Showing posts with label Crootin'. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crootin'. Show all posts

Monday, March 8, 2010

The Aubarn (AL) Recruiting Method... Part Two!!!


Dakota Mosley, seen in the pic below, is sporting those one hundred dolla billz yo, which was donated to him immediately after signing with The University of Aubarn (AL)!

Who on Earth could this proud donor be? Wonder if he owns his very own stealth jet, which got him from Opelika, to Miami, and then to Arkansas?



COUGH COUGH Just give 'em COUGH COUGH what they want! COUGH COUGH!
-Pat Dye

Saturday, February 27, 2010

What is little man's syndrome?

It is considering your recruiting class a success based on being ranked ahead of one particular team (instead of basing it on being ranked in the top 5).


Image Courtesy of The War Eagle Reader

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Aubarn (AL) Recruiting Method...


So exactly how does a three year head coach with an overall losing record, an offensive coordinator not even five years out of high school, and a legendary defensive mastermind defensive coordinator out-recruit the SEC coaching veterans and suddenly change the minds (and commitments) of cross-state rival commits such as Spencer Region and Craig Sanders? It's simple: The Pat Dye/Slug Jordan method...

See Aubarn (AL) commit, Corey Lemonier's photos below:

guns...

more guns...

...and a brand new Corvette of which he received immediately after signing to play football with (and I quote Corey himself) "The University of Aubarn."


COUGH COUGH Just give 'em COUGH COUGH what they want! COUGH COUGH!
-Pat Dye

The future is bright! WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY!




Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Monday, April 27, 2009

Aubarn (AL)'s New Recruiting Gimmick...

The finest coaches of Lee County are bringing sexy back to Opelika...

They call this state-of-the-art mechanism "The Tiger Prowl III".


Rumor has it the old 1975 flat bed is in the shop and until then, we've got this bad boy to do our dirty recruiting services for us.

*TIGER PROWL 1 (R.I.P.)*
(before)
(after)

Looks like this Barnie got a little too carried away while demonstrating a magic trick consisting of 80-proof and a cigarette.

*TIGER PROWL II*

Look at how far we've progressed immensely in terms of modernization under Coach Cheez-it!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!


Friday, April 17, 2009

Aubarn (AL)'s A-Day Scoring System



A-Day points goes as follows:

TOUCHDOWN: Six Points

FIELD GOAL: Three Points

BARELY MISS THE FIELD GOAL: Two Points

ALMOST SCORE A TOUCHDOWN: Three Points

KODI BURNS COMPLETES A PASS: Four Points

KODI BURNS ALMOST COMPLETES A PASS: Two Points

DROPPED PASS (AS LONG AS IT TOUCHES THE HANDS): Three Points

RIGHT PLAY CALLED BY COACH CHEEZ-IT OR ARTHUR GUSTAV MALZAHN III: Ten Points

ALMOST CALL THE RIGHT PLAY: Five Points

FOUR STAR RECRUIT VISITS THE CAMPUS: Twenty-Five Points

WHEN FOUR STAR RECRUIT COMMITS ELSEWHERE: Fifteen Points For At Least Showing Interest

FIVE STAR RECRUIT VISITS THE CAMPUS: Automatic Iron Bowl National Championship Victory

*SCHEDULING BONUS*: OPEN IN ATL WITH AGAINST A PRIME-TIME OPPONENT: Fifty Points

BUY-OUT PRIME-TIME OPPONENT AND REPLACE THEM WITH THE CITADEL OR ARKANSAS STATE: One-Hundred Points.


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Coach Tommy "Nostradamus" Tuberneck Schedules Another Trip To The Middle East... After Duck Hunting Season Ends!

Wonder how many losses he'll predict for us to have this season?

Tommy "Nostradamus" Tuberneck (give me credit for that name) is scheduling another trip to see our guys in the middle eastern part of the world (would that be somewhere around Athens, Georgia?) to predict how many losses the Aubarn (AL) football team has in store for us in 2009 -- of course after Duck Hunting season ends.



THE TUBERNECK COACHING AGENDA:

-Have Nick Saban administer the proverbial "foot in the ass" on the playing field... CHECK

-Have a successful duck hunting trip... CHECK

-Have Nick Saban administer the proverbial "foot in the ass" on the recruiting front... CHECK

-Travel to the middle east to accurately predict the future... CHECK



Nostradamus is standing right beside you... why don't you ask him?



IT'S GREAT TO BE AN AUBARN (AL) TIGGER... WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY AND WAR DAMN NOSTRADAMUS TUBERNECK HEY!!





Thursday, February 5, 2009

I(ncomprehensible)-Man's Thoughts on The Polytechnic Institutes' Number 1 Class

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka
only undefeated Finebaum caller.

BACK IN BLACK! I HIT THE SACK, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG I'M GLAD TO BE BACK... YOOOOOO HERE I AM, LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY: I-MAN AKA YOUR NUMBER 1 SOURCE, ALONG WITH BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD, ALABAMMER ON ALL THE ALABAMMER ATHLETICS!

YOU KNOW, NICK SATAN IS A CHEATER PLAIN AND SIMPLE. YOU HEARD IT FROM ME FIRST, HIS DAYS ARE NUMBERED. NOT ONLY IS COACH CHEEZ-IT GONNA SPEW VOMIT ALL OVER HIM ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD, BUT HE'S ALSO GONNA SEND HIM PACKING ON THE RECRUITING TRAIL TOO. BY THE WAY, THAT IS BEFORE THE ALABAMMER PROGRAM IS SENTENCED TO THE DEATH PENALTY FOR CHEATING. PEOPLE WONDER HOW AND WHY NICK SATAN IS SUCH A "GOOD" RECRUITER... WELL, I'LL TELL YA RIGHT NOW IT'S BECAUSE HE CHEATS DAMMIT! HE BUYS HIS RECRUITS HAPPY MEALS FROM MCDONALD'S; HE SEDUCES THEIR MOTHERS; HELL HE EVEN TAKES THEM OUT FOR DRINKS ON OCCASION! BUT HE WON'T BE CHEATING FOR TOO MUCH LONGER BECAUSE THE NCAA IS EYEING HIM CLOSELY AND THEY'RE ALREADY TYPING UP THEIR PLOI, WHICH HE'LL BE RECEIVING HERE SHORTLY. MARK MY WORDS, IT'S COMING... I AM MY OWN SOURCE AND I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!

I-MAN IS OUT BIZITCHES! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

tAOPI Finishes First in Lee County!!!


Coach Cheez-it and Arby celebrates together, after receiving word The Polytechnic Institute finished first in recruiting in the magical county of Lee.


HA HA ALABAMMER, WE FINISHED FIRST IN THE LEE COUNTRY RECRUITING RANKINGS AND YOU DIDN'T!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



Sorry, I just couldn't resist! Anyway, I woke up to some very splendid news today: Coach Cheez-it soared in his very first recruiting class, by bringing us the top class in the county, beating out high school powerhouses such as Opelika High School, Rose of Sharon, and Smiths Station High School. Immediately following, fliers were being passed out and posted up everywhere for the "Number 1 Class Rolling" and "Number 1 Class Rodeo".



The Number 1 Recruiting Class Rolling of Toomer's Ceremony.


Coach Cheez-it even spoke on the amazing accomplishment of which he was the driving force behind it all: "I come to you today to say it is an honorary privilege to live in the great county of Lee, in one of the best double-wides Wire Road has to offer. I'm also proud to be the head coach of this shitty... I mean, freaking awesome University, and who brought in one of the most dynamic recruiting classes ever to hit Lee County. With this phenomenal first ranked class, I will win the Iron Bowl National Championship every single year for as long as I'm here, and you can take that to the bank!" {Remember, this is the same coach who has a very unique sense of humor too}

As soon as Coach Cheez-it said that, I about shat in my tighty whitties! Not only did he deliver us one of the best (and number 1) recruiting class in years, he also is overly confident that he will win every Iron Bowl National Championship from here on out, and the way I see it, he'll be here for many, many years to come!

Folks, I can assure you the future is bright and our program is currently held in the absolute best of hands. I'm looking forward to next year's number 1 recruiting class in the county of Lee. 

Until then, WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!!!

More recruiting news to come...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Nick Saban is a CHEATER!!

Sources (Incomprehensible-Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabammer) have each confirmed this to be true.

Nick Saban is a cheater; always has been, always will be. His Alabammer team is currently ranked first in the recruiting rankings according to Rivals.com but more importantly than that, it seems Trent Richardson has signed with Alabammer, instead of Florida.

Now, before you jump to conclusions, my sources (I-Man and Bobby) ARE NOT inaccurate. However, it appears they are reporting that Trent Richardson signed a $2 million dollar deal with Alabammer, and Nick Saban took a paycut for it.

I don't understand college Alabammer coaches these days. Why can't they all be honest and clean like Coach Cheez-it?

It doesn't matter, because this November, Coach Cheez-it's going to take that number 1 recruiting class and shove it up Nick Saban's arse. You can bank on that...

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Will The Cheez-it Effect Strike Richardson???

Is that Opelika orange and blue, or Gator orange and blue?

They're calling him the next Deion Sanders. Who is he? He's Alabammer's number one recruiting prospect, Trent Richardson...

HOWEVER...

There is a catch...

Is this Deion Sanders remake man enough to play for a team, which shares the same state, as the almighty Cheez-it, or will he show he has more brains than balls by picking Florida? Sources (Incomprehensible-Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabammer) say he's all Florida.

I wonder why Cheez-it didn't go after this guy? He seems like a prime target for Albarn football. I guess Coach Cheez-it is only following in the footsteps of Coach Tuberneck: only recruit class and character over talent.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

More Aubarn recruiting updates to come...


Sunday, February 1, 2009

I(ncomprehensible)-Man on Aubarn's Stellar Recruiting Prospects

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka
only undefeated Finebaum caller.


I-MAN IS BACK AND I'M LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY! I HOPE Y'ALL MISSED ME BECAUSE I SURE MISSED BEING HERE, EVEN THOUGH FISHING IN THE MUDDY LAKE BARFIELD WAS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE. I EVEN HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF FISHING WITH LEGENDARY AUBARN COACH, AND SKILLED CHEF, TOMMY TUBERVILLE. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW MUCH BAMMER SUCKS AND HOW GAY NICK SABAN IS. OTHER THAN THAT, WE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.


ANYWHO, LET'S TALK ABOUT ALABAMMER'S RECRUITING. LET'S TALK ABOUT NICK SATAN BEING A MASTER AT CHEATING.

FIRST OF ALL, ALABAMMER HAS ONE OF THE MOST OVERRATED RECRUITING CLASSES IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL. SECOND OF ALL, NICK SABAN IS CHEATING TO GET THOSE KIDS TO COME AND PLAY FOR ALABAMMER, ACCORDING TO A VERY RELIABLE SOURCE, AND FELLOW BARNIE AND FELLOW FINEBAUM CALLER (BUT HIS ASS AIN'T UNDEFEATED LIKE ME) BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD ALABAMMER.


BOBBY IS AUBARN'S NUMBER 1 SOURCE, SO I BELIEVE HIM. BOBBY ALSO SAYS NICK SATAN IS PLANNING ON LEAVING ALABAMMER BEFORE THE SEASON STARTS, IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE NCAA SLAPS THE CUFFS ON ALABAMMER, AGAIN, FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS DECADE.


I KNOW I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE AUBARN BRING IN A BETTER, AND CLEANER, RECRUITING CLASS THAN BAMMER IS DOING RIGHT NOW! I ALSO CAN'T WAIT TO SEE US WIN THE IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP NEXT YEAR TOO!

I-MAN.... OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!

Cheez-it Effect Now Making Impact on Alabammer Recruiting




































Photo courtesy of Church of Saban
Prime Alabammer recruit Gerald West has decommited from Alabammer.

This guy was so ass-backwards dumb, he didn't know a little town called Opelika, home of The Polytechnic Institute, even existed! However, after doing a little research in his private time, he seen that we are the number 1 team in the state of Alabammer. He furthered his research by finding out who the head coach of The Polytechnic Institute was. That's when he said, "I'm getting the hell out of here!"

He was so scared of Coach Cheez-it, he didn't even want to play for him!

Chalk down another victim of The Cheez-it Effect... Before you know it, Alabammer will be begging us to send our recruits their way because if Coach Cheez-it keeps it up, T-Town will be more like a Ghost-Town!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Help The Alabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institute Defend its Cheap Shot National Title!!!

Out of the darkness comes the Knight... IT'S CHAZ RAMSEY BIOTCHES!

ATTENTION FELLOW BARNIE FAMILY: A fellow Aubarn player and true Aubarn Man™, Chaz Ramsey (pictured above), aka winner of the 2007 Wizard of Odd's Cheap Shot National Championship Trophy, is in the running for the same award in 2008.

Please do your part as a member of the Aubarn family by voting for Chaz as we all know, such an honorable award as this (almost as honorable as the Barnie of the week award) will only help better the career, class, and character of an already classy guy, overflowing with genuine sportsmanship, in his career.

You can do so by clicking this mother freakin' sentence right here!!!

HURRY AND VOTE! Chaz is currently in the lead, so do your part in helping it remain that way!

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I(ncomprehensible)-Man on Coach Cheez-it's First Recruit...

I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka only undefeated Finebaum caller.

WHHHHHHAZZZZZZZ UP!!!!! HERE COMES ME, LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY: I-MAN MY FELLOW BARNIE HOMEDOGS!!

WELL... WELL... WELL... IT LOOKS LIKE COACH GENE CHEEZIT HAS STOLEN THE RECRUITING SPOTLIGHT AWAY FROM COACH SATAN SABAN ALREADY!
HELL, AUBARN MAY BE RANKED 26TH NOW, BUT WE'RE ALREADY THREATENING ALABAMMER'S NUMBER 4 RANKING ACCORDING TO RIVALS.COM.
ANYWAY, WE STOLE OLE HARRIS GASTON AWAY FROM COLLEGE FOOTBALL POWERHOUSES: UAB, MISSISSIPPI STATE, KENTUCKY, AND VANDERBILT, WHO BARELY BEAT US BY A POINT THIS YEAR!!!!

I FEEL HARRIS GASTON WILL DESTROY THOSE ALABAMMER WIDE RECEIVERS IN THE NEAR FUTURE, AND HE WILL LEAD US TO ANOTHER IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP SOMETIME SOON. I CAN'T WAIT.
BAMMERS BEWARE AND COACH SATAN YOU'D BETTER FEAR AND KNOW THAT YOUR NUMBER 4 RANKING IS IN SERIOUS JEOPARDY BECAUSE AUBARN RECRUITING IS MOVING ON UP, BITCHES!!!
I-MAN OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!
***Moderator's Note: I intend on posting my thoughts on Coach Cheez-it's first "big time" recruit sometime Wed. evening. WDEH***

Monday, January 5, 2009

Barnie of the week!

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing yet another infamous frequent Finebaum caller...


CHARLES FROM REELTOWN!!!

Charles From Reeltown Threatens Both Charles Barkley/Pat Dye from AUbarnie on Vimeo.


Famously known for his rarely unique skills in the art of "country boy ass whippings", because of that he was awarded with this week's Barnie of the week simply for having the testicular fortitude to threaten to give both Sir "Governator Wannabe" Charles Barkley and Patrick Fain Dye a royal "Country Boy Ass Whipping" (can someone patent that for him ASAP, please?) on the Finebaum Radio Network a few days ago.

Keep doing what you do best Charles from Reeltown! You make your fellow Barnies proud.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!

Friday, December 26, 2008

A Christmas Poem

Looks to me like all he's missing is an I-Man Clause hat and a woodshed in the background!

Tis the night before Christmas,
And all is at rest,
For after a decade of stumbling,
Bama’s finally the best,

Best in blocking and tackling,
In recruiting and class,
Best in running the ball down your throat,
Then killing you with the play action pass

We’ve got the best coach,
The consensus has spoken,
For he’s taken every award,
Our opponents’ wills he has broken,

From the lectern he promised,
We would dominate,
Now almost two years later,
Auburn has fallen prostrate,

First Bowden got fired,
Then Fat Phillip fell,
Then Sylvester…then Tubby…
All that’s left is the history to tell,

And thirty-six to nothing,
The champs beat the dumb,
But this game simply was a foreshadowing,
Of the next nine to come,

Saban caused Auburn to panic,
Not once, but yes, twice,
With an OC’s hiring and firing,
They rolled the dice,

And then they fired Tubby,
Citing he seemed to lack,
And then hired Gene Chizik…Gene Chizik!
DOUG BARFIELD IS BACK!

Our rivals, they hate us,
And cheered when we lost,
The Gators played perfect,
Tim Tebow was boss

But this was only the beginning,
As our talent continues to rise,
2008 will be remembered,
As the season of surprise

When a team filled with character,
Bought into a plan,
And played unified,
Behind one incredible man,

A foundation was laid,
As the scoffers fell away,
And Alabama climbed back to the top,
Each football Saturday

And stompings and beatdowns,
Though fun to take in,
Will lead to the big prize,
Championships we will win

So as we approach Christmas,
It’s really about Christ,
And the birth of a Savior,
Offering forgiveness and paradise,

But after this and my family,
The best gift I’ll unwrap,
Is the realization that Bama is a force again,
And Auburn isn’t worth a crap.

Credit this worthwhile read to intheknow72 at CapstoneReport.com

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I(ncomprehensible)-Man-Clause Speaks Out on Christmas

I-Man Clause: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka the only undefeated Finebaum caller aka the only Santa Clause with black chest hair.

HO... HO... HOES! HEEEEEEEEEEEERE I AM! LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE NORTH POLL CONFEDERACY: I-MAN HOMIES!


YA KNOW, AS I SIT HERE AN LISTEN TO ALL THE BAMMURZ CALL IN AND TALK ABOUT SABAN THIS AND SABAN THAT, ALL I GOTS TO SAY IN RESPONSE TO THOSE CRIMSON NECKS IS WAR GENE DAMN CHIZIK! DO Y'ALL BAMMZERZ NOT REALIZE CHIZIK IS BUILDING A DYNASTY THAT SABAN ONLY DREAMS OF DOING ON HIS XBOX 360?

FOLKS AKA BAMMERSES, THAT RUMOR OF NICK SABAN LEAVING AFTER THIS COMING SEASON IS TRUE! WHY? BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE AIN'T GOING TO BE ABLE TO RUN AGAINST THE MACHINE DOWN IN OPELIKA THAT IS GENE CHIZIK. AND LIKE THE FEMALE THAT HE IS, HE'LL RUN OUT ON THE BAMMERS, LEAVING 'EM COACHLESS, AND THEN NOBODY IS GOING TO WANT TO COME COACH AT BAMMER BECAUSE WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD WANT TO COACH IN A STATE WHERE, NOT ONLY DO THEY HAVE TO COMPETE WITH OPELIKA, BUT GENE CHIZIK AS WELL?1?1?1?1 THAT'S ALMOST LIKE A CAT ENTERING A PIT BULL CAGE ATTEMPTING TO EAT THEIR FOOD.

CONTINUE TO FEAR BAMMERS, A NEW STREAK IS NEAR!