Aubarn ain't racist!?!?!?!?!

by dale: Aubarnie Moderator

So, after nearly a week of soaking up the Gene Cheez-it euphoria, I finally ran down to the local Opelika bar, where a massive amount of my fellow Barnies were gathered around the only working (black and white) television tube in Lee County. 

First thing I heard was bickering going on in regards to comments Sir Charles Barkley made about his alma matter (which I'm about to touch base on). Verbatim: "He's saying we're racist!" And, "Can't believe that dadgum blasted boy is calling us Barnie-necks a bunch of racists hillbillies. I don't mind the hillbilly part, but where does he come off by saying we're racist?" Also, "DAMN THAT BLASTED WOMAN!" Can't leave out, "Who around here rents out sheep for a night?" And, "it's a conspiracy started by Bammer."

Here are my thoughts: Aubarn ain't a racist school. We is just a down home, friendly farming community that respects all colors, races, religions, sexual orientations, and bestiality. The only thing we don't like are bammerz, and you don't find too many of their kind 'round here. When we do see a bammer, all we do is shout harsh obscenities toward them, provide them with a little profane gestures, and maybe throw an empty beer bottle or two at them. Nothing too overly hostile. One time, my cousin/brother Bill-Cream threw an unopened Natty Light bottle at a bammer passing through at last year's Iron Bowl, which was played here in Opelika. Needless to say we booted him out of town for that. THAT'S DAMN ALCOHOL ABUSE! 

In closing, we barnies have officially disowned Charles Barkley from our dysfunctional Aubarn family. 

Charles, YOU CAN KISS MY NON-RACIST BARNIE SUPPORTING BOOTY AND EVEN IF I WAS QUALIFIED TO VOTE (but I ain't due to the fact that there ain't no place to register around here) I WOULD VOTE FOR A BAMMER BEFORE I VOTED FOR YOU... Wait, what did I just say? Just kidding, I'd never vote for a Bammer. I'd vote for the anti-Christ before I voted for a Bammer, even if he was the inevitable solution to our society's ongoing problems.

WAR DANG EAGLE HEY!