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A-Day Revyou: AUBARN (AL) WINS!!!!

AUtards bring their footballs, programs, and laptops in hopes of having Cameron "Walks on Water" Newton autograph them.

Word on the street is autographed Cam Newton laptops are a real steal these day...

The Messiah aka Cam Newton made his Aubarn (AL) playing debut last Saturday at A-Day, living up to the hype and setting a new standard for SEC quarterbacks by overwhelmingly going 3 for 8 on Saturday!

The red carpet was rolled out for Cameron, by his reliable slaves, Coach Gene Cheez-it and Coach Arthur, as he snuck onto the field like a thief in the night, lighting the field up with his super powerful laptop snatching arm, and then returned to his kingdom (the world's first ever quadruple wide on Wire Road), where his driveway is actually paved... IN CEMENT and he has a screened in porch!

After putting on a quarterback clinic by brilliantly piling up the passing attempt numbers, Cam "Jesus" Newton's sheer awesomeness left Coach Cheez-it and Arthur so stunned, it literally sent them into a state of catatonia... which would explain why the clock never stopped running in the second half.

Aubarn (AL) fans came from all over Lee County and Wire Road, SELLING OUT THE LOWER BOWL LEVEL to get a live-action glimpse of the savior himself (and fortunately enough were not advised to park at the hay fields this year).

"My eyes... My eyes... the greatness radiating from every pore in our Master's body has blinded me!" Yeller Feller said.

A fellow resident of Wire Road had this to say: "He's my hero, my rock, and my inspiration. Me and my sheep slash lover, Cootus jumped in the pick-up and drove 25 miles to Columbus, GA just so we could steal us one of them wap-tops. Seeing a wap-top in person was a sight to behold, but seeing savior Cameron is just unexplainable... I brought mine with me cause me wants my new lord to sign it," Richie Dong said.

Sadly enough, Aubarn (AL) fans will have to wait until the Fall before they can see the Messiah perform again, but we're all a patient bunch... after all, we're still waiting on our 1 1/2 national championship and have been patiently waiting since 1957!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

Top Five Reasons Aubarn (AL) is BACK in 2009...

1) Coach Gene Cheez-it.
Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. A man who single-handedly won 2 BCS Championships and won three consecutive Iron Bowl National Championships... not as a head coach, but AS A FREAKIN' DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR!!! A man who succeeded another man who led his program (Iowa State) to five bowl games from 2000-2005. A man who was humbly defeated by national powerhouses such as Kent State, Northern Iowa, UNLV, and Toledo and still lived to coach another down. A man who wasn't afraid to criticize the current establishment when he was forced to leave the lovely Aubarn (AL). A man who is now Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. The first reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009!

2) Quarterback Chris Todd... the new and improved version.
Aubarn (AL)'s current starting quarterback. A man of confidence. A true team player. A leader. A man who knows how to lead his team to victory. A man with two SEC victories as a QB on his resume. A man who obliterated fellow conference powerhouse Mississippi State scoring a jaw-dropping 3 points. A man who shellacked Louisiana-Monroe--a team that defeated Alabammer, our Iron Bowl National Championship opponent. A man who posted an impressive -63 yards rushing in 2008. A man who wasn't pansy enough to play with a hurt shoulder in 2008. The second reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009.

3) Coach Otis Franklin Arthur Gustav Malzahn III.
Aubarn (AL)'s current offensive coordinator/spread guru. The sequel! Much like Coach Cheez-it, a man who single-handedly led Arkansas and Tulsa to conference championship games. A man who was able to score TWICE against a prime powerhouses such as USC AND WISCONSIN. A messiah whose promise is to live up to Coach Otis Franklin's broken expectations. A man who knows the spread the way I know how to wipe my ass (in fact his book made for some damn good toilet paper). A man of offensive wisdom. A man who'll be coaching both Kodi Burns and Chris Todd in the SAME OFFENSE SIMULTANEOUSLY! The third reason why Aubarn (AL) wins it all in 2009!

4) Bammer's Probation.
Aubarn (AL)'s big brother. Not to sound obsessed, because I'm not (in fact I don't care about Bammer at all as they're by no means a threat to Aubarn (AL) anymore), but they're back on probation once again. Last time they were put on probation, it benefited Aubarn (AL) immensely. And with an even better coaching staff and talent on hand, their current downfall will benefit us times two compared to the last! The third reason Aubarn (AL) wins this m'fer in 2009!

5) Jay Jacobs.
STILL Aubarn (AL)'s athletic director. A man who's not afraid to fire one coach and swing for the fences for the next. A man who pin-pointed out Coach Cheez-it and convinced him that it would be wise to coach at Aubarn (AL). A man who's not afraid to laugh at UCLA's challenge and piss on it by replacing them with Division 9-A high-school powerhouses such as Furman, Tennessee-Chattanooga, and Arkansas State. A man who is more intelligent than Bammer's Mal Moore. A man who has Bobby Lowder and Jimmy Bob Ranes by the strings. The fifth and final reason Aubarn (AL) shall control the college football universe in 2009.


Combine the five together and you have a recipe for championship.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Barnie of the week!

The Barnie Trucker!!

All this man needs is a little Aubarn (AL) trucker hat (see Zazzle Panel to the right) to put the icing on the cake and he himself would be a certified Aubarn Man™

Sources (I(ncomprehensible)-Man and Bobby From Homewood Alabammer) tell us he was toting the finest of Jimmy Bob Ranes the Yella Fella's wood!

IT'S GREAT TO BE AN AUBARN COWGIRL! WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Paying Homage to Tommy Tuberneck aka THE Greatest Coach EVER!

It's official dysfunctional Barnie family, Thomas Hawley Tuberneck has been shitcanned out of Opelika.

His last words to his wife, before leaving was, "Chain the tires to the roof, hitch the ball to the trailer 'cause our butts are OUT of this cow-town!"

Ladies and gentlemen of the Barnie jury, today is a sad very sad day in Aubarn history.

In honor of our greatest coach ever, I'm going to pay homage to the coach who delivered us six straight national championships from 02-07.

Coach Tuberneck holds up five fingers signifying his third straight national championship victory over Alabammer.

In the winter of 1954, Mr. and Mrs. Tuberneck senior had a little happy time in the back of their old Ford pickup truck, nine months later they conceived a child by the name Thomas Hawley Tuberneck. After growing up in an uncivilized small town community in the middle of Nowhere, Arkansas, not having much of nothing (which is why I think Aubarn feels like home to him), he decided he wanted to be a head coach when he grew up.

Young Coach Tuberneck always knew when to take opposing offenses to the woodshed.

In 1997, he took his first head coaching job at The University of Mississippi, or colloquially known as Ole Miss. Under Tuberneck, in five years, Tuberneck led the Ole Miss to a 25-20 record, and an even more impressive 12-20 SEC record, which is lightyears away from what them there Rebels are accustomed to.

Tuberneck at Ole Miss (before the gray hair appeared). Boy, little Tubby sure was as cute as a button back then!

In late 1998, Aubarn polytech was struggling and luckily for us, Tuberneck agreed to step down from Ole Miss to take over the struggling Polytechnic Institute, succeeding Tator Tot Bowden. In 1998, we successfully hired the head coach of the only SEC team we managed to beat that year, which of course, was Tommy Tuberneck--and we brought him here in one of YellaMan's very own, pressure treated pine(wood)box.

Tuberneck's PineBox provided by YellaWood pressure treated pinewood company.

Tuberneck gets his "ducks in a row" by arranging his first annual Tuberneck Duck Hunting Memorial Hunt at Aufarm in 1998.

In his first year at Aubarn Tech, he overachieved leading the struggling Opelika Cowgirls to a remarkable and unforgettable 5-6 record. What was even better was knowing Tuberneck had a little trouble competing with the bammers' self proclaimed "fatherly institute." But good news was starting to peak: Alabammer was playing Russian Roulette with the NCAA, and the NCAA took them Bammerz DOWN!

The sheep, fanz, playerz, administration, students, and Wire Road inhabitants all rejoiced over Tuberneck's sheer awesomeness!

This meant, Tuberneck could do all the duck hunting he wanted in the offseason, and still beat Alabammer in recruiting!

So, Alabammer was slammed with perhaps the worst NCAA sanctions known to mankind (thanks to Tuberneck's rare coaching skills) and Tuberneck's skills also forced them to go through five different coaches.

Despite his true greatness, he took it easy on the NCAA and coaching beleaguered Alabammer team, only owning them six times in a row.

Nostradamus Tuberneck, the true American hero that he is, displays how many losses we'd have in the '08 campaign.

Even fellow Barnies showed up to the Alabammer/Clemson (who we also beat) game (cause it was more important) to support Tuberneck's/Nostradamus' preseason predictions.

But all good things must come to an end. In the preseason of 2008, Tuberneck, the modern day nostradamus that he is, knew we'd lose seven games. He even displayed it on hand (literally) in the preseason, and even before our final game of the year, which was against Alabammer for the National Championship.

Age (not the return of Alabammer) got the best of Ole' Tuberneck.

That sure is an ugly crimson-colored scoreboard!

Unfortunately, due to his age AND NOT BECAUSE ALABAMMER IS BACK, he lost seven games, which was the most he'd lost since before Alabama's program fell apart his first year at The Polytechnic Institute.

After Alabammer cheated to beat him 36-0, due to age (and not the fact that he couldn't compete with the machine across the state), Tuberneck felt it was best to step down. And because our Aufarm Board of Trustees are so genuinely kind, they handed him his hush moneybuyout because they felt "it was the right thing to do."

The osmose yella wood fella hands Tuberneck his hush money buyout because "it was the right thing to do."

Now, we're without a coach, but never fear Aubarn faithful, we've had a history of hiring proven cheaterswinners such as Shrug, Dye, Tator, Brother Bill, and Tuberneck. I'm quite certain... no, POSITIVE, our next hire will be an even better hire than Tuberneck was.

Tuberneck holding all the BCS National Championships he won in his career as a head coach.

*Tuberneck over the years*

7-7 all-time versus Alabammer, but he won six straightnot during a time of which they underwent NCAA sanctions and the changing of a head coach every 2-3 years.

35-33 overall record and 16-32 record in SEC play OUTSIDE OF Alabammer's worst years85-40 in ten years as Polytechnic head coach.

1 SEC title in 14 years, which is good considering this is the toughest conference in the universe, and that Nick Saban had to cheat to win two SEC titles in five years at LSWho?.

2004 OPELIKA FARMER'S MARKET NATIONAL CHAMPIONS where Tuberneck didn't cheat to defeat LSU by 1 point, didn't allow his players to cheat in Sociology class so that they could remain eligible to play football, didn't struggle with an injury-plagued Alabama team, and didn't win a nailbiter over Virginia Tech in the Sugar bowl by 3 points.

Tuberneck was also featured on the cover of one of the most prestigious magazines in all of the universe, which was a direct shot at Nick Saban after he was featured on the cover of some irrelevant second-rate magazine in the preseason of Tuberneck's last year.
Tuberneck featured on the cover of Second Fiddle Magazine, courtesy of gump4heisman.

And Six* straight National Championship wins over Alabammer.

You think Master Chef Tuberneck is retiring? Think again...

Tuberneck gets to work at his new job at the War eagle Supper Club.

Tuberneck recently started his new job as a cook at the Supper Club here in Opelika. He has previous experience in fish frying and his resume was so overly overwhelming, the Supper Club hired him immediately.

We, here at the AUbarnie Blog wish him the absolute best of luck in the culinary industry.

WE'LL MISS YOU COACH, TUBERNECK!