Top Five Reasons Aubarn (AL) is BACK in 2009...

1) Coach Gene Cheez-it.
Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. A man who single-handedly won 2 BCS Championships and won three consecutive Iron Bowl National Championships... not as a head coach, but AS A FREAKIN' DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR!!! A man who succeeded another man who led his program (Iowa State) to five bowl games from 2000-2005. A man who was humbly defeated by national powerhouses such as Kent State, Northern Iowa, UNLV, and Toledo and still lived to coach another down. A man who wasn't afraid to criticize the current establishment when he was forced to leave the lovely Aubarn (AL). A man who is now Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. The first reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009!

2) Quarterback Chris Todd... the new and improved version.
Aubarn (AL)'s current starting quarterback. A man of confidence. A true team player. A leader. A man who knows how to lead his team to victory. A man with two SEC victories as a QB on his resume. A man who obliterated fellow conference powerhouse Mississippi State scoring a jaw-dropping 3 points. A man who shellacked Louisiana-Monroe--a team that defeated Alabammer, our Iron Bowl National Championship opponent. A man who posted an impressive -63 yards rushing in 2008. A man who wasn't pansy enough to play with a hurt shoulder in 2008. The second reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009.

3) Coach Otis Franklin Arthur Gustav Malzahn III.
Aubarn (AL)'s current offensive coordinator/spread guru. The sequel! Much like Coach Cheez-it, a man who single-handedly led Arkansas and Tulsa to conference championship games. A man who was able to score TWICE against a prime powerhouses such as USC AND WISCONSIN. A messiah whose promise is to live up to Coach Otis Franklin's broken expectations. A man who knows the spread the way I know how to wipe my ass (in fact his book made for some damn good toilet paper). A man of offensive wisdom. A man who'll be coaching both Kodi Burns and Chris Todd in the SAME OFFENSE SIMULTANEOUSLY! The third reason why Aubarn (AL) wins it all in 2009!

4) Bammer's Probation.
Aubarn (AL)'s big brother. Not to sound obsessed, because I'm not (in fact I don't care about Bammer at all as they're by no means a threat to Aubarn (AL) anymore), but they're back on probation once again. Last time they were put on probation, it benefited Aubarn (AL) immensely. And with an even better coaching staff and talent on hand, their current downfall will benefit us times two compared to the last! The third reason Aubarn (AL) wins this m'fer in 2009!

5) Jay Jacobs.
STILL Aubarn (AL)'s athletic director. A man who's not afraid to fire one coach and swing for the fences for the next. A man who pin-pointed out Coach Cheez-it and convinced him that it would be wise to coach at Aubarn (AL). A man who's not afraid to laugh at UCLA's challenge and piss on it by replacing them with Division 9-A high-school powerhouses such as Furman, Tennessee-Chattanooga, and Arkansas State. A man who is more intelligent than Bammer's Mal Moore. A man who has Bobby Lowder and Jimmy Bob Ranes by the strings. The fifth and final reason Aubarn (AL) shall control the college football universe in 2009.


Combine the five together and you have a recipe for championship.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Top Five Reasons Why Aubarn (AL) is THE MOST Relevant School in the State of Alabammer

Greetings my fellow Barnie family brothers and sisters and cousins! A very legendary blog author and certified Aubarn Man™ (and son of the Mayor of one of the most prestigious and breathtaking towns, second to Aubarn (AL), Phenix City, AL), Jay Coulter, recently posted a "Top Five Reasons Why Alabammer is Not Relevant" list. What my good buddy Jay failed to post is a "Top Reasons Why Aubarn (AL) is relevant". So allow me to do it for you, my brother Jay!

1) Probation-Probation-Probation: Aubarn (AL) leads the state in breaking the rules. Alabammer comes in second (as alwayz). From the early days of Shrug (our Bear Bryant but only better) to the modern days of handing out free-class credits so that our players remain eligible and chop blocking, we're still number 1 in the state of Alabammer when it comes to breaking the rules. We are professional cheaters; Alabammer is just a bunch of wannabes. Therefore, probation ain't an unfamiliar word down here in cow-ville.

2) Success: The Iron Bowl National Championship game began in 2002. Since it's inception, Aubarn (AL) joined the legendary ranks of LSU, Tennersee, Georgia, Ole Miss, Mississippi State, UCF, Louisiana-Monroe, Northern Illinois, and Hawaii by defeating Alabammer six straight years, during Alabama's strongest period in modern history and for the most part under the guidance of the greatest coach in the history of their program: Mike Shula (who was even greater than Coach Cheez-it admittedly)! Prior to 2002, Aubarn (AL) never played Alabammer in football. So the overall record is 6-1, in Aubarn (AL)'s favor. I should also note that Alabammer had the refs on their side in 2008.

3) Coaching: While Alabammer had to pay big money to lure away a coach who posted 15-17 record in the NFL, Aubarn (AL) had an assembly line of coaches lined up, on their knees, performing all types of far-fetched pleads to get the job. In the end, we managed to hire the winningest coach in modern day college football history: Gene Cheez-it. Sad thing is, we got him for 1/4 of the price that Alabammer got Satan for. Other leading candidates were: Steve Spurrier (too old and he DID NOT turn us down), Turner Gill (not interested in minority candidates), Rudy (not interested in them damn yankees), Will Mushroom (worked for Satan meaning he'd suck; and he DID NOT turn us down), and Jimbo Fischer (worked for Satan meaning he'd suck; and he DID NOT turn us down).

4) The Bear: At Alabammer, they evolve around their ancient history, legacy, tradition, and a previous coach. At Aubarn (AL) we strictly evolve around one thing: Alabammer so that we'll have a proper gameplan going into that season's Iron Bowl National Championship. What's worse, evolving around history, legacy and tradition, or evolving around another team? It definitely ain't the latter I can tell you that much!

5) Relevance: People talk about Aubarn (AL) so much, they often mistake our school as being from another state!

Click on image to enlarge.

In the final analysis, Aubarn (AL) is the all around bestest football program in the nation. We have the best fans, the best cows, the best on-campus cow pastures and barns, the best trailer parks, the best ghettos, the best stadium, the best county and city, the best neighboring city (Opelika), the best rodeos, the best mud-riding pits, and lastly the best traditions and elite fraternity in the state! PS: We ain't even as racist as the outsiders make us out to be!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Otis Franklin Hired at Middle Tennersee

Award winning novelist, Otis Franklin cleans out his office in Opelika.

It's official: Otis Franklin is now the offensive coordinator of Middle Tennersee (why do us Barnies have a hard time pronouncing state names and the word "tomater") aka one of the many teams we destroyed during the 2008 campaign.

Otis, known for his articulate writing skills and phenomenal offensive coaching ability, defeated Louisiana-Monroe (HA HA ALABAMMER WE BEAT THEM AND Y'ALL DIDN'T), Southern Miss, Tennersee, along with a breathtaking victory over western division powerhouse: Mississippi (said that one right) State!

Personally, I think Otis is one of the greatest offensive coordinators EVER, even better than fatty Al and Arthur Gustav Malzahn III. Too bad he's not with us anymore; however, it's comforting to know we have Eugene Cheez-it heading our program, so we'll be just fine!

WAR DAMN SPREAD EAGLE!