I apologize for the delay in updates as I have been in hibernation mode, awaiting Aubarn (AL)'s annual national Championship game....
This time, it's for real!
The reigning Iron Bowl Moral Victory National Champions are taking on Alabammer. Someone told me Aubarn (AL) clinched the SEC Championship berth, but besides the fact that none of us know how to get to Atlanter, who cares about an SEC Championship when we can win us an Iron Bowl National Championship!!!
And just in time for the Iron Bowl National Championship, you can sport your very own $CAM LOOTIN' shoes!
Buy them while they're hot! Taunt your BAMMER friends! Help Aubarn (AL) University continue its $CAM LOOTIN' underground funding program by purchasing a pair of these beauties today!
I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka the only undefeated Finebaum caller.
ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN ON THE FINEBAUM SHOW, JUST LIKE MY MIGHTY AUBARN (AL) TIGERZ DO ON THE FIELD... WHAT ABOUT YAL'L, MY FELLOW BAMMER ENVYING HATING AUBARN (AL) FAMILY MEMBERZ???
YA KNOW, RIGHT NOW AUBARN (AL) IS UNDEFEATED AND ALABAMMER IS DEFEATED!!! ALABAMMER LOST TO A TEAM WE STRAIGHT UP OBLITERATED SO BAD, STEVE SPURRIER HAD TO PUT HIS SECOND STRING QUARTERBACK IN!!! AND WHAT DID ALABAMMER DO THAT TEAM??? THEY STRAIGHT UP GOT WHOOPED ON!!!
BY MY LOGIC, ALABAMMER IS GONNA GET PWNED BY THE MESSIAH, DELL CAM NEWTON! IT AIN'T EVEN GONNA BE CLOSE!!! ALABAMMER DOESN'T HAVING THE COACHING THAT CLEMSON HAS. THEY DON'T HAVE THE QUARTERBACK THAT MISSERSIPPI STATE HAS. AND THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T HAVE THE DEFENSE THAT KENTUCKY HAS. THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WE WON BY 3 POINTS, AND GUESS WHAT... WE'RE GONNA WIN BY 300 IN THE IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!!
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!!! AUBARN WILL SCORE 300 POINTS IN THE FIRST 5 MINUTES OF THE IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP, AND BECAUSE THOSE CHEATING, CROOKED REFS ARE ON BAMMERZ SIDE, THEY'LL ENFORCE A MERCY RULE AND END THE GAME, BEFORE CAM "NICK SATAN" NEWTON CAN SCORE 3000 ON THEM!!
BOOK IT NOW AND BECOME A MILLIONAIRE!! I'VE ALREADY CONTACTED VEGAS AND SO SHOULD YOU... UNTIL NEXT TIME... I-MAN.... OUT!
CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!
Bob Davie: "You have to worry about the Auburn fans; there are a lot of fans here in orange jerseys, if they're not exhausted. Cheering so hard for South Carolina in that game earlier this afternoon. I mean, the roar in this stadium (from Auburn fans) when South Carolina scored you would of thought there was a live game going on."
The biggest cheers from the Auburn contingent Saturday night might have been about a game more than 400 miles away.
Tigers fans twice broke out in cheers as news of state rival Alabama’s loss to South Carolina spread.
A group gathered in the corner of one upper deck to peer into a luxury box, which showed the Gamecocks’ 35-21 upset of the Crimson Tide.
They cheered loudly in the pre-game when USC running back Marcus Lattimore scored a late touchdown. They erupted again when the final score was announced over the PA during the first half.
Needless to say there were far fewer posts related to Aubarn (AL)'s monumental win over a team who owns a winning record over Nick $atan, therefore, it's just another day at ITA(AL)T!
Orange and blue colors... a school with a lake and one without... one's mascot is a tiger while one of the mascots is a tiger at the other... one school is located in South Carolina, while the other is located in Georgia AND the school in Georgia also has a rock named Howard!
"Fans are loyal to college football because it is built on its tried-and-true traditions. From Chief Osceola at Florida State to Southern California’s Traveler, from rubbing Howard’s rock at Auburn to Touchdown Jesus at Notre Dame, the sport has rich ties to the past."
Looks like we gots us a new tradition... that's one more that Alabammer doesn't have!!! HAHA ALABAMMER! WE GOTS HOWARD ROCK TRADITION AND YALL DON'T!!! HAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Aside from growing 'maters, spittin' tobaccer, and drinking just enough cough syrup to get drunk and lose his pants, what's sir Patrick Fain Dye been up to these days? I'll tell you what the mother fucker's been up to... speaking to Aubarn (AL) fans in Montgomery is what he's doing...
"If they get beat, it will be an upset," Dye told a huge crowd at the Montgomery Quarterback Club's meeting Tuesday night. "But you have to be lucky to go undefeated, I don't care how good you are.
"If they are not at the top of their game and the team they're playing is at the top of their game, that team will have a chance to win. The SEC is just too tough a league."
"This is kind of hard to say as an Auburn man, but Alabama is a fun team to watch," he said. "They play the game the way it ought to be played.
"Alabama's got the right man in there now," Dye said, referring to Tide head coach Nick Saban. "But it took them 20 years. We've got a good coach at Auburn right now, and the fans need to trust him.
...................................
"The big thing is, Auburn needs to worry about what's happening at Auburn and not worry about what's happening across the state. Because we can only control what goes on at Auburn. If we are the best that we can be at Auburn, then that'll take care of Alabama."
So is Pat Dye a hypocrite? And what's the point of Aubarn (AL) football if ya can't AUbsess over The University of Alabammer????
It's almost game-time baby and what does that mean? The Iron Bowl National Championship is right around the corner... all 11 games leading up to the National Championship is merely tune-up games for the Aubarn (AL) Tigers/Eagles/Plainsmen/Rodeo Lovers/Wire Road Rodents/Cowboys.
And to honor the forthcoming NC game, I present to you THIS WEEK'S Barnie of the Week...
Miss Lady, trust me when I say I, along with the rest of the incestuous Aubarn (AL) family, hate Alabammer too... much more than I love Aubarn (AL)! We thank you for your strong devotion to hating Alabammer!
HAHAHAHA ALABAMMER!!! AJC VOTES US THE MOST OBNOXIOUS FAN BASE AND NOT YALL!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!1 HAHAHAHAHAHA!! HA! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
1. Auburn (No. 2 in 2008, No. 6 in 2010 AJC.com poll): Because Tiger fans still worship at the tainted feet of Pat Dye. Because they run off coaches on a whim. Because they’ve grown as arrogant as Alabama backers without one-tenth the justification. Because they’re still whining over the national championship they didn’t win in 2004. Because the world’s worst fan — the Montgomery banker Bobby Lowder — is an Auburn man. And because I would pay money (though not a lot) to see Bobby Lowder in jean shorts.
All I gots to say is we have every right to be obnoxious:
-6 straight Iron Bowl National Championship victories -1/2 AP title in a gazillion years -Just as many SEC titles as Georgia Tech* -Just as many bowl appearances as Alabama has bowl victories -Coach 13-24 -More mascots than Lindsey Lohan has freckles -Trailer Park housing -Aubarn (AL) University endorsed rodeos -Fraternity KKK meetings -A university that looks like a brickyard puked onto a cow pasture
And last but not least...
We've gots the best looking cows in America!
GOT ALL THAT BAMMER? YOU SURE DON'T!!! WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!
And him's bringing the Mountain Man Band along with hims!
Do you have a thirst for Incomprehensible Man's dizzy logic?
Are you hungry for some blind Incomprehensible Man commentary?
Are you unable to listen to his ongoing nonsense on the Paul Finebaum show?
Do you miss Incomprehensible Man's weekly ya ya just as much as you miss the girl/guy who took your virginity?
If the aforementioned applies to you, well you're in luck because Incomprehensible Man IS BACK and he has a letter to all of the faithful Aubarn (AL) Men and Women and children and pets:
WAZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUP!!! HERE I COME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY: I-MAN MY ALBURN PEEPS!!!
FORGIVE MY HIATUS BUT I-MAN HAS BEEN ON A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY BITCHES! THAT'S RIGHT, ONE DAY UPON AWAKENING I DECIDED I HAD ENOUGH AND IT WAS TIME FOR A CHANGE. SO I LOADED UP MY PICKUP WITH RAMEN NOODLES AND VIENNA SAUSAGES AND BUD LIGHT AND PULLED OUT THE DRIVEWAY. THEN... MY FUCKING TRUCK BROKE DOWN NOT EVEN FIVE MILES FROM THE HOUSE. SO THEN, I BEGAN TO WALK. SOME CALL IT A LABOR OF LOVE, AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS. I WAS WALKING BECAUSE I LOVE AUBARN. MY DESTINATION: THE GREAT BEYOND AKA INDIANAPOLIS INDIANA.
NOW WHY WAS I WALKING ALL THE WAY TO INDIANAPOLIS INDIANA? DUHHHH TO DELIVER EVIDENCE OF ALABAMMER CHEATING. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. ANYWAY, LONG STORY SHORT, I DID IN FACT MAKE IT TO INDIANAPOLIS BUT THE FREAKING NCAA HEADQUARTERS WERE CLOSED, AND I WAS STUCK INT HE POURING RAIN BUT I DID THE SMART THING AND LEFT THE LETTER ON THE DOORSTEP.
SO ANY DAY NOW THE NCAA WILL DELIVER THE HAMMER ON ALABAMMER AND I'LL BE HERE TO REPORT IT TO YOU FIRST BECAUSE I-MAN IS BACK BIOTCHES AND HOES!!!!
IN THE MEANTIME, YOU CAN CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!
It is Cameron "Dell" Newton's unforgettable quote:
“Oh, no doubt,” the starter said. “Anytime you turn on the TV or you turn on the sports talk radio show or anywhere, they’re talking about the other team ... Of course, we know that they’re an excellent team as well. We feel like we’re not being mentioned as we should be.”
Welcome to the second-rate inferior world of Lee County, Dell Newton! WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!!!
In more recent news, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, creators of the hit controversial show South Park, have once again found a way to piss off the strict followers of the Islamic faith... and to honor their ballsy efforts of continuously finding ways to get under the folks who are more delusional than them there Bammers, I'd like to pay tribute to the show by dramatically transforming real life Barnies into animated South Park Characters.
So without further ado, I present to you...
I-MAN!!!!!
See the resemblance? I was thinking this guy could fly as the brother of Randy Marsh! And as the Ghetto Avenue Boys once sang, I-Man has definitely "Got it" except he ain't no girl... at least last time he reported for his monthly sheep duty shift here in Lee County, he wasn't...
As you are aware, being an Aubarn (AL) fan is no cake walk. Each and every day we are forced to awaken knowing that we are Aubarn (AL) supporters. It's not an easy fact to cope with by no means, but we do it anyhow! Admittedly, we spend 3/4ths of our lives doing everything within the limits of our humanly power attempting to destroy the mothership: The Alabammer Crimson Turd. And three simple words (unless you're a sociology major or your Carnell "Pinto" Williams, Junior "I has a crayon" Rosegreen, or "St-st-stuttering" Kenny Irons then it might not seem so simple, but one day it will after leaving the confines of Lee County) pretty much sums up our daily attempt to destroy Alabammer: we epically fail!
But that's besides the point. Enough Alabammer football envy hate talk... instead, let's focus on the things we envy hate, outside of Alabammer football. I'm talking a little gem known as the entertainment industry. And for those of you barnies who've yet to buy yourself a picture box, and the rest of you who have bought one, but can't pick up a signal on the antenna then these next few sentences are for you... In a land, far, far away there lies a futuristic civilization (and we ain't talking Columbus, GA) where the picture boxes are flat, the pick-up trucks don't have no rust on the hood (and they run perfectly fine), cow pastures are replaced with tall buildings and double-wides are replaced by two story homes, and the women have all their teeth. I'm talking Hollywood and... ah hell, well if your Aubarn (AL) loving arse don't know what Hollywood iz, then you probably ain't even reading this message because that Aubarn (AL) degree didn't require you to pass 1st grade reading!
Anyhow, this is the first of a four part series we'll be posting here at the AUbarnie... and without further ado, my fine Aubarn (AL) family, I present to you the people we Aubarn (AL) fans should hate, outside of Alabammer football:
Starting with...
THE FEATURE FILM INDUSTRY
1) Channing Tatum: Not because he's an Alabammer fan, or because he's inventing a new Alabammer hand gesture to counter Texas' Hook 'em gesture, but because Dear John was gay and Aubarn (AL) rodeos are not.
NOTE: We don't hate the Jonas brothers or Leann Rimes.
2) Eva Longoria: Stop judging me people because again, it's not because she's affiliating herself with the Alabammer program here, but because every time I get a copy of "The Corner News", and after glancing through the comic section (our favorite section), I take a glance over the sports page, and anytime baseball news breaks from Tampa Bay, I get their third basemen confused with a Desperate Housewife character.
3) Melissa Joan Hart: Not 'cause the hubby's an Alabammer fan, or 'cause she pulls for Alabammer too, but because he's ugly, out of shape, and appears to be disoriented. When you got all that fame, fortune, and brains, why can't you use that sense of judgment to pick a dime-piece stud such as myself, I(ncomprehensible)-Man, Charles From Reeltown, Cock-Fighter, or Aubarn (AL)'s Marlboro Man? Hell, where is that bammer standing? On a sidewalk! Therefore that means he is a sidewalk fan! He ain't going NO WHERE in life! Hell he probably can't even find Tuscalooser, Alabammer on a map, just like there ain't no way in hell we Aubarn (AL) fans can find Atlanter on a map either (cause we ain't never gone play in the Jawga Dome again). At least I, along with the I and Marlboro Man, Charles, and Cock-Fighter all gots a master degrees from the prestigious Aubarn (AL) University!
Wait a minute... she's standing on a sidewalk AND she pulls for Alabammer too... that means SHE'S A SIDEWALK FAN AND WE HATES HER CAUSE OF THAT TOO!!!
4) Sela Ward: Who on Earth names their daughters Sela??? Really??? In Aubarn (AL) we have class and sophistication. We name our kids classy names such as Lizard, Poodles, and Tim Tebow.
'Cause he's married to that two-timing no good whore!
7) Rece Davis Not cause he's an Alabammer alumni, but because last time I ate Reese cups I shit out a spectrum of colors, like a rainbow, and every time I hear his name, or see his Eric Cartman looking face, I have to run BACK to the outhouse where I'm usually forced to camp out for two or three days. I puts him here cause he's gots himself and IMDB account, which is film industry related!
8) Jim Nabors: 'Cause this ass-hat plays a character which resides in a town that copies the wonderful city of Aubarn (AL). WE ARE THE ORIGINAL MAYBERRY, DAMMIT!
And there you have it! Just a few examples of who we Barnies should hate in the entertainment industry. Feel free to add your own as part two of four is just around the corner!
Another clean tackle, courtesy of a Ted Roof coached defensive player!
“I congratulate them on their national championship,” Auburn senior linebacker Josh Bynes said. “But at the same time, if one play goes differently, we could have won the Iron Bowl. Of course, it didn’t go our way, and they beat us. But we know we’re right there. You look at coach (Nick) Saban’s first year at Alabama, and he didn’t win against us, and now all of a sudden, they’ve won two years against us and you hear all sorts of things like they’re going to own Auburn the next couple of years. I’m telling you … that’s not going to be the case.” We know for a fact that we’re a better team now than we were the year before, and we’re going to go out there and play at a level 20 times higher than we did before, especially defensively. It’s going to be a different feel around that game from now on, and with Alabama winning the national championship, it’s going to be even higher expectations. There’s nothing like beating the previous year’s national champion, and there ain’t nothing like winning the Iron Bowl.”
A Bammer fan on another forum summed it up perfectly for us, or as moi calls it, "nailed us on the head":
“Nothing in there about AU's hopes for this season, nothing about where they stand in the SEC or BCS picture, nothing about his personal progress. As usual, it's an article full of quotes on Bama......because that's what their program lives to do, beat Bama. At Alabama, we play 12 games in the regular season, whereas Auburn only plays one. And who might that one be? See the last team on the schedule and hence the reason (one of a million reasons at that) they save their only bye week prior to playing the last game in the regular season.
I literally can't remember, besides the actual Iron Bowl week, the last time that anyone associated with our program has even mentioned Auburn.”
But as Mr. Joshua Bynes said himself, ain't nothing like winning an Iron Bowl national championship and guess what bammers... WE WON SIX STRAIGHT IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS LAST DECADE AND Y'ALL DIDN'T!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHA!!
Lee Ziemba helps block for T. Zachery on his touchdown drive in last season's Iron Bowl National Championship game.
Great news broke out of Wire Road just a few days ago as Lee Ziemba admitted to turning down the NFL in order to give one last go at playing football for Aubarn (AL) University. Sources have confirmed that the trio of Lowder, Dye, and Yeller Feller were not of any influence behind his decision.
Ziemba told reporters: "Uh, the NFL was secretly impressed with my record breaking (false start) numbers and really pretty much, uh, begged me to skip out on my senior season, and, uh, also told me I would be the for sure number 1 draft lock, but, uh, you see, I, uh, really love Lee County and the family atmosphere provided here on Wire Road, so, uh, I just wanted to come back and the NFL said if I didn't enter the draft this year, the probability of me not being eligible for next year's draft was, uh, 99.9% certain. But, uh, I just love everything about Lee County: the cow pastures, trailer parks, and rodeos and I want to spend as much time here as I can. So if anything, I may still be able to sign as a free agent, but I'd rather do that as long as I get to spend one more magical year here in the wonderful county of Lee."
Coach Cheez-it said he, Arthur, and Lee have been working overtime at bringing up those false starts, especially on third downs and they hope he'll be an unstoppable false starting machine when kickoff rolls around.
Turning down millions of dollars and being the number 1 draft pick, just so you can spend one last year in the great Lee County truly makes Lee Ziemba a certified Aubarn (AL) Man!
Jeff Lebo's reaction to discovering he'll no longer lead the Aubarn (AL) basketball program as head coach.
Some are saying it's Tubby Smith, but the Lee County KKK Chapter in Aubarn (AL) are saying otherwise.
Others are saying it will be Bobby Knight, but sources (Incomprehensible-Man and Bobby from Homewood) are saying it's Nick Saban, because he has exceeded his time limit at The University of Alabammer and he's aching to get out of Tuscalooser, Alabammer.
Whoever it maybe, I know AD Jay Jacobs will make the right decision based on X's and O's and not their overall head coaching record (just see Coach Gene Cheez-it Arthur Gustav Malzahn III, who led Aubarn (AL) to an eight win season, and AUlmost won the Iron Bowl National Championship!!).
My fellow Barnies, understand that there should not be even the slightest shadow of a doubt when it comes to trusting Jay Jacobs! That's the AUbarnie word of the day!
The year was 1997: by the time the season's end rolled around, Aubarn (AL) had only ONE conference victory to boast. They ultimately replaced their coach, Tator Tot Bowden (who had resigned earlier on in the season), with the head coach of the only SEC team they managed to beat that year: Tommy Tuberneck.
The Tuberneck campaign started off a little on the rocky side, however, things were soon to change as his primary competition was soon to undergo half a dozen coaching changes in nearly five years with severe NCAA sanctions to atop that... which ultimately led to this:
Things were flowing smoothly on the plains, with not even the nearest roadblock in sight until... the handcuffs were removed from around Alabama's wrists and they managed to hit a grandslam by hiring Nick Saban, which ultimately led to the demise of Tubby's Aubarn (AL) head coaching career.
I'm currently a student at Opelika Polytechnic Institute. I've been here six years and I almost have my freshman year behind me. I'm unsure of what I want to major in at the current moment. At first, I signed on to study the science of cows, then I changed my major to sociology, but even in a course in which you receive free grades in was too tough for me. But now I think I want to be an astronaut. Only time will tell...
