If you reside in the wonderful county of Lee, then you more than likely don't own a satellite dish or cable box, which are two new phenomenal breakthroughs in modern day technology -- especially for the technologically impaired, like us Barnies.
Anyhow, ESPN is conducting a "Mt. Rushmore" of each state... and by the way, for the state of Alabammer, tAOPI had former Heisman National Championship Winner, Bo Jackson, as one of the inductees (HA! HA! ALABAMMER, WE HAD A FOOTBALL PLAYER MAKE THE STATE'S MT. RUSHMORE AND YOU DIDN'T! HA! HA! HA!).
So, after hearing about this recent ESPN feature, I decided to come up with my own Mt. Rushmore of Aubarn (AL). As you can see in the picture listed above, the inductees are Marlboro Man, I(ncomprehensible)-Man, Coach Cheez-it, and one cow which represents the billions of cows that can be found in Lee County and on the campus of The AlabammerOpelika Polytechnic Institute (cows are one of our 157 mascots and our most notable one(s) at that).
Now, the reason I don't have good ole Aubarn Men™ like Bo, Robert Baker, Eric Ramsey, Shrug, Tuberneck, and Dyed, is simply because I don't live in the past like Bammers do. I chose modern day candidates instead of ancient candidates that most Aubarn people don't remember anymore.
With that being said, I'd like to ask you (the readers) who your choices for Aubarn (AL)'s Mt. Rushmore may be (please keep it Aubarn related in another words Nick Satan IS NOT a candidate)...
I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka only undefeated Finebaum caller.
HEY... HEY... HEY... IT'S ME, I-MAN D, LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CIT-Y... OF THE CONFEDERACY!
I'LL GO AHEAD AND GET STARTED BY TALKING ABOUT ANDRE SMITH... WHAT A GIGANTIC SACK OF SHEER PUSSY-NESS! I AIN'T NEVER IN MY LIFE SEEN OR HEARD OF A TOP PROSPECT (WHO'S OVERRATED IN MY OPINION) WALK-OUT OF AN NFL COMBINE... HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE? HE'S DEFINITELY A TRUE BAMMER AT THAT.
MY OTHER SOURCE, AND FELLOW FINEBAUM CALLER (THOUGH THIS CAT AIN'T UNDEFEATED LIKE ME), BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD, ALABAMMER, CLAIMS ALABAMMER AND NICK SATAN HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH HIM LEAVING. ACCORDING TO BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD, ALABAMMER, THE NCAA HAS ALREADY REACHED THEIR VERDICT, AND ALABAMMER IS IN SOME SERIOUS TROUBLE FOR THIS. PERSONALLY, I'M GLAD BECAUSE ALABAMMER DESERVES IT AND COACH GENE CHEEZ-IT'S GONNA MAKE SURE THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO THE GREATEST TEAM IN THE WHOLE WIDE UNIVERSE: AUBARN! UNLIKE SATAN, HE AIN'T NO CHEATER AND HE WINS LIKE A MAN AND LOSES... WELL, HE AIN'T NEVER GONNA LOSE SO HE WINS LIKE A MAN AND HE WINS FAIR AND SQUARE, DAMMIT!
I-MAN... OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!
It is being reported that legendary Aufarm all-star, under the Tuberneck regime, both on and off the field, was arrested last Wednesday for the unlawful distribution of the poor man's drug: cocaine. I guess cops don't understand all he was setting out to attempt was a good deed in helping others...
Robert Baker, another Aufarm all-star here in Aubarn (AL), was arrested and sent to "the big house (not Michigan's football stadium)", under similar charges years ago.... Robert Baker is now a legend and inspiration to all the youth who are aspiring to be drug dealers here in Opelika.... Robert Baker annually hands out a prestigious award known as the "Robert Baker Lifetime Achievement Award" to those who consistently do good deeds here in the ugliest village on the plains. After receiving word of Gunn's monumental achievements, Robert Baker sent him the award, first class, to the prison cell right next to him, which is currently being reserved for Mr. Gunn.
Other RBLAA winners who displayed character and class and done nothing but good deeds, under coach Tuberneck are: two time award winner, Clifton Robertson (second-degree rape; assault); Deandre Green (possession and the discharging of illegal firearm on campus) and Brandon Reed (possession and the discharging of illegal firearm on campus; illegal possession and use of stolen debit card); Lorenzo Diamond's Wife (shot Lorenzo in the stomach); Derek Magwood (robbery); Demontray Carter and Reggie Worthy (harassment); Then there's Kevin Sears, King Dunlap, and Trey Blackmon -- all whom will remain legendary Aubarn Men™ in the eyes of the Aubarn family.
WAR DANG EAGLE HEY AND WAR DANG ROBERT BAKER LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD HEY!
I took this picture, via cellular device (cell-phones are a breakthrough concept in modern day technology) while leaving a gas station in Montgomery, Alabammer on my way to Mobile, AL last weekend.
I would have offered him a ride, but my pick-up truck was already loaded down in the cab, and in the bed, I had all my farming supply taking up every square inch, so there was no room for this fellow Barnie; however, due to his efforts in hoping that another kind-hearted and courteous Barnie, like myself, would pick him up, I am honoring him for his efforts by awarding him as this week's Barnie of the week!
It has been reported that the wildfire, eating away at The University of Alabammer's on campus stadium, Bryant-Denny Stadium, was finally put to rest yesterday (Thursday) afternoon, after months of wildly running ablaze.
Teachers at a grade school in Florence, Alabammer, forces innocent children to participate in the cult-religion: Sabanism.
First off, I'm just a small-town, country bumpkin, God-fearing man (with a forthcoming degree from The Polytechnic Institute). I believe religion is a good thing and I do believe grade schools should not dismiss of prayer and religion and school...
But this is taking it overboard. At least the schools who still participate in morning prayers, don't force it upon their students.
Folks, Sabanism is an evil religion, which is habitually practiced by Bammurz -- not Barnies, such as myself. It appears now, schools in the state of Alabammer are forcing their students to participate in this hideous religion.
I, along with my two prime sources (I-Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabammer) are going to work endlessly to protest this nonsense. In fact, we're in the process of typing up a petition, going against this nonsense, which we'll forward to Governor Bob Riley upon finalization... Wait a minute, Bob Riley graduated from Bammer, so he practices this religion as well... Well, we shall also work on booting him out of office in the upcoming days.
Hi! I'm Dale, 'fficial blog owner of the most awesome AUbarn blog in the universe!
Ever wonder what it's like to be an Aubarn Man™...
Ever wonder how it feels to be an Aubarn Man™...
Ever wonder what it takes to become an Aubarn Man™...
Today, I've come here to guide you through a simple five step process that will teach you and yours how easy it is to become a member of one of the elite male fraternities on the planet!
INSTRUCTIONS HAVE NEVER BEEN SO SIMPLE!...!...!...!... In fact, they're so simple a Sociology major could spit the steps out BACKWARDS!! Hell, this simple process is even EASIER than receiving a degree in Sociology here at The AlabammerOpelika Polytechnic Institute!
THE FIRST STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: DRESS CODE:
One of the first steps to becoming a vintage Aubarn Man™ is your appearance and attire.
Marlboro Man is an Aubarn Man™
Dressing to become an Aubarn Man™ has never been so easy! Really, there are several different appearance methods you can go by: overalls, cowboy boots, trucker and or cowboy hat, unwashed and untidy jeans (and or jorts) and wife-beater, long hair (preferably in the style of a mullet), and of course, make sure you always come equipped with something positively affiliated with The AlabammerOpelika Polytechnic Institute (i.e. hat, shirt, jeans, socks, jorts, shoes, etc). Not only is this a good way to represent the Aubarn family, it's also a perfect way to pick up a Barnie date, which we'll cover in step two! Always remember, hygiene is something we Barnies could do without.
Now that you have step one down pat, let's advance to step two!
THE SECOND STEP TO BECOMMING AN AUBARN MAN™: DATING
It's always best to have you a date around Opelika, especially when attending a rodeo or football game or the Rolling of Toomer's Ceremony.
In Opelika, there are no dating restrictions/rules/regulations. When it comes to dating, we're very flexible here in Lee County. You can date the farm animals... you can date men... you can date women... you can even date blow-up dolls!
In Opelika, the dime-piece among all dates are sheep (female only). If you got yourself a sheep, then you've got yourself gold! They're not to hard to find here in Lee County; however, most of the older sheep have been around the block a time or two, so seek the young only.
Not into human beings? The farmhouse animals of Opelika are acceptable too!
When it comes to dating women (if you're into them), we appreciative citizens of the magical paradise known as Lee County strongly suggest you seek only the women in your immediate family (that is if they're not taken by your father or brother... or sister or mother). Sibling dating is acceptable...
Quarterback Brandon Cox is a true Aubarn Man™(and potential Barnie of the week candidate)
If you land yourself a sister (or even a cousin as they're acceptable too), or even a sheep, then you have just completed the second-step!
THE THIRD STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: OBSESSING OVER HATING ALABAMMER
Here in Opelika, we don't obsess over Alabammer... We just hate 'em! It may appear that we do, considering every Aubarn store here in Opelika, which sells apparel, sells half Aubarn and half anti-Alabammer; and the fact that we roll Toomer's when Alabammer loses a game; and we consider the Iron Bowl our "National Championship"; and when talking football, bringing Alabammer up in every other sentence; etc. etc. etc. It's NOT obsession... It's just plain hate -- plain and simple!
It's not obsession...
It's just anti-Alabammer football (his man-boobs are nicer than mine)! The old saying goes as follows: "At Alabama, they evolve around the legacy and tradition that makes them who they are; At Auburn, they evolve around Alabama."
...is not what it is! As long as you learn to hate Alabama more than you love The AlabammerOpelika Polytechnic Institute, then you have completed step number three!
YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!!!!
THE FOURTH STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: VEHICLE
Buy yourself a jacked-up truck from Aubarn Off-Road, located in Opelika the beautiful!
Here in Opelika, if you don't own a jacked-up truck, you ain't cool!
Jacked-up trucks serves other purposes besides just looks and mud-riding!
Jacked-up trucks are a vital necessity in the becoming an Aubarn Man™ process. If you buy yourself a jacked-up truck, you're not one step away from earning your official Aubarn Man™ license!
THE FINAL STEP TO BECOMING AN AUBARN MAN™: RODEOS/TRAILER PARKS
And lastly, the final step to becoming an Aubarn Man™ is preparing yourself, mentally and physically, to attend more rodeos than you do football games. Nearly each weekend in Opelika, The Alabammer Polytechnic Institute hosts rodeos, for the county citizens and students, in which more attend than they do football games. The rodeos are located directly behind The Good Ole' Boys Restaurant.
The second phase of the final step is the home of which you reside in.
Perfect!
The AlabammerOpelika Polytechnic Institute housing department(s) will issue you a Renters Guide Book, which will provide you with all the single and double-wide mobile homes all throughout Lee County.
If you can learn to appreciate the value of living in mobile homes and attending rodeos, just as much as you appreciate obsessing over hating Alabammer football and the Wire Road trailer park block parties, then you are now officially a certified Aubarn Man™ like me!
To receive your Aubarn Man License, you can do so by filling out an application by click this link. Just in case you DON'T have your driver's license, you can also receive them if you fill out the form correctly. *NOTE: LEE COUNTY CITIZENS ONLY PLEASE*
To begin, I know some of you, including myself, treasure the Barnie of the week posts simply because they contain images and videos of some of the best Aubarn Men™ alive today; however, the previous award winners all pales in comparison to this week's Barnie of the week award winners...
The Bammer Desecratorz....
This group of fine Aubarn Men™ truly are my favorite Aubarn Men™ of all-time! I especially want to note my favorite part of the video is the "Watch This" moment. It is the greatest!! Folks, there are men and then there are Aubarn Men™. This group of fine gentlemen truly are Aubarn Men at their finest. SUCK IT BAMMERZ!!! HAHAHAHA!
Award winning novelist, Otis Franklin cleans out his office in Opelika.
It's official: Otis Franklin is now the offensive coordinator of Middle Tennersee (why do us Barnies have a hard time pronouncing state names and the word "tomater") aka one of the many teams we destroyed during the 2008 campaign.
Otis, known for his articulate writing skills and phenomenal offensive coaching ability, defeated Louisiana-Monroe (HA HA ALABAMMER WE BEAT THEM AND Y'ALL DIDN'T), Southern Miss, Tennersee, along with a breathtaking victory over western division powerhouse: Mississippi (said that one right) State!
Personally, I think Otis is one of the greatest offensive coordinators EVER, even better than fatty Al and Arthur Gustav Malzahn III. Too bad he's not with us anymore; however, it's comforting to know we have Eugene Cheez-it heading our program, so we'll be just fine!
Alabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institutes' Jordan-Hare Cow Pasture Stadium is still the number 1 stadium in the state of Alabammer
The age old saying goes: If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Obviously that is an adage The University of Alabammer is trying to abide by -- little do those brain-dead bammers know this is one war they'll NEVER win.
In 2005, the hype of the state of Alabammer's number 1 stadium got under their skin. After years of pent up frustration and humiliation, they finally said "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" That very year, they enhanced Bryant-Denny by adding 10,000 additional seats in the north endzone. After it was all said and done, they still failed epically as Jordan-Hare Cow Pasture Stadium reigned supreme as the number 1 stadium in the state of Alabammer (we also beat Alabammer to win the Iron Bowl National Championship here in 2007 too!).
Now, the frustration has skyrocketed to an all-time high, as it was evident when Alabammer trustees approved another expansion today.
Again, little do they know they could construct the golden gates of heaven, and still finish second behind The Alabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institutes' Jordan-Hare Cow Pasture Stadium.
I laugh at the Bammers' stupidity and their intense feeling of inferiority toward us. Good luck on your next expansion as Jordan-Hare Cow Pasture Stadium continues to show you up!
I-Man: beat writer for the AUbarnie aka only undefeated Finebaum caller.
BACK IN BLACK! I HIT THE SACK, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG I'M GLAD TO BE BACK... YOOOOOO HERE I AM, LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY: I-MAN AKA YOUR NUMBER 1 SOURCE, ALONG WITH BOBBY FROM HOMEWOOD, ALABAMMER ON ALL THE ALABAMMER ATHLETICS!
YOU KNOW, NICK SATAN IS A CHEATER PLAIN AND SIMPLE. YOU HEARD IT FROM ME FIRST, HIS DAYS ARE NUMBERED. NOT ONLY IS COACH CHEEZ-IT GONNA SPEW VOMIT ALL OVER HIM ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD, BUT HE'S ALSO GONNA SEND HIM PACKING ON THE RECRUITING TRAIL TOO. BY THE WAY, THAT IS BEFORE THE ALABAMMER PROGRAM IS SENTENCED TO THE DEATH PENALTY FOR CHEATING. PEOPLE WONDER HOW AND WHY NICK SATAN IS SUCH A "GOOD" RECRUITER... WELL, I'LL TELL YA RIGHT NOW IT'S BECAUSE HE CHEATS DAMMIT! HE BUYS HIS RECRUITS HAPPY MEALS FROM MCDONALD'S; HE SEDUCES THEIR MOTHERS; HELL HE EVEN TAKES THEM OUT FOR DRINKS ON OCCASION! BUT HE WON'T BE CHEATING FOR TOO MUCH LONGER BECAUSE THE NCAA IS EYEING HIM CLOSELY AND THEY'RE ALREADY TYPING UP THEIR PLOI, WHICH HE'LL BE RECEIVING HERE SHORTLY. MARK MY WORDS, IT'S COMING... I AM MY OWN SOURCE AND I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!
I-MAN IS OUT BIZITCHES! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!
Coach Cheez-it and Arby celebrates together, after receiving word The Polytechnic Institute finished first in recruiting in the magical county of Lee.
HA HA ALABAMMER, WE FINISHED FIRST IN THE LEE COUNTRY RECRUITING RANKINGS AND YOU DIDN'T!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sorry, I just couldn't resist! Anyway, I woke up to some very splendid news today: Coach Cheez-it soared in his very first recruiting class, by bringing us the top class in the county, beating out high school powerhouses such as Opelika High School, Rose of Sharon, and Smiths Station High School. Immediately following, fliers were being passed out and posted up everywhere for the "Number 1 Class Rolling" and "Number 1 Class Rodeo".
The Number 1 Recruiting Class Rolling of Toomer's Ceremony.
Coach Cheez-it even spoke on the amazing accomplishment of which he was the driving force behind it all: "I come to you today to say it is an honorary privilege to live in the great county of Lee, in one of the best double-wides Wire Road has to offer. I'm also proud to be the head coach of this shitty... I mean, freaking awesome University, and who brought in one of the most dynamic recruiting classes ever to hit Lee County. With this phenomenal first ranked class, I will win the Iron Bowl National Championship every single year for as long as I'm here, and you can take that to the bank!" {Remember, this is the same coach who has a very unique sense of humor too}
As soon as Coach Cheez-it said that, I about shat in my tightywhitties! Not only did he deliver us one of the best (and number 1) recruiting class in years, he also is overly confident that he will win every Iron Bowl National Championship from here on out, and the way I see it, he'll be here for many, many years to come!
Folks, I can assure you the future is bright and our program is currently held in the absolute best of hands. I'm looking forward to next year's number 1 recruiting class in the county of Lee.
Sources (Incomprehensible-Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabammer) have each confirmed this to be true.
Nick Saban is a cheater; always has been, always will be. His Alabammer team is currently ranked first in the recruiting rankings according to Rivals.com but more importantly than that, it seems Trent Richardson has signed with Alabammer, instead of Florida.
Now, before you jump to conclusions, my sources (I-Man and Bobby) ARE NOT inaccurate. However, it appears they are reporting that Trent Richardson signed a $2 million dollar deal with Alabammer, and Nick Saban took a paycut for it.
I don't understand collegeAlabammer coaches these days. Why can't they all be honest and clean like Coach Cheez-it?
It doesn't matter, because this November, Coach Cheez-it's going to take that number 1 recruiting class and shove it up Nick Saban's arse. You can bank on that...
Is that Opelika orange and blue, or Gator orange and blue?
They're calling him the next Deion Sanders. Who is he? He's Alabammer's number one recruiting prospect, Trent Richardson...
HOWEVER...
There is a catch...
Is this Deion Sanders remake man enough to play for a team, which shares the same state, as the almighty Cheez-it, or will he show he has more brains than balls by picking Florida? Sources (Incomprehensible-Man and Bobby from Homewood, Alabammer) say he's all Florida.
I wonder why Cheez-it didn't go after this guy? He seems like a prime target for Albarn football. I guess Coach Cheez-it is only following in the footsteps of Coach Tuberneck: only recruit class and character over talent.
Just the other day, I scooted My country-ass on down to the local bar here in Opelika to watch the All-Star game, in hopes of seeing some potential Alabammer Opelika Polytechnic Institute prospects at their finest, and low and behold, as soon as I walked through the door, I seen nothing but dropped jaws -- and no, it wasn't a result of Aubarn Mayer being sentenced to life in prison for animal sodomy -- it was Coach Tuberneck, commentating the event, and even saying, "I'd like to coach in the Pac-10." It made me wonder, "Whatever happened to your master chef career?"
Is it because he knows he can win in the Pac-10 not because he knows he can't win in the SEC without the benefit of taking advantage of his primary competition's weakened state?
If Tuberneck does decide to go to the Pac-10, Pete Carroll had better submit a letter of resignation, because within a year, it'll no longer be known as "The Pac-10 Conference" but instead "The Tommy Tuberneck Conference".
The only downside is, I hear the western part of the country isn't a prime location for duck hunting. I wonder if Tuberneck knows that? If so, they conference does have The Oregon DUCKS!! Maybe he should consider giving that a shot!
I wish Coach Tubs the absolute best of luck as he ventures out into an inevitably successful career of coaching in the Pac-10. I'll keep y'all posted on any breaking news regarding Tubs' future.
At least this Barnie ain't ashamed of his six-pack keg of which he flaunts so proudly in the above pick. The Alabammer guy has to wear red body paint, cause he's a sissy, like most Alabammer fans are today (*cough* Utah and Florida *cough*).
In other news, I think that's a tattoo of an eagle on his arm... could it be the War Eagle? Our version of Alabammer's red A guy is now officially a certified Aubarn Man™.
I-MAN IS BACK AND I'M LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY! I HOPE Y'ALL MISSED ME BECAUSE I SURE MISSED BEING HERE, EVEN THOUGH FISHING IN THE MUDDY LAKE BARFIELD WAS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE. I EVEN HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF FISHING WITH LEGENDARY AUBARN COACH, AND SKILLED CHEF, TOMMY TUBERVILLE. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW MUCH BAMMER SUCKS AND HOW GAY NICK SABAN IS. OTHER THAN THAT, WE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.
ANYWHO, LET'S TALK ABOUT ALABAMMER'S RECRUITING. LET'S TALK ABOUT NICK SATAN BEING A MASTER AT CHEATING.
FIRST OF ALL, ALABAMMER HAS ONE OF THE MOST OVERRATED RECRUITING CLASSES IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL. SECOND OF ALL, NICK SABAN IS CHEATING TO GET THOSE KIDS TO COME AND PLAY FOR ALABAMMER, ACCORDING TO A VERY RELIABLE SOURCE, AND FELLOW BARNIE AND FELLOW FINEBAUM CALLER (BUT HIS ASS AIN'T UNDEFEATED LIKE ME) BOBBY FROM HOMEWOODALABAMMER.
BOBBY IS AUBARN'S NUMBER 1 SOURCE, SO I BELIEVE HIM. BOBBY ALSO SAYS NICK SATAN IS PLANNING ON LEAVING ALABAMMER BEFORE THE SEASON STARTS, IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE NCAA SLAPS THE CUFFS ON ALABAMMER, AGAIN, FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS DECADE.
I KNOW I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE AUBARN BRING IN A BETTER, AND CLEANER, RECRUITING CLASS THAN BAMMER IS DOING RIGHT NOW! I ALSO CAN'T WAIT TO SEE US WIN THE IRON BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP NEXT YEAR TOO!
I-MAN.... OUT! CATCH ME LIVE FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE CONFEDERACY ON THE FINEBAUM RADIO NETWORK MONDAY-FRIDAY!
Prime Alabammer recruit Gerald West has decommited from Alabammer.
This guy was so ass-backwards dumb, he didn't know a little town called Opelika, home of The Polytechnic Institute, even existed! However, after doing a little research in his private time, he seen that we are the number 1 team in the state of Alabammer. He furthered his research by finding out who the head coach of The Polytechnic Institute was. That's when he said, "I'm getting the hell out of here!"
He was so scared of Coach Cheez-it, he didn't even want to play for him!
Chalk down another victim of The Cheez-it Effect... Before you know it, Alabammer will be begging us to send our recruits their way because if Coach Cheez-it keeps it up, T-Town will be more like a Ghost-Town!
I'm currently a student at Opelika Polytechnic Institute. I've been here six years and I almost have my freshman year behind me. I'm unsure of what I want to major in at the current moment. At first, I signed on to study the science of cows, then I changed my major to sociology, but even in a course in which you receive free grades in was too tough for me. But now I think I want to be an astronaut. Only time will tell...
Tell us who your Mt. Rushmore is!
Not into human beings? The farmhouse animals of 
