You dumb-ass bammer, why on earth would you want your favorite player to marry your ex-girlfriend? I just don't understand how one could be so S-T-U-P-I-D to understand why you did this? Unfortunately, the bammer featured in the above picture ain't the bammer I was able to conduct an interview with.My fellow Barnies, I am about to make history by crossing certain boundaries that no other Aubarn (AL) fan has ever done before... If you're a true Aubarn (AL) Man™ then you can relate to what I'm about to ask the others. Have you ever wondered what it's like to be a bammer? Have you ever wondered what goes through the empty minds of those half-brained bammers? Have you ever wondered what makes their delusions so believable to them? Well... your ole' boy Dale here managed to snag your average, everyday bammer off the street and convince him into doing a one-on-one interview with the AUbarnie. Even though he wasn't as cooperative as I had intended, I still managed to use my super-human sociology skills that I adopted from my Aubarn (AL) professors (even though I've yet to show up one single day for class, but I still gots my degree!) to exploit this bammer, revealing the deepest, darkest secrets and/or basically answering the life-long Barnie question: What makes Alabammer fans tick?
Now read and see how this bammer gets OWNED!
Enjoy...
AUBARNIE: All Alabammer fans seem to talk about is Bear Bryant and the past. Why is that?
BAMMER: And all Aubarn (AL) fans seem to talk about is Alabama. Why is that?
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BAMMER: And all Aubarn (AL) fans seem to talk about is Alabama. Why is that?
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AUBARNIE: According to bammers, y'all have 12 National Championships, but according to my sources, they are all fake. Why is that?
BAMMER: Logic vs. logic, how are AP and UPI titles fake? That's like 30 years from now someone of a lesser program claiming BCS Championships are fake after a new determining factor debuts into the game of college football.
AUBARNIE: But not all of your titles were recognized by the AP or UPI poll. In fact, in the 20s and 30s, you claim 4 titles and all of the polls that recognized you as champions didn't debut until years later.
BAMMER: Perhaps you should ignore what your clueless source tells you and do the research yourself. History lessen 101: Prior to the AP/UPI era, the Rose Bowl was indeed the championship game for college football and whoever won the Rose Bowl was deemed "champions of the universe". In 1925 - keep in mind this was long before polls recognized teams as national champions - the University of Alabama had its first undefeated season and gave up only seven points. Alabama was the first "southern-American" team to be invited to play in what is now the most historic bowl in college football. Still, no Southern team—Alabama included—had earned enough respect to get an invitation to the Rose Bowl in Pasadena.
Schools back east, reeling from criticism that they were sacrificing academics at the expense of athletics, declined to play in the game. So bowl officials reluctantly booked a game everyone knew would be a blow-out to earn a team outside of the south another National Championship victory: a weak Alabama team against the mighty Washington Huskies. But instead, Alabama upset Washington, stunning the nation, and causing a mass celebration throughout the south as this game is forever known as "the game that changed the south". In nearly every town the team’s train passed through on the trip back to Tuscaloosa Southerners struck up brass bands and hailed the conquering heroes. And since you inbreds seem to be proud "confederates" maybe you guys should try and contact one of your ancestors through a seance and have them tell you all about it. And by the way, every title recognized up until the introduction of the AP/UPI era were all undefeated Rose Bowl victories which continued to help keep the south on the map.
AUBARNIE: Excuses, excuses, excuses... Well what about the bogus AP titles when y'all lost your bowl game?
BAMMER: The same AP title that recognizes us as champions prior to us losing our bowl game was the same poll that recognized you guys as champions in 1957 and guess what? You guys didn't even play in a bowl that season due to NCAA probation. Allow me to repeat myself: perhaps you should ignore what your clueless source tells you and do the research yourself. History lessen 101: Prior to the later part of the decade AFTER the AP poll debuted, bowl games were considered exhibition games and national champions were awarded at the season's end, which explains how and why we won the title before losing our bowl and how you idiots won the title without even playing in a bowl.
Somewhat think about it as the way conferences once (and a lot still do today) awarded their champions by doing it toward the end of the season (for those who do not have conference championship games).
AUBARNIE: Lies, lies, lies! Well what about the years y'all supposedly won the title when you clearly weren't the best team in the nation?
BAMMER: What about the years USC (1939, 1967, 1974, 1978, and 2003), Notre Dame (1943, 1946, 1966, and 1977), and several other teams (including the 2007 LSU team) won the national title when they clearly weren't the best team in the nation? And if Alabama just claimed outright bogus titles, then why don't we claim one for every undefeated season we've posted? Maybe because the AP/UPI poll did not RECOGNIZE US THOSE YEARS!
AUBARNIE: We ain't talking about other teams, we're talking about BAMMER DAMNIT - NOR OR WE TALKING ABOUT YOUR FAKE UNCLAIMED TITLES TOO! But moving on...
BAMMER: Another topic worth discussing, what about your bogus SEC titles? You know, prior to the SEC indicting a championship game, teams won the league title by who had the most SEC wins of those particular years. In 1988, you guys claim an SEC title, yet your sharing partner (LSU) had MORE SEC VICTORIES THAN YOU GUYS DID! And in 1989, your sharing partner ALABAMA had MORE SEC VICTORIES THAN YOU GUYS DID! And tell me what's up with you guys hanging up SEC Western Division banners when you guys LOST the tie-breaker game that year?
AUBARNIE: Lies... ALL LIES! CHANGE OF SUBJECT...
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AUBARNIE: Your university awards it's student athletes with free text-books, aren't you ashamed of that?
BAMMER: And your university awards it's student athletes with free class credits... without even having to turn in one paper or even show up for that matter. Aren't you ashamed of that.
AUBARNIE: AGAIN... MORE LIES! I'm NOT a student-athlete and I'M EARNING MYSELF A FREE DEGREE WITHOUT HAVING TO ATTEND CLASS!
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AUBARNIE: You guys cheat. You guys were just busted for cheating for the third time in 15 years. Don't you think that's pathetic.
BAMMER: And aren't you guys tied for second as being the most penalized team in the nation? Talk about scandalous and controversies, let's not forget "jet-gate", "sociology", and "refusing to hire a coach due to his race". Tell me why playing catch-up has to be so dirty for you guys?
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AUBARNIE: How does it feel having the best team money can buy?
BAMMER: Well... we recently lost a commitment to you guys--
AUBARNIE: HAHAHAHAHA! YOU LOST A COMMITMENT TO US! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAH! HAHAHA! HA HA ALABAMMER! HA HA HA!
BAMMER: ANYWAY... logic vs. logic once again, if we pay players to come play for us, then how much did you guys pay Sanders to cancel his commitment to Alabama in order to come play for you guys. Also, concerning all of the freshman players who left Alabama during the offseason, could you ask your "source" if he knows whether or not they turned back in their keys to their Aston Martins, Hummers, Carnival Cruise Boats, Mansions, and Disney World?
AUBARNIE: I'll find out and let you know soon concerning the question of course though I can tell you for certain The Cheez-it Effect had something to do with it... But I also would like to remind you that HAHAHHAHA YOU LOST A COMMITMENT TO US! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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AUBARNIE: How does it feel know you've lost the Iron Bowl National Championship to us six consecutive times from 2002-2007; four consecutive times from 1986-1989, and five consecutive times in the 1950s?
BAMMER: What the hell is an Iron Bowl National Championship?
AUBARNIE: THE IRON BOWL STUPID!
BAMMER (after a brief moment of silence with a blank stare): How does it feel to have an all-time Iron Bowl.... "national championship" losing record?
AUBARNIE: STOP LIVING IN THE PAST YOU DAMN BAMMER!
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AUBARNIE: What does an elephant have to do with Crimson Tide and/or Roll Tide and what exactly is a Crimson Tide?
BAMMER: A "Crimson Tide" is basically a far more original and unique name than a played-out... Tiger, of which every other other high school and college in America shares. What does it have to do with an elephant? Well what does a duck have to do with a Hurricane? What does a Hound Dog have to do with a Volunteer? What does a Ram have to do with a Tar Heel? What does a Bird have to do with a Cyclone? But most importantly... What does a War Eagle have to do with a Tiger?
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AUBARNIE: How does it feel knowing Nick $atan's gonna leave y'all for another job after the either the South Carolina game, Iron Bowl National Championship, or right before signing day?
BAMMER: And how does it feel to know Gus will be leaving you for a better job opportunity at the season's end?
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AUBARNIE: What's it like not having two Heisman winners like us, HAHAHAHAHA WE GOT TWO HEISMAN WINNERS AND Y'ALL DON'T... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BAMMER: What's it like honestly believing two Heisman winners equals two national championships?
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AUBARNIE: Well Bammer, this pretty much concludes are interview. Thanks for lending the AUbarnie your time. WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY AND HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU LOST A RECRUIT TO US! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh AND YOU DON'T HAVE TWO HEISMAN NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP WINNERS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA!
BAMMER: Logic vs. logic, how are AP and UPI titles fake? That's like 30 years from now someone of a lesser program claiming BCS Championships are fake after a new determining factor debuts into the game of college football.
AUBARNIE: But not all of your titles were recognized by the AP or UPI poll. In fact, in the 20s and 30s, you claim 4 titles and all of the polls that recognized you as champions didn't debut until years later.
BAMMER: Perhaps you should ignore what your clueless source tells you and do the research yourself. History lessen 101: Prior to the AP/UPI era, the Rose Bowl was indeed the championship game for college football and whoever won the Rose Bowl was deemed "champions of the universe". In 1925 - keep in mind this was long before polls recognized teams as national champions - the University of Alabama had its first undefeated season and gave up only seven points. Alabama was the first "southern-American" team to be invited to play in what is now the most historic bowl in college football. Still, no Southern team—Alabama included—had earned enough respect to get an invitation to the Rose Bowl in Pasadena.
Schools back east, reeling from criticism that they were sacrificing academics at the expense of athletics, declined to play in the game. So bowl officials reluctantly booked a game everyone knew would be a blow-out to earn a team outside of the south another National Championship victory: a weak Alabama team against the mighty Washington Huskies. But instead, Alabama upset Washington, stunning the nation, and causing a mass celebration throughout the south as this game is forever known as "the game that changed the south". In nearly every town the team’s train passed through on the trip back to Tuscaloosa Southerners struck up brass bands and hailed the conquering heroes. And since you inbreds seem to be proud "confederates" maybe you guys should try and contact one of your ancestors through a seance and have them tell you all about it. And by the way, every title recognized up until the introduction of the AP/UPI era were all undefeated Rose Bowl victories which continued to help keep the south on the map.
AUBARNIE: Excuses, excuses, excuses... Well what about the bogus AP titles when y'all lost your bowl game?
BAMMER: The same AP title that recognizes us as champions prior to us losing our bowl game was the same poll that recognized you guys as champions in 1957 and guess what? You guys didn't even play in a bowl that season due to NCAA probation. Allow me to repeat myself: perhaps you should ignore what your clueless source tells you and do the research yourself. History lessen 101: Prior to the later part of the decade AFTER the AP poll debuted, bowl games were considered exhibition games and national champions were awarded at the season's end, which explains how and why we won the title before losing our bowl and how you idiots won the title without even playing in a bowl.
Somewhat think about it as the way conferences once (and a lot still do today) awarded their champions by doing it toward the end of the season (for those who do not have conference championship games).
AUBARNIE: Lies, lies, lies! Well what about the years y'all supposedly won the title when you clearly weren't the best team in the nation?
BAMMER: What about the years USC (1939, 1967, 1974, 1978, and 2003), Notre Dame (1943, 1946, 1966, and 1977), and several other teams (including the 2007 LSU team) won the national title when they clearly weren't the best team in the nation? And if Alabama just claimed outright bogus titles, then why don't we claim one for every undefeated season we've posted? Maybe because the AP/UPI poll did not RECOGNIZE US THOSE YEARS!
AUBARNIE: We ain't talking about other teams, we're talking about BAMMER DAMNIT - NOR OR WE TALKING ABOUT YOUR FAKE UNCLAIMED TITLES TOO! But moving on...
BAMMER: Another topic worth discussing, what about your bogus SEC titles? You know, prior to the SEC indicting a championship game, teams won the league title by who had the most SEC wins of those particular years. In 1988, you guys claim an SEC title, yet your sharing partner (LSU) had MORE SEC VICTORIES THAN YOU GUYS DID! And in 1989, your sharing partner ALABAMA had MORE SEC VICTORIES THAN YOU GUYS DID! And tell me what's up with you guys hanging up SEC Western Division banners when you guys LOST the tie-breaker game that year?
AUBARNIE: Lies... ALL LIES! CHANGE OF SUBJECT...
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AUBARNIE: Your university awards it's student athletes with free text-books, aren't you ashamed of that?
BAMMER: And your university awards it's student athletes with free class credits... without even having to turn in one paper or even show up for that matter. Aren't you ashamed of that.
AUBARNIE: AGAIN... MORE LIES! I'm NOT a student-athlete and I'M EARNING MYSELF A FREE DEGREE WITHOUT HAVING TO ATTEND CLASS!
__________________________________________________________________
AUBARNIE: You guys cheat. You guys were just busted for cheating for the third time in 15 years. Don't you think that's pathetic.
BAMMER: And aren't you guys tied for second as being the most penalized team in the nation? Talk about scandalous and controversies, let's not forget "jet-gate", "sociology", and "refusing to hire a coach due to his race". Tell me why playing catch-up has to be so dirty for you guys?
__________________________________________________________________
AUBARNIE: How does it feel having the best team money can buy?
BAMMER: Well... we recently lost a commitment to you guys--
AUBARNIE: HAHAHAHAHA! YOU LOST A COMMITMENT TO US! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAH! HAHAHA! HA HA ALABAMMER! HA HA HA!
BAMMER: ANYWAY... logic vs. logic once again, if we pay players to come play for us, then how much did you guys pay Sanders to cancel his commitment to Alabama in order to come play for you guys. Also, concerning all of the freshman players who left Alabama during the offseason, could you ask your "source" if he knows whether or not they turned back in their keys to their Aston Martins, Hummers, Carnival Cruise Boats, Mansions, and Disney World?
AUBARNIE: I'll find out and let you know soon concerning the question of course though I can tell you for certain The Cheez-it Effect had something to do with it... But I also would like to remind you that HAHAHHAHA YOU LOST A COMMITMENT TO US! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
__________________________________________________________________
AUBARNIE: How does it feel know you've lost the Iron Bowl National Championship to us six consecutive times from 2002-2007; four consecutive times from 1986-1989, and five consecutive times in the 1950s?
BAMMER: What the hell is an Iron Bowl National Championship?
AUBARNIE: THE IRON BOWL STUPID!
BAMMER (after a brief moment of silence with a blank stare): How does it feel to have an all-time Iron Bowl.... "national championship" losing record?
AUBARNIE: STOP LIVING IN THE PAST YOU DAMN BAMMER!
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AUBARNIE: What does an elephant have to do with Crimson Tide and/or Roll Tide and what exactly is a Crimson Tide?
BAMMER: A "Crimson Tide" is basically a far more original and unique name than a played-out... Tiger, of which every other other high school and college in America shares. What does it have to do with an elephant? Well what does a duck have to do with a Hurricane? What does a Hound Dog have to do with a Volunteer? What does a Ram have to do with a Tar Heel? What does a Bird have to do with a Cyclone? But most importantly... What does a War Eagle have to do with a Tiger?
__________________________________________________________________
AUBARNIE: How does it feel knowing Nick $atan's gonna leave y'all for another job after the either the South Carolina game, Iron Bowl National Championship, or right before signing day?
BAMMER: And how does it feel to know Gus will be leaving you for a better job opportunity at the season's end?
__________________________________________________________________
AUBARNIE: What's it like not having two Heisman winners like us, HAHAHAHAHA WE GOT TWO HEISMAN WINNERS AND Y'ALL DON'T... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BAMMER: What's it like honestly believing two Heisman winners equals two national championships?
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AUBARNIE: Well Bammer, this pretty much concludes are interview. Thanks for lending the AUbarnie your time. WAR DAMN EAGLE HEY AND HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU LOST A RECRUIT TO US! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh AND YOU DON'T HAVE TWO HEISMAN NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP WINNERS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA!
Nice... that bammer got pWnEd!
ReplyDeleteGreat job, AU-Barnie. This is by far your best post ever. It's an instant classic!!
ReplyDeleteAUbarnie,
ReplyDeleteWhy didn't you just record the entire conversation with your 1940 16mm camera?
Don't they still use those to record commercials for Barn U?
You should apply for ESPN's current field reporter opening, "Dale". There's absolutely no possible way they'd deny the rare insight and logic that you possess. RTR!
ReplyDelete