I(ncomprehensible)-Man Returns...

And him's bringing the Mountain Man Band along with hims!

Do you have a thirst for Incomprehensible Man's dizzy logic?

Are you hungry for some blind Incomprehensible Man commentary?

Are you unable to listen to his ongoing nonsense on the Paul Finebaum show?

Do you miss Incomprehensible Man's weekly ya ya just as much as you miss the girl/guy who took your virginity?

If the aforementioned applies to you, well you're in luck because Incomprehensible Man IS BACK and he has a letter to all of the faithful Aubarn (AL) Men and Women and children and pets:

WAZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUP!!! HERE I COME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY: I-MAN MY ALBURN PEEPS!!!

FORGIVE MY HIATUS BUT I-MAN HAS BEEN ON A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY BITCHES! THAT'S RIGHT, ONE DAY UPON AWAKENING I DECIDED I HAD ENOUGH AND IT WAS TIME FOR A CHANGE. SO I LOADED UP MY PICKUP WITH RAMEN NOODLES AND VIENNA SAUSAGES AND BUD LIGHT AND PULLED OUT THE DRIVEWAY. THEN... MY FUCKING TRUCK BROKE DOWN NOT EVEN FIVE MILES FROM THE HOUSE. SO THEN, I BEGAN TO WALK. SOME CALL IT A LABOR OF LOVE, AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS. I WAS WALKING BECAUSE I LOVE AUBARN. MY DESTINATION: THE GREAT BEYOND AKA INDIANAPOLIS INDIANA.

NOW WHY WAS I WALKING ALL THE WAY TO INDIANAPOLIS INDIANA? DUHHHH TO DELIVER EVIDENCE OF ALABAMMER CHEATING. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. ANYWAY, LONG STORY SHORT, I DID IN FACT MAKE IT TO INDIANAPOLIS BUT THE FREAKING NCAA HEADQUARTERS WERE CLOSED, AND I WAS STUCK INT HE POURING RAIN BUT I DID THE SMART THING AND LEFT THE LETTER ON THE DOORSTEP.

SO ANY DAY NOW THE NCAA WILL DELIVER THE HAMMER ON ALABAMMER AND I'LL BE HERE TO REPORT IT TO YOU FIRST BECAUSE I-MAN IS BACK BIOTCHES AND HOES!!!!

IN THE MEANTIME, YOU CAN CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

I didn't know the Iron Bowl National Championship was being played played in Tuscalooser this year?!?!?!?!?!

This has the makings of something illegal written all over it.

I shall be forwarding this image to I(ncomprehensible)-Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabama to turn into the NCAA. Something is not right and I smell something fishy (pun intended)...

The penalty for this is death and my gut instinct tells me the hammer will be brought down JUST BEFORE Aubarn (AL) burns down the barn on them! Alabammer had better pray the death penalty does happen because it's not gonna be 1/4 as bad as what Aubarn (AL)'s gonna do to them in the Iron Bowl National Championship!!!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!

BREAKING NEWS: Inside The Aubarn (AL) TIgerz Reports Bammer IS behind the Aubarn (AL) referee conspiracy!!!

Source (must have a Scout.com account to view)

Looks like I(ncomprehensible)-Man was right!

Folks, what you about to read is the truth. We're talking UFO, Bigfoot, and Aubarn (AL) winning the national championship in '09 truth!!! Enjoy...

"The zebras have hammered Auburn for three straight games, and while many calls were earned, just as many were bogus--and much more destructive than the earned ones. That is unprecedented in all my years of watching SEC football. The very fact that the SEC office all but admitted corruption by saying the "call wasn't there" last week in the Ark -FL game (and then suspending the refs), convinces me of the obvious--the problem is conference-wide, if not NCAA-wide. In this day and age of hard times and economic insecurity, there are many obvious motives to tamper with the games. The most hard to believe motive, however, sould be that in our case the Red Elephants DO NOT WANT AU to succeed with what might be an incredible recruiting class. Call me whatever you want. I don't give a damm, but I've never seen such purposeful calls AGAINST a specific team, and would say so if the target were Alabama or Tennessee. And while you are riding your high horse and shouting "bl;ack helicopters," stop for just a moment to explain to me why this has been going on the past three weeks. One thing's for sure, no matter how you do it, put early legal pressure on a team and in a game of talented athletes critical plays, and you can orchestrate outcome. It' ain't, as they say, rocket science.Alabama may well be the only program in the country that would go so far, but when you have them on retainer, they might as well earn their $$ when you aren't playing. Again, I don't give a rat's rear end what anybody thinks, but this is new ground even for SEC refs. -Mrkgreen"

"So what will happen with #2??

 

We can overcome #1, but unless there is some investigation not #2. -AUdreamer"

"There has never been any thing that resembles what passes for SEC officiating.  While I have zero proof, I cannot help believe my own eyes. Cheating is the word that applies. The University of Alabama (the corruption goes all the way to the top) will do anything to win and to damage Auburn.  They are a mafia type organization, and they have people in high places who are mafia connected.  I've said it before and I will say it again, if they will pay $200,000 for a fat defensive lineman from Memphis, who else will they pay?  There are also other ways to affect people's actions other than bribes.  Pressure can be brought in many ways.  The SEC will do nothing.  If the NCAA doesn't act, nothing will change. -CaptainWonderful"

"Penny wise and dollar foolish. Perhaps. They may kill the golden goose yet. But unless the fan base turns its nose to pre-determined outcomes, you are right. People love their fantasies. -Mrkgreen"

"I would happily donate $10K towards private investigators if something really came of it - I kid you not.  And I can afford it. -AUdreamer"

"Although I've disagreed with some of your positions in the past, we are in total agreement  on point #2. Many of our fans, particularly the younger ones, have no idea the lengths bama will go to to not only insure the success of their program, but the failure of ours -BigAquila"

"I really, really hate to admit this, Mark, but I have felt the same way about #2.  alabama was having a GREAT first half of the season, and the story (at least where I am) was Auburn, Chizik, Trooper Towels, get on the Gus Bus, etc.  There was big time momentum in recruiting.  Big Cat weekend, Tiger Prowl, etc. didn't "scare" anybody, but it sent a message that this staff came to play - and they have.  One alabama HS coach (who is also an alabama fan) was quoted as saying he had not seen much of AU coaches in the last couple years, "but Luper and Trooper are EVERYWHERE!"  (he didn't use those names exactly, they are under bama's skin so bad that they have 'earned' nicknames, but that is who he was talking about).

 

They had to find a way to help stop it.  To  kill the momentum.

 

Knowing how they operate, I believe they decided after the AU-West Virginia game that enough was enough, and the wheels were turning.  Don't forget, these officials do have regular jobs.  This is not their primary job.

 

I am telling you they want to BURY us off the field and leave nothing to chance.  For some reason - even with a rock star head coach - they are not satisfied with good old 'mano y mano' competition on and off the field.  Despite perception, Auburn has more than held its own when all things were 'equal'.  They want to leave nothing to chance. - TIGRRR"

"Point #2 isdead on!!! I have never seen so many zebra flags against AU that were flat out fraud.

 

Notice every single time UT crossed the bammer 30; there was a flag? -theagent39"

"The first thing I said was that I have zero proof.  Secondly it would be very difficult to prove.  Cash handled properly does not leave a paper trail, and their are other ways of motivating, including threats and blackmail.  I am not just talking about Auburn playing poorly either.  Did you see the Florida - Arkansas game?  I cannot go out and investigate.  I have neither the means or the knowhow.  Neither am I Sherlock Holmes, Thomas Magnum, or Jim Rockford.  Believe what you want, but open your eyes and observe. -CaptainWonderful"

"... the truth is that there were at least 5 or 6 KEY penalties that were called against us OR not called against LSU that were the difference between a close game and a 21-point loss.  The craziest thing I saw was early in the game they called our DB for "unneccessary roughness". OK fine, so I guess the refs are being overly protective of the players. But later in the 2nd quarter an LSU DB not only led with his helmet, he hit Blake helmet-to-helmet... but no call???? And that was just one no-call/bad call out of at least 5 or 6 others.  It boggles the mind. Had the refs not blown so many calls, I think the chances are great that the score would have been tied 7-7 at halftime.  No doubt we would have played better had we been tied rather than being down 17-0. -FrostyMuggs"

"I agree with everything stated in the original post. -AUTE91"

"This is hardlly just about Auburn.  An undefeated bama vs an underfeated Florida in the SEC championship game will produce huge dollars.  It's really pretty simple. -CaptainWonderful"

"yes our team is bad, but if anyone thinks bammer would not do what Mark Green and other people suggested with the refs, then you are living in a bubble.  Bammer is the most corrupt program ever.  They declared war on Auburn after the 6 in a row.  They will do whatever it takes. -autiger288"

"I try not to get to caught up in conspiracy theories and all that with refs and their bad calls, but for whatever reason they sure have stunk something terrible the last few games, all AU loses. -bcox4life"

ITA(AL)T does have a point! It was the officiating that cost us the nail-biter Saturday night... and why? Eight simple letters: BAMMER!

Sources Bobby From Homewood, Alabammer and I(ncomprehensible)-Man are reporting Alabama will be receiving a PLOI in three weeks and they will receive the death penalty plus all of their male fans will be castrated for this!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY AND WAR DAMN DEATH PENALTY HEY!

PROOF: ALABAMMER CHEATS! PROOF! PROOF! PROOF!

You Bammers say you want proof? WELL HERE IT IS!!!!

There has been an extreme rash of duct tape stealin' going on here in Lee County. That's my girlfriends sun pictured in the above photo, sporting the last of the duct tape here in Lee County as duct tape can be used for anything... even a diaper!

TOLD YAL'L ALABAMMER CHEATS!

Well folks, not only does Alabammer cheat, but they're a bunch of cheating, lying, thieves as well! I think we know who the Lee County Duct Tape Bandit is... IT'S LEIGH TIFFIN!

A local here in the AU trailer park told reporters several weeks back that she saw Leigh Tiffin running around the trailer park... and it looks like she was right! "I saw Leigh Tiffin running around like a chicken with his head cut off. He impregnated me. We have a child. Our child is Beonce" Gale Jimboson from Wire Road Lot East told reporters two weeks ago. What was he doing running around OUR TRAILER PARKS? Answer: stealing duct tape and impregnating our beautiful women! What's he using the duct tape for? Spotting the mark of the ball WHICH IS CHEATING! CHEATING! CHEATING! I TOLD YALL THEY WERE CHEATERS AND THIS IS THE PROOF!!!

Sources Incomprehensible-Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabammer are reporting that Alabama is now facing lawsuits from Aubarn (AL) and is also facing yet another death penalty for this and the walls are closing in as they are expected to receive the death penalty sometime this week, before the Alabammer/Tennursee game. It's too bad they won't get to see us shit-can them this year!

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY! AND WAR DAMN CHEATERS NO!

Operation: Backfire Update... Somebody had better get Curtis Anderson on the phone QUICK!

Sourch: Harris to be reinstated after six game suspension

News broke today that Alabammer's Jerrell Harris is going to be reinstated in two weeks according to bammer coach Nick $atan. For us Barnies, this is NOT good news.

I hope the Aubarn (AL) boosters have gotten wind of this so they can bribe Curtis Anderson into maybe luring ole' Jerrell back into another trap in hopes of derailing Alabammer's program once again.

Even though the plan failed... at least they have no clue that the Aubarn (AL) boosters are the source of all this mambo jumbo! ROUND TWO HERE WE GO!

No word on whether he has read my open letter to him or not.

The Difference Between Alabammer and Aubarn (AL)...

Eager to know the difference between Alabammer and Aubarn (AL)? The answer lies just below in the pictures...

"S" the coach...

"S" The Sanctioned...

Bear Bryant Obsession...

Bear Bryant AUbsession...

The Start of a New Legacy...

The Start of a New Legacy (Barnie version)...

Got 12...

Got 12...

Alabammer at ESPN's Gameday...

Aubarn (AL) at Alabammer's ESPN Gameday...



Aubarn (AL) on ESPN's Gameday...


Parole Tide...

Even Saban Predicts Seven...

Other classic Barnie Gameday signs worth noting (couldn't find the pics): TERRANCE CODY IS FAT; $ $ATAN $; SARAH JESSICA PARKER WILSON; GOT SIX?

WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!!!

Operation: Backfire... The AUbarnie's Letter to Curtis Anderson

Don't tell the Bammers, but our Operation Derail has backfired!

Dear Curtis Anderson,

As a sincere and lifelong Aubarn (AL) fan, I must commend you on your complete dedication and focus on derailing the tracks that The University of Alabammer AT Tuscalooser is currently on -- as well as being brave enough to be the soul middle man for the Aubarn (AL) boosters when nobody else would do it.

When the top-secret news broke across Aubarn (AL) message boards all across the net that Aubarn (AL) boosters promised to get Alabammer back by signing all of the states top recruits (and cheating as well... after all who wouldn't want to attend four years at Aubarn (AL) ?) -- namely Jerrell Harris, Barnies all across Lee County celebrated in unison. We rolled Toomer's Corner and even threw a "Get 'em back" rodeo in further celebration.

Now, it has come to my attention that Bammers are starting to gain suspicion of our attempts to destroy their program, bringing them down to our level of greatness. After reporting that Robert Witt flew to the NCAA headquarters to speak with the NCAA -- a president wouldn't fly to talk about a player's eligibility, Bammers getting the Alabammer Attorney General involved, and someone spilling the beans that you're wife is an avid Barnie, and your son currently attends school here at Aubarn (AL), the plan has back-fired.

Here are a few solutions from keeping Aubarn (AL) out of trouble: 1) Tell them you're secretly working for The University of Alabammer AND NOT Aubarn (AL) boosters. 2) Tell your wife to change her allegiance (temporarily) and enroll your son at Alabammer (temporarily). 3) Get the Aubarn (AL) boosters to lend you enough cash to buy ALL of the Alabama players Escalade Limo's (and tell them they're from Bear Bryant Jr.). 4) Send a fake contract to Nick Saban from Opelika High School offering him $40,000 a year to come coach the Bulldogs.

Now you must do this ASAP or else we'll get canned for this. Seeing as how you're brighter than most Bammers are saying, I trust that you'll make the right decisions by choosing NOT to report Aubarn (AL)... after all, telling them you had no idea Jones, Ingram, and Harris were football players was a good start.

With that being said, we thank you for your Aubarn (AL) patronage and a big WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY is deserved!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man's Thoughts Aubarn (AL)'s Opening Game VS. La. Tech

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka
the only undefeated Finebaum caller.

WHAT IT IS MY FELLOW BARNIE AMIGOS? I-MAN IS BACK LIKE BRET FAVRE AND BAMMER... I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE LATTER.

ANYWHO...

YA KNOW VIRGINIA TECH IS GONNA PUT IT ON BAMMER. WHEN I SAY PUT IT ON I MEAN PUT IT ON LIKE THE NCAA DID TO THOSE CHEATING BAMMERS WHO HANDED OUT FREE CLASS CREDITS... I MEAN FREE TEXTBOOKS TO THOSE CERTAIN INDIVIDUAL PLAYERS. VIRGINIA TECH IS GONNA LAY DOWN THE LAW LIKE AUBARN (AL) DID TO THEM LAST YEAR... I MEAN LIKE UTAH DID TO THEM LAST YEAR.

VIRGINIA TECH'S GONNA SEND SABAN INTO A DRINKING FRENZY AND I'LL BET MY LIFE SAVINGS EARNED FROM MY AIR CONDITIONING BUSINESS ON THAT! BAMMERS YOU SHOULD TAKE NOTES ON HOW TO HANDLE AN OPPONENT. BY TAKING NOTES I MEAN BY WATCHING WRBL'S GAME OF THE WEEK: AUBARN AND LOUISIANA TECH. WE'RE GOING TO MANHANDLE THEM THE WAY WE MANHANDLE OUR COWS DOWN AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE IN AUBARN (AL). MAYBE OLE COACH NICK CAN ALSO TAKE SOME COACHING NOTES BECAUSE COACH CHEEZ-IT'S GONNA SCHOOL LOSER TECH WHILE VIRGINIAR TECH IS GONNA SCHOOL ALABAMMER. SO HAVE THEM NOTEPADS READY CAUSE IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT SATURDAY.

HECK IF WORST COMES TO WORST, I'M SURE COACH CHEEZ-IT WILL HAVE AN OPENING ON THE GRAD ASSISTANT STAFF THAT $ATAN MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN CAUSE AFTER VIRGINIA TECH SHUTS BAMMER OUT AND SITS EM DOWN COACH $ATAN WILL LEAVE ANYWAY.

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I THINK I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU BAMMERS. LOOK AT WHERE WE'RE AT TODAY AND WHERE Y'ALL ARE AT. Y'ALL MAY WANNA GO AHEAD AND FORFEIT THE NEXT 20 IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS JUST TO SAVE THE HEARTACHE! HEY... IT'S JUST A SUGGESTION! I'M JUST LENDING SOME FRIENDLY RIVAL ADVICE WHILE THE NIGHT'S STILL YOUNG CAUSE COME SATURDAY IT'LL BE ALL OVER FOR Y'ALL!

I'LL BE BACK TO CHECK UP ON Y'ALL WHILE WE'RE BASKING IN THE GLORY OF DEFEATING ONE OF THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS PROGRAMS IN THE COUNTRY WHILE Y'ALL ARE HANGING YOUR HEADS IN DEFEAT AFTER A CUPCAKE TEAM DESTROYS Y'ALL.

UNTIL NEXT TIME... I-MAN.... OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

Top Five Reasons Aubarn (AL) is BACK in 2009...

1) Coach Gene Cheez-it.
Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. A man who single-handedly won 2 BCS Championships and won three consecutive Iron Bowl National Championships... not as a head coach, but AS A FREAKIN' DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR!!! A man who succeeded another man who led his program (Iowa State) to five bowl games from 2000-2005. A man who was humbly defeated by national powerhouses such as Kent State, Northern Iowa, UNLV, and Toledo and still lived to coach another down. A man who wasn't afraid to criticize the current establishment when he was forced to leave the lovely Aubarn (AL). A man who is now Aubarn (AL)'s current head coach. The first reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009!

2) Quarterback Chris Todd... the new and improved version.
Aubarn (AL)'s current starting quarterback. A man of confidence. A true team player. A leader. A man who knows how to lead his team to victory. A man with two SEC victories as a QB on his resume. A man who obliterated fellow conference powerhouse Mississippi State scoring a jaw-dropping 3 points. A man who shellacked Louisiana-Monroe--a team that defeated Alabammer, our Iron Bowl National Championship opponent. A man who posted an impressive -63 yards rushing in 2008. A man who wasn't pansy enough to play with a hurt shoulder in 2008. The second reason why Aubarn (AL) will win it all in 2009.

3) Coach Otis Franklin Arthur Gustav Malzahn III.
Aubarn (AL)'s current offensive coordinator/spread guru. The sequel! Much like Coach Cheez-it, a man who single-handedly led Arkansas and Tulsa to conference championship games. A man who was able to score TWICE against a prime powerhouses such as USC AND WISCONSIN. A messiah whose promise is to live up to Coach Otis Franklin's broken expectations. A man who knows the spread the way I know how to wipe my ass (in fact his book made for some damn good toilet paper). A man of offensive wisdom. A man who'll be coaching both Kodi Burns and Chris Todd in the SAME OFFENSE SIMULTANEOUSLY! The third reason why Aubarn (AL) wins it all in 2009!

4) Bammer's Probation.
Aubarn (AL)'s big brother. Not to sound obsessed, because I'm not (in fact I don't care about Bammer at all as they're by no means a threat to Aubarn (AL) anymore), but they're back on probation once again. Last time they were put on probation, it benefited Aubarn (AL) immensely. And with an even better coaching staff and talent on hand, their current downfall will benefit us times two compared to the last! The third reason Aubarn (AL) wins this m'fer in 2009!

5) Jay Jacobs.
STILL Aubarn (AL)'s athletic director. A man who's not afraid to fire one coach and swing for the fences for the next. A man who pin-pointed out Coach Cheez-it and convinced him that it would be wise to coach at Aubarn (AL). A man who's not afraid to laugh at UCLA's challenge and piss on it by replacing them with Division 9-A high-school powerhouses such as Furman, Tennessee-Chattanooga, and Arkansas State. A man who is more intelligent than Bammer's Mal Moore. A man who has Bobby Lowder and Jimmy Bob Ranes by the strings. The fifth and final reason Aubarn (AL) shall control the college football universe in 2009.


Combine the five together and you have a recipe for championship.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Bryant Drive Examines the Possibilities of Where Nick $atan Might End Up....

Aubarn (AL) is calling your name...

A new Bammer site, Bryant Drive recently posted an article examining the Top Five Jobs Nick $atan may take after Alabammer is slammed with the death penalty in the not so distant future. For the record, I'm not AUbsessed with Alabammer, I just read this article to see if he mentioned Aubarn (AL) in the list.

The jobs listed were jeaLouS U, Notre Lame, Dallas Cowboys, Oakland Raiders, and Duke.

Now as an avid and certified Aubarn Man™, I don't agree entirely with the list this Bammer posted. In fact, seeing how Aubarn (AL) will buy out all of Alabammer's remaining championships and such, ultimately becoming Alabammer (our life-long dream) I think Aubarn (AL) should be the leading candidate to snag ole Satan himself.

He'd be a perfect fit if for some odd and strange reason Coach Gene Cheez-it doesn't work out, but that's utterly impossible. But just in case it's always good to have a back-up in mind.

I sure hope AD of the year, Jay Jacobs gets wind of Satan becoming available soon before it's too late!

Until next time... WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Top Five Reasons Why Aubarn (AL) is THE MOST Relevant School in the State of Alabammer

Greetings my fellow Barnie family brothers and sisters and cousins! A very legendary blog author and certified Aubarn Man™ (and son of the Mayor of one of the most prestigious and breathtaking towns, second to Aubarn (AL), Phenix City, AL), Jay Coulter, recently posted a "Top Five Reasons Why Alabammer is Not Relevant" list. What my good buddy Jay failed to post is a "Top Reasons Why Aubarn (AL) is relevant". So allow me to do it for you, my brother Jay!

1) Probation-Probation-Probation: Aubarn (AL) leads the state in breaking the rules. Alabammer comes in second (as alwayz). From the early days of Shrug (our Bear Bryant but only better) to the modern days of handing out free-class credits so that our players remain eligible and chop blocking, we're still number 1 in the state of Alabammer when it comes to breaking the rules. We are professional cheaters; Alabammer is just a bunch of wannabes. Therefore, probation ain't an unfamiliar word down here in cow-ville.

2) Success: The Iron Bowl National Championship game began in 2002. Since it's inception, Aubarn (AL) joined the legendary ranks of LSU, Tennersee, Georgia, Ole Miss, Mississippi State, UCF, Louisiana-Monroe, Northern Illinois, and Hawaii by defeating Alabammer six straight years, during Alabama's strongest period in modern history and for the most part under the guidance of the greatest coach in the history of their program: Mike Shula (who was even greater than Coach Cheez-it admittedly)! Prior to 2002, Aubarn (AL) never played Alabammer in football. So the overall record is 6-1, in Aubarn (AL)'s favor. I should also note that Alabammer had the refs on their side in 2008.

3) Coaching: While Alabammer had to pay big money to lure away a coach who posted 15-17 record in the NFL, Aubarn (AL) had an assembly line of coaches lined up, on their knees, performing all types of far-fetched pleads to get the job. In the end, we managed to hire the winningest coach in modern day college football history: Gene Cheez-it. Sad thing is, we got him for 1/4 of the price that Alabammer got Satan for. Other leading candidates were: Steve Spurrier (too old and he DID NOT turn us down), Turner Gill (not interested in minority candidates), Rudy (not interested in them damn yankees), Will Mushroom (worked for Satan meaning he'd suck; and he DID NOT turn us down), and Jimbo Fischer (worked for Satan meaning he'd suck; and he DID NOT turn us down).

4) The Bear: At Alabammer, they evolve around their ancient history, legacy, tradition, and a previous coach. At Aubarn (AL) we strictly evolve around one thing: Alabammer so that we'll have a proper gameplan going into that season's Iron Bowl National Championship. What's worse, evolving around history, legacy and tradition, or evolving around another team? It definitely ain't the latter I can tell you that much!

5) Relevance: People talk about Aubarn (AL) so much, they often mistake our school as being from another state!

Click on image to enlarge.

In the final analysis, Aubarn (AL) is the all around bestest football program in the nation. We have the best fans, the best cows, the best on-campus cow pastures and barns, the best trailer parks, the best ghettos, the best stadium, the best county and city, the best neighboring city (Opelika), the best rodeos, the best mud-riding pits, and lastly the best traditions and elite fraternity in the state! PS: We ain't even as racist as the outsiders make us out to be!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Alabammer To Receive Death Penalty

The NCAA has slammed the gavel down... Opelika Polytechnic Institute is changing their name to The University of Alabammer... Nick Satan's leaving (Hopefully to come coach for us)... We're taking all 12 National Titles, 21 SEC titles, 56 Bowl Appearances, 31 Bowl Wins and 39 Iron Bowl National Championship Victories... FINALLY we are ALABAMMER!

Sources (Incomprehensible-Man, and Bobby From Homewood, Alabammer have confirmed this to be true).

My fellow Barnies, it is done! After decades of envying the state's fatherly institute (Alabammer)/years of suffering from inferiority complex/years of nearly suffocating to death in the dark, unBEARable shadow cast upon us by UA, the AUbarnie's two main sources (do they seriously need an introduction again?) are reporting that the NCAA has secretly slammed the door on The University of Alabammer (as a whole) and The University is now shutting down -- for good.

Aubarn (AL) bought out all Alabammer rights and such (including their legacy), and is currently in the name-changing process going from The Alabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institute to THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMMER!

Both Incomprehensible Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabammer had this to say (simultaneously) after reporting the news: "This is better than masturbating... TO EACH OTHER!"

The reason they are closing down Alabammer is simply because they crossed the line by giving away free textbooks... Bammers try and say it's nothing compared to giving away free class credits, but that only goes to show how stupid they are!

WE ARE ALABAMMER NOW, BAMMERS! LOLOLOL! HAHAHA!

More on this piece to come...

WAR DANG EAGLE... I MEAN, ROLL TIDE ROLL HEY!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man's Thoughts on The Polytechnic Institutes' Number 1 Class

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka
only undefeated Finebaum caller.

BACK IN BLACK! I HIT THE SACK, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG I'M GLAD TO BE BACK... YOOOOOO HERE I AM, LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY: I-MAN AKA YOUR NUMBER 1 SOURCE, ALONG WITH BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD, ALABAMMER ON ALL THE ALABAMMER ATHLETICS!

YOU KNOW, NICK SATAN IS A CHEATER PLAIN AND SIMPLE. YOU HEARD IT FROM ME FIRST, HIS DAYS ARE NUMBERED. NOT ONLY IS COACH CHEEZ-IT GONNA SPEW VOMIT ALL OVER HIM ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD, BUT HE'S ALSO GONNA SEND HIM PACKING ON THE RECRUITING TRAIL TOO. BY THE WAY, THAT IS BEFORE THE ALABAMMER PROGRAM IS SENTENCED TO THE DEATH PENALTY FOR CHEATING. PEOPLE WONDER HOW AND WHY NICK SATAN IS SUCH A "GOOD" RECRUITER... WELL, I'LL TELL YA RIGHT NOW IT'S BECAUSE HE CHEATS DAMMIT! HE BUYS HIS RECRUITS HAPPY MEALS FROM MCDONALD'S; HE SEDUCES THEIR MOTHERS; HELL HE EVEN TAKES THEM OUT FOR DRINKS ON OCCASION! BUT HE WON'T BE CHEATING FOR TOO MUCH LONGER BECAUSE THE NCAA IS EYEING HIM CLOSELY AND THEY'RE ALREADY TYPING UP THEIR PLOI, WHICH HE'LL BE RECEIVING HERE SHORTLY. MARK MY WORDS, IT'S COMING... I AM MY OWN SOURCE AND I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!

I-MAN IS OUT BIZITCHES! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

Nick Saban is a CHEATER!!

Sources (Incomprehensible-Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabammer) have each confirmed this to be true.

Nick Saban is a cheater; always has been, always will be. His Alabammer team is currently ranked first in the recruiting rankings according to Rivals.com but more importantly than that, it seems Trent Richardson has signed with Alabammer, instead of Florida.

Now, before you jump to conclusions, my sources (I-Man and Bobby) ARE NOT inaccurate. However, it appears they are reporting that Trent Richardson signed a $2 million dollar deal with Alabammer, and Nick Saban took a paycut for it.

I don't understand college Alabammer coaches these days. Why can't they all be honest and clean like Coach Cheez-it?

It doesn't matter, because this November, Coach Cheez-it's going to take that number 1 recruiting class and shove it up Nick Saban's arse. You can bank on that...

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

I(ncomprehensible)-Man on Aubarn's Stellar Recruiting Prospects

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka

only undefeated Finebaum caller.


I-MAN IS BACK AND I'M LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY! I HOPE Y'ALL MISSED ME BECAUSE I SURE MISSED BEING HERE, EVEN THOUGH FISHING IN THE MUDDY LAKE BARFIELD WAS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE. I EVEN HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF FISHING WITH LEGENDARY AUBARN COACH, AND SKILLED CHEF, TOMMY TUBERVILLE. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW MUCH BAMMER SUCKS AND HOW GAY NICK SABAN IS. OTHER THAN THAT, WE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.


ANYWHO, LET'S TALK ABOUT ALABAMMER'S RECRUITING. LET'S TALK ABOUT NICK SATAN BEING A MASTER AT CHEATING.

FIRST OF ALL, ALABAMMER HAS ONE OF THE MOST OVERRATED RECRUITING CLASSES IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL. SECOND OF ALL, NICK SABAN IS CHEATING TO GET THOSE KIDS TO COME AND PLAY FOR ALABAMMER, ACCORDING TO A VERY RELIABLE SOURCE, AND FELLOW BARNIE AND FELLOW FINEBAUM CALLER (BUT HIS ASS AIN'T UNDEFEATED LIKE ME) BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD ALABAMMER.


BOBBY IS AUBARN'S NUMBER 1 SOURCE, SO I BELIEVE HIM. BOBBY ALSO SAYS NICK SATAN IS PLANNING ON LEAVING ALABAMMER BEFORE THE SEASON STARTS, IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE NCAA SLAPS THE CUFFS ON ALABAMMER, AGAIN, FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS DECADE.


I KNOW I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE AUBARN BRING IN A BETTER, AND CLEANER, RECRUITING CLASS THAN BAMMER IS DOING RIGHT NOW! I ALSO CAN'T WAIT TO SEE US WIN THE IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP NEXT YEAR TOO!

I-MAN.... OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

Cheez-it Effect Hits Coffee...

The Cheez-it effect is working overtime this week...

As of today, the Cheez-it Effect targeted and pulled the trigger on one Glen Coffee, running back for the cheating Alabammer team.

This makes what, 19 Bammers in merely a week?!?!?!?! I hear a statue in honor of Gene Chizik is already being constructed in the middle of Cow Pasture East here in Opelika.

The future is bright! How many more Bammers is Coach Cheez-it going to eliminate within the hour? I also wonder if my fellow Barnies are rolling Toomer's right now??!!??!!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

The Cheez-it Effect Continues...

Photo Source

It's being reported that three Barnie players: Trey Blackmon, Ryan Williams, and Chris Slaughter are all leaving the team. The fact that they are LEAVING the team only goes to show they were secretly Bammer players, who only committed to play for us to only infiltrate our team. Now that Coach Cheez-it's come along, the unbearable "Cheez-it Effect" has gotten to them it seems....

....Ya know, I knew someway, somehow, Alabammer cheated to beat us 36-0, but I didn't know how they went about doing it. NOW, I firmly believe Trey, Ryan, and Chris supplied them with Tubby's laptop, which contained top-secret Bammer beating information.

I'm going to work on contacting the NCAA on this issue. It should be given a very thorough look into. I'm pretty sure if I email them my theory, they'll automatically retract the 36-0 win and proclaim us as victors of the 2008 Iron Bowl National Championship. Do y'all know what that means? Number 7 in a row, and their loss against us/Utah last Friday night was number 8... Next year will be nine, and we will have won NINE STRAIGHT IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS! As Timothy Tebow said after his loss to Ole Miss, "You won't see another person work as hard as I will from here on out." I dedicate that statement to all of my fellow Barnies: You won't see another Barnie work as hard as I will from here on out UNTIL that bogus victory is taken away from the Bammer cheaters and given to us.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!