dye Stadium.

The fire was ignited on the 28th of November and was finally put to rest Thursday afternoon.

I guess things happen for a reason!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Will The Cheez-it Effect Strike Richardson???

Is that Opelika orange and blue, or Gator orange and blue?

They're calling him the next Deion Sanders. Who is he? He's Alabammer's number one recruiting prospect, Trent Richardson...

HOWEVER...

There is a catch...

Is this Deion Sanders remake man enough to play for a team, which shares the same state, as the almighty Cheez-it, or will he show he has more brains than balls by picking Florida? Sources (Incomprehensible-Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabammer) say he's all Florida.

I wonder why Cheez-it didn't go after this guy? He seems like a prime target for Albarn football. I guess Coach Cheez-it is only following in the footsteps of Coach Tuberneck: only recruit class and character over talent.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

More Aubarn recruiting updates to come...

Coach Tuberneck to the Pac-10??!!??!!??!!

I thought Coach Tubs was done with coaching?!?!?!

Just the other day, I scooted My country-ass on down to the local bar here in Opelika to watch the All-Star game, in hopes of seeing some potential Alabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institute prospects at their finest, and low and behold, as soon as I walked through the door, I seen nothing but dropped jaws -- and no, it wasn't a result of Aubarn Mayer being sentenced to life in prison for animal sodomy -- it was Coach Tuberneck, commentating the event, and even saying, "I'd like to coach in the Pac-10." It made me wonder, "Whatever happened to your master chef career?"

Is it because he knows he can win in the Pac-10 not because he knows he can't win in the SEC without the benefit of taking advantage of his primary competition's weakened state?

If Tuberneck does decide to go to the Pac-10, Pete Carroll had better submit a letter of resignation, because within a year, it'll no longer be known as "The Pac-10 Conference" but instead "The Tommy Tuberneck Conference".

The only downside is, I hear the western part of the country isn't a prime location for duck hunting. I wonder if Tuberneck knows that? If so, they conference does have The Oregon DUCKS!! Maybe he should consider giving that a shot!

I wish Coach Tubs the absolute best of luck as he ventures out into an inevitably successful career of coaching in the Pac-10. I'll keep y'all posted on any breaking news regarding Tubs' future.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man on Aubarn's Stellar Recruiting Prospects

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka

only undefeated Finebaum caller.


I-MAN IS BACK AND I'M LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY! I HOPE Y'ALL MISSED ME BECAUSE I SURE MISSED BEING HERE, EVEN THOUGH FISHING IN THE MUDDY LAKE BARFIELD WAS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE. I EVEN HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF FISHING WITH LEGENDARY AUBARN COACH, AND SKILLED CHEF, TOMMY TUBERVILLE. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW MUCH BAMMER SUCKS AND HOW GAY NICK SABAN IS. OTHER THAN THAT, WE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.


ANYWHO, LET'S TALK ABOUT ALABAMMER'S RECRUITING. LET'S TALK ABOUT NICK SATAN BEING A MASTER AT CHEATING.

FIRST OF ALL, ALABAMMER HAS ONE OF THE MOST OVERRATED RECRUITING CLASSES IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL. SECOND OF ALL, NICK SABAN IS CHEATING TO GET THOSE KIDS TO COME AND PLAY FOR ALABAMMER, ACCORDING TO A VERY RELIABLE SOURCE, AND FELLOW BARNIE AND FELLOW FINEBAUM CALLER (BUT HIS ASS AIN'T UNDEFEATED LIKE ME) BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD ALABAMMER.


BOBBY IS AUBARN'S NUMBER 1 SOURCE, SO I BELIEVE HIM. BOBBY ALSO SAYS NICK SATAN IS PLANNING ON LEAVING ALABAMMER BEFORE THE SEASON STARTS, IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE NCAA SLAPS THE CUFFS ON ALABAMMER, AGAIN, FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS DECADE.


I KNOW I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE AUBARN BRING IN A BETTER, AND CLEANER, RECRUITING CLASS THAN BAMMER IS DOING RIGHT NOW! I ALSO CAN'T WAIT TO SEE US WIN THE IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP NEXT YEAR TOO!

I-MAN.... OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

Barnie of the week!!!

Ladies and gents, this week's award goes to...

THE TAILGATER!

The tailgater is a master chef, much like the newly promoted Master Chef Tuberneck, who specializes in serving the finest (fried) Wire Road possum you'll find in this side of Lee County! Next time you're touring through the loveliest little trailer park in Opelika, be sure to give this guy a ring just so you can try a free sample of (fried) Wire Road possum! I can assure you it'll be an experience you'll never forget, much like The Opelika Experience (could I get a copyright on that one please?)!

One thing I'm going to reccermend toThe Tailgater, next time I see him is raw lizard. This Barnie surely seemed to enjoy it! Now we'll just have to wait and see what the ole' Tailgater can come up with, with a fried lizard! I'm definitely looking forward to that!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Help The Alabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institute Defend its Cheap Shot National Title!!!

Out of the darkness comes the Knight... IT'S CHAZ RAMSEY BIOTCHES!

ATTENTION FELLOW BARNIE FAMILY: A fellow Aubarn player and true Aubarn Man™, Chaz Ramsey (pictured above), aka winner of the 2007 Wizard of Odd's Cheap Shot National Championship Trophy, is in the running for the same award in 2008.

Please do your part as a member of the Aubarn family by voting for Chaz as we all know, such an honorable award as this (almost as honorable as the Barnie of the week award) will only help better the career, class, and character of an already classy guy, overflowing with genuine sportsmanship, in his career.

You can do so by clicking this mother freakin' sentence right here!!!

HURRY AND VOTE! Chaz is currently in the lead, so do your part in helping it remain that way!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!